What do you do about resentments/anger?
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What do you do about resentments/anger?
Everytime I sober up I realize I have a lot if resentments and anger. I don't know how to confront this. I've heard people talk about "letting go" of them, but this doesn't seem possible. I find myself wanting to settle the score, making things right. How do you deal with this? How do you know whether to let something go or doing something about it? I realize my anger is eating me up. It is making it very hard for me to quit drinking. Thanks
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Hi Mirage, I had a lot of anger, rage and resentments... and still dealing with some of them. I quit because I realized I might be an alcoholic with a progressive disease. That I was ruining my mind, body and spirit. My desire to live and thrive won out over any negative feelings.
Priority #1 is sobriety
Then I can deal with all the rest...
One thing for sure, drinking won't help you deal with any anger issues.
Priority #1 is sobriety
Then I can deal with all the rest...
One thing for sure, drinking won't help you deal with any anger issues.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
Originally Posted by SoberJennie 
Hi Mirage, I had a lot of anger, rage and resentments... and still dealing with some of them. I quit because I realized I might be an alcoholic with a progressive disease. That I was ruining my mind, body and spirit. My desire to live and thrive won out over any negative feelings.
Priority #1 is sobriety
Then I can deal with all the rest...
One thing for sure, drinking won't help you deal with any anger issues.
Priority #1 is sobriety
Then I can deal with all the rest...
One thing for sure, drinking won't help you deal with any anger issues.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
DAB, I stay sober because I choose not to remain an actively drinking alcoholic. First and foremost. I don't want my alcoholism to progress any further. What I do with my emotions is going to help things, sure... but my priority to stay sober isn't contingent on my anger that day, or who I am resentful towards, etc. It's not a conditional recovery for me. That's my point.
And sure, you have a good suggestion there.
And sure, you have a good suggestion there.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
People who anger us generally don't care about our feelings or what we do with them. Unless what we do becomes their problem. That's just the way the world is. And the world is a pretty big thing to try to change.
Most people harboring resentments or anger feel an impulse to act on those feelings, in large part because the feelings are so distressing. This is almost always a bad choice, since we cannot undo most of what we do when we're angry.
Speaking about your anger with someone you trust is a good start. While we're drinking, we typically have little else to occupy our minds, being so consumed with fear and resentment as we tend to be. When sober, and if we work at it and are fortunate enough, our priorities tend to shift; we become more goal-oriented, honest and caring, with ourselves and others. The more genuine we are in our relationships, the less power anger and resentment carry.
Anger is a healthy emotion; acting on our anger often brings unwanted and unpleasant consequences. For many people, myself included, I needed a complete change in the way I think and in the way I manage my emotions in order to just be okay when I first got sober. Now, happier in my sobriety, I don't allow other people's drama and other unpleasant stuff throw me off my center.
If you're not comfortable with AA, reach out to a caring professional.
Most people harboring resentments or anger feel an impulse to act on those feelings, in large part because the feelings are so distressing. This is almost always a bad choice, since we cannot undo most of what we do when we're angry.
Speaking about your anger with someone you trust is a good start. While we're drinking, we typically have little else to occupy our minds, being so consumed with fear and resentment as we tend to be. When sober, and if we work at it and are fortunate enough, our priorities tend to shift; we become more goal-oriented, honest and caring, with ourselves and others. The more genuine we are in our relationships, the less power anger and resentment carry.
Anger is a healthy emotion; acting on our anger often brings unwanted and unpleasant consequences. For many people, myself included, I needed a complete change in the way I think and in the way I manage my emotions in order to just be okay when I first got sober. Now, happier in my sobriety, I don't allow other people's drama and other unpleasant stuff throw me off my center.
If you're not comfortable with AA, reach out to a caring professional.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I've seen this attributed to everyone from St Augustine to Carrie Fisher...but it rings true:
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
You mentioned settling the score...I had many resentments that could never be settled....they'd grown and grown over the years to impossible proportions.
They were one of the main reasons I could never settle, never relax, and why I turned to drink.
I had to accept two fundamental truths for me to move on:
I had to accept I couldn't change or control those who had POed me.
I had to accept that resentment wasn't strength - resentment is being trapped in a loop, forever picking at an old wound.
Real strength - and real growth comes from moving on - and forgiveness.
Forgiveness need not be about hugs - forgiveness is about letting go of those things holding you back....like releasing your hands from around the other persons neck.
We can forgive and not necessarily forget.
You don't have to be their best buddy or let them back into a position of trust in your life - but to grow and to get well, I think we do need to let go, and move on.
D
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
You mentioned settling the score...I had many resentments that could never be settled....they'd grown and grown over the years to impossible proportions.
They were one of the main reasons I could never settle, never relax, and why I turned to drink.
I had to accept two fundamental truths for me to move on:
I had to accept I couldn't change or control those who had POed me.
I had to accept that resentment wasn't strength - resentment is being trapped in a loop, forever picking at an old wound.
Real strength - and real growth comes from moving on - and forgiveness.
Forgiveness need not be about hugs - forgiveness is about letting go of those things holding you back....like releasing your hands from around the other persons neck.
We can forgive and not necessarily forget.
You don't have to be their best buddy or let them back into a position of trust in your life - but to grow and to get well, I think we do need to let go, and move on.
D
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
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Originally Posted by Mirage74
I find myself wanting to settle the score, making things right. How do you deal with this?
See what I mean?
Look, I get it, I'm sure all of us have been wronged by others in the past. But I prefer not to waste time worrying about what has happened in the past. I can't change what happened and by remaining resentful and angry, I would be letting those who hurt me in the past, control me in the present.
And I won't stand for that.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
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Originally Posted by Mirage74
Everytime I sober up I realize I have a lot if resentments and anger. I don't know how to confront this. I've heard people talk about "letting go" of them, but this doesn't seem possible. I find myself wanting to settle the score, making things right. How do you deal with this? How do you know whether to let something go or doing something about it? I realize my anger is eating me up. It is making it very hard for me to quit drinking. Thanks
Pray for the person you are angry with every night for as long as you have the resentment. It melts the anger away, Try it.
Practice forgiveness, realize that the anger you are holding is harming you more than the other person.
Forgiveness is to set the prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.
Your addiction is just looking for ways to get you to use again, don't believe it. Helping you find excuses to say heck with it.
Realize you can not change the past no matter how hard you try. You are starting a new life now right, different and more improved from the past. that means change in ideas, in responses.
Get busy doing something productive instead of just dwelling.
Do something nice for someone.
Rise above, be the better person.
Set boundaries and learn from the past.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Mirage74 thanks for the post...you didn't mention if you were in a recovery program so I don't know if you would do a 4th/5th step outlined in AA.
DAB was to the point and I concur
These two steps helped me tremendously...really saved my life...I was able to get almost everything thing down I was resentful about...and then sharing all of that crap the experience was one of the greatest of my life...
If ranked my 4th/5th would be 2nd to the births of my children...
Resentments are poison and I drank and drank and drank and stayed drunk with anger, fear, and revenge...
When I moved on to the 8th/9th I was a new person who could make amends to those I had been resentful to...I think the 8-9th ranks right up there too...
Even if you aren't working a specific program you surely need a plan to resolve the resentments...getting them down on paper, making goals, what action to relieve them
I didn't do these steps on my own...I sought out people who worked through the anger and fear and asked for help...I literally had to be guided through the wreckage
It didn't matter if I was wronged...resentments were killing me...best to you always and may peace be swift
DAB was to the point and I concur
These two steps helped me tremendously...really saved my life...I was able to get almost everything thing down I was resentful about...and then sharing all of that crap the experience was one of the greatest of my life...
If ranked my 4th/5th would be 2nd to the births of my children...
Resentments are poison and I drank and drank and drank and stayed drunk with anger, fear, and revenge...
When I moved on to the 8th/9th I was a new person who could make amends to those I had been resentful to...I think the 8-9th ranks right up there too...
Even if you aren't working a specific program you surely need a plan to resolve the resentments...getting them down on paper, making goals, what action to relieve them
I didn't do these steps on my own...I sought out people who worked through the anger and fear and asked for help...I literally had to be guided through the wreckage
It didn't matter if I was wronged...resentments were killing me...best to you always and may peace be swift
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Thanks for all the responses, you've given me a lot to think about! One problem I have is with people who wrong me, and seem to not care (toxic people, for me). Like if someone steps on your foot. You ask them to get off your foot. They do and apologize. Then they turn around and do it again. Repeat. Eventually you develop a pretty big resentment because you begin to realize this person just enjoys stepping on your foot (yes I know people like this). They may even deny they are stepping on your foot. Anyway, all that is figurative, I think you understand. It is just hard to let go of, harder for me to talk about (4th & 5th step). Anyway , thanks again
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tauranga New Zealand
Posts: 24
I'm still working through the resentment thing. In fact started doing step four in the weekend and my reaction was not pleasant at some of the thoughts and feelings I had to some people. My sponsor keeps reminding me of the first bit of the serenity prayer
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"
I'll never change those people so why sweat it. Let them be the way they are. I'm just choosing (hopefully) not to react to it.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"
I'll never change those people so why sweat it. Let them be the way they are. I'm just choosing (hopefully) not to react to it.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
I found a pearler in my Pocket Sponsor "Don't let ar*eholes take up space in your head" and "what people think of me is their business not mine" and "anger is not getting our way today, resentment is not getting our way yesterday and fear is not getting our way tomorrow". There are many many more. At the end of the day, anger and resentment only hurts the person who lets it control their lives. Every minute I spend angry or resentful is 60 seconds of feel good time I'm missing out on. We choose how we react or respond to people, places, situations and things and acceptance and forgiveness is the best way I've found to deal with my anger issues. I try to live and let live and let go of the things I can't control. Its hard but man, no sh*t, is it worth it. At the end of the day, if I resent someone its only hurting me, they may know it but unless my anger becomes open verbally or physically its not going to hurt them, but it will make me want to drink.
I've memorized the Serenity Prayer and say it quietly often. The meaning behind the words are powerful.
Recently I read a book I stumbled upon called "Dying to be Me". Its about a woman who had terminal lymphoma cancer and multi-organ shut down, had an NDE and on awakening had a rapid remission that baffled Doctors in the US and HK. I sort of view my hitting rock bottom and coming out as an NDE. Her book discusses why and how we let anger and fear harm us and limit our potential and how just being centered and yourself and accepting and loving who you are as someone unique and special is the key to leading a happy and fulfilling life. As Desiderata poem says; "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here".
Its a common theme I've read in the last 9 months in all the books on recovery I've opened.
Take care
I've memorized the Serenity Prayer and say it quietly often. The meaning behind the words are powerful.
Recently I read a book I stumbled upon called "Dying to be Me". Its about a woman who had terminal lymphoma cancer and multi-organ shut down, had an NDE and on awakening had a rapid remission that baffled Doctors in the US and HK. I sort of view my hitting rock bottom and coming out as an NDE. Her book discusses why and how we let anger and fear harm us and limit our potential and how just being centered and yourself and accepting and loving who you are as someone unique and special is the key to leading a happy and fulfilling life. As Desiderata poem says; "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here".
Its a common theme I've read in the last 9 months in all the books on recovery I've opened.
Take care
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
I understand and agree with the need for people in general, and alcoholics in particular, to learn how to let go of past resentments, but there's something I'm not getting. It may be elementary, but I've yet to see it addressed.
If you were unintentionally behaving in a way that was annoying or hurtful to others, wouldn't you want to know about it? To extend Mirage74's analogy, if you were standing on someone's foot, wouldn't you want them to say "Excuse me, you're standing on my foot," rather than just forgiving you for hurting them and letting go of the resentment?
If so, why isn't the reverse true? Don't other people who may be unintentionally annoying or hurting us deserve to know about it? In the old days, it was called "being assertive" -- letting the other person know your feelings.
Even the most well-intentioned of people may occasionally behave in ways that harm others, but how are they supposed to know without any system of checks and balances? How can someone "call you on your B.S." when, by definition, any B.S. exists only in the mind of the aggrieved person, who is directed to let go of their resentment over it?
Sorry if I'm committing any breach of forum etiquette by posting this here, but I don't seem to have the knack for this stuff. Thank you for your patience.
If you were unintentionally behaving in a way that was annoying or hurtful to others, wouldn't you want to know about it? To extend Mirage74's analogy, if you were standing on someone's foot, wouldn't you want them to say "Excuse me, you're standing on my foot," rather than just forgiving you for hurting them and letting go of the resentment?
If so, why isn't the reverse true? Don't other people who may be unintentionally annoying or hurting us deserve to know about it? In the old days, it was called "being assertive" -- letting the other person know your feelings.
Even the most well-intentioned of people may occasionally behave in ways that harm others, but how are they supposed to know without any system of checks and balances? How can someone "call you on your B.S." when, by definition, any B.S. exists only in the mind of the aggrieved person, who is directed to let go of their resentment over it?
Sorry if I'm committing any breach of forum etiquette by posting this here, but I don't seem to have the knack for this stuff. Thank you for your patience.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
You might try taking a good hard look at your resentments. Really take them apart and dissect them. Analyze the thought process from start to finish. What I find when I do that is that there is always a flawed thought in the process, usually an untrue assumption.
In order to resent you have to feel wronged. Quite often I discovered upon dissecting my resentments that I had done something to offend or hurt the other person. I often conveniently forgot that. Quite often with a resentment you have to develop a negative picture of a person. When I examine my resentment closer, that negative picture is often wrong - they really aren't negative as I would like to see them. They have often not done the bad things I think they have done, either.
They are of course people in the world who have truly harmed us. But, resentment is not a helpful response. It doesn't change their behavior, they are completely unaware of our hatred. Instead it eats away at us.
Similar to Dee's poison analogy, there is another one: hatred is like throwing a hot coal at someone. You burn yourself in the process.
I can certainly relate to resentment and the struggle to overcome it: I have a sibling who has stolen money from me, been consistently dishonest and if that isn't enough, is a liar who has spread false information about me. How do I avoid indulging in the hatred towards him that would make me feel good for a few minutes?
I remind myself he has done this to everyone: I am not his only victim. He will probably go to his grave not knowing what a life of honesty and integrity is. Lies and delusions are so deeply entwined in his way of thinking and living that, at his elderly age now, he will probably never experience the lightness and balance, and happiness that comes with living with honesty. Isn't all that punishment enough? I don't have to do anything to "get even". When I have thoughts of him, I tell myself: he lives in a dark and sad (and chronic alcoholic) world...I live in the joy of recovery. I have so much to be thankful for, I don't need to nurture negativity.
In order to resent you have to feel wronged. Quite often I discovered upon dissecting my resentments that I had done something to offend or hurt the other person. I often conveniently forgot that. Quite often with a resentment you have to develop a negative picture of a person. When I examine my resentment closer, that negative picture is often wrong - they really aren't negative as I would like to see them. They have often not done the bad things I think they have done, either.
They are of course people in the world who have truly harmed us. But, resentment is not a helpful response. It doesn't change their behavior, they are completely unaware of our hatred. Instead it eats away at us.
Similar to Dee's poison analogy, there is another one: hatred is like throwing a hot coal at someone. You burn yourself in the process.
I can certainly relate to resentment and the struggle to overcome it: I have a sibling who has stolen money from me, been consistently dishonest and if that isn't enough, is a liar who has spread false information about me. How do I avoid indulging in the hatred towards him that would make me feel good for a few minutes?
I remind myself he has done this to everyone: I am not his only victim. He will probably go to his grave not knowing what a life of honesty and integrity is. Lies and delusions are so deeply entwined in his way of thinking and living that, at his elderly age now, he will probably never experience the lightness and balance, and happiness that comes with living with honesty. Isn't all that punishment enough? I don't have to do anything to "get even". When I have thoughts of him, I tell myself: he lives in a dark and sad (and chronic alcoholic) world...I live in the joy of recovery. I have so much to be thankful for, I don't need to nurture negativity.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Andante
Even the most well-intentioned of people may occasionally behave in ways that harm others, but how are they supposed to know without any system of checks and balances? How can someone "call you on your B.S." when, by definition, any B.S. exists only in the mind of the aggrieved person, who is directed to let go of their resentment over it?
Twelve-step recovery allows us to finally and fully abandon our roles as victims.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
Originally Posted by Andante
I understand and agree with the need for people in general, and alcoholics in particular, to learn how to let go of past resentments, but there's something I'm not getting. It may be elementary, but I've yet to see it addressed.
If you were unintentionally behaving in a way that was annoying or hurtful to others, wouldn't you want to know about it? To extend Mirage74's analogy, if you were standing on someone's foot, wouldn't you want them to say "Excuse me, you're standing on my foot," rather than just forgiving you for hurting them and letting go of the resentment?
If so, why isn't the reverse true? Don't other people who may be unintentionally annoying or hurting us deserve to know about it? In the old days, it was called "being assertive" -- letting the other person know your feelings.
Even the most well-intentioned of people may occasionally behave in ways that harm others, but how are they supposed to know without any system of checks and balances? How can someone "call you on your B.S." when, by definition, any B.S. exists only in the mind of the aggrieved person, who is directed to let go of their resentment over it?
Sorry if I'm committing any breach of forum etiquette by posting this here, but I don't seem to have the knack for this stuff. Thank you for your patience.
If you were unintentionally behaving in a way that was annoying or hurtful to others, wouldn't you want to know about it? To extend Mirage74's analogy, if you were standing on someone's foot, wouldn't you want them to say "Excuse me, you're standing on my foot," rather than just forgiving you for hurting them and letting go of the resentment?
If so, why isn't the reverse true? Don't other people who may be unintentionally annoying or hurting us deserve to know about it? In the old days, it was called "being assertive" -- letting the other person know your feelings.
Even the most well-intentioned of people may occasionally behave in ways that harm others, but how are they supposed to know without any system of checks and balances? How can someone "call you on your B.S." when, by definition, any B.S. exists only in the mind of the aggrieved person, who is directed to let go of their resentment over it?
Sorry if I'm committing any breach of forum etiquette by posting this here, but I don't seem to have the knack for this stuff. Thank you for your patience.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I am having the exact same issues you are having. Letting go seems impossible but at this point I am so done with it. I want it gone as much, if not more so, then I wanted to stop drinking.
Past events have been flooding my head over the past month or so with no warning. They just pop in and start spinning. I have been on an emotional roller coaster and I want off.
I have been writing these down so I have them for the fourth step. I am going to complete the third step this weekend.
I was talking about this with a new friend and she had this to say..
Forgiveness and letting go doesn't mean you have to speak to the person/people again. You don't have to invite them to dinner or send them a Christmas card. All you're doing is allowing their harm to be between them and God and not allowing it to poison your heart.
I never looked at that way. It was also pointed out that although I may have had no part in the wrongs others have done to me, I let the resentments and anger I have harbored all these years to effect my relationships along the way.
I have trust issues. The one person I thought I should and could trust let me down over and over. The resentment I held from this leaked into other relationships. I did not trust any of them over and over again. This was one reason, as the BB points out, I was trying to run the show. If I ran the show then I did not have to trust anyone but me.
Alcohol had a big part in that. I was hiding not only from the pain and resentments but I was hiding from my part in it.
I have to take the responsibility of holding on to the resentments. The person I am mad at is surely not going to and I will die or kill myself drinking before that happens. So I have to own up to my part and then let go of it.
I know that all sounds easier said then done. I have not done it yet. But I working on it and I am willing, just as willing as I was to call AA and ask for help. I put faith in AA to help me stop drinking. Now I have to take another leap of faith and ask my HP for help.
Past events have been flooding my head over the past month or so with no warning. They just pop in and start spinning. I have been on an emotional roller coaster and I want off.
I have been writing these down so I have them for the fourth step. I am going to complete the third step this weekend.
I was talking about this with a new friend and she had this to say..
Forgiveness and letting go doesn't mean you have to speak to the person/people again. You don't have to invite them to dinner or send them a Christmas card. All you're doing is allowing their harm to be between them and God and not allowing it to poison your heart.
I never looked at that way. It was also pointed out that although I may have had no part in the wrongs others have done to me, I let the resentments and anger I have harbored all these years to effect my relationships along the way.
I have trust issues. The one person I thought I should and could trust let me down over and over. The resentment I held from this leaked into other relationships. I did not trust any of them over and over again. This was one reason, as the BB points out, I was trying to run the show. If I ran the show then I did not have to trust anyone but me.
Alcohol had a big part in that. I was hiding not only from the pain and resentments but I was hiding from my part in it.
I have to take the responsibility of holding on to the resentments. The person I am mad at is surely not going to and I will die or kill myself drinking before that happens. So I have to own up to my part and then let go of it.
I know that all sounds easier said then done. I have not done it yet. But I working on it and I am willing, just as willing as I was to call AA and ask for help. I put faith in AA to help me stop drinking. Now I have to take another leap of faith and ask my HP for help.
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