Crossfitdad

Despite attempts by different segments of society to label alcoholism as a disease, I still believes it carries a stigma. It will never be accepted as a disease in my opinion. This has no bearing on my belief of what it is...it is what it is, and if I cannot control my drinking it doesn't, at this point, matter what I call it.

I'm two days (face it two nights since i drink at night)into my recovery. I know it's not much. Other than a little anxiety, insomnia and indigestion, I think I'm holding on good. I tried to quit two weeks ago, but that little voice in my head talked me back to drinking and after 2 days of moderation I was back to a sixer.

The fact is is that while inside I may know myself to be an alcoholic...with the exception of you all, no one else knows or suspects anything. It's not because I ever hid my empties or drank in secret. I guess I was just a good drunk. My wife doesn't even know that I quit...probably because she thinks its just another break for me. It makes it more difficult because this is not a break for me..I am done. Of course this might not be my last sober period in my life (i recognize that its not easy to quit) but I am gonna give it my all and not listen to that crazy person in my head.

I'm scared to say anything to her for a few reasons:

1. She'll laugh at me and say that I am always a hypochondriac. Always thinking something serious is wrong.

2. I don't want to say I'm quitting and then fall off the wagon (I want some quality time under my belt)

3. I don't want her married to an alcoholic. I much rather her be married to crazy old ______ who figured out he'd had enough beers and just quit.

God bless you all. And sorry for this rant.

Dee74

I can't imagine not letting my partner in on what is the greatest fight of my life - but I get your reasons.

I'd lose this as a reason tho.

Lots of times, I didn't tell lots of people cos cunning lil ol me thought I could leave the door open a little....as bad as it got I wasn't really ready to give up on drinking.

Take away falling off the wagon as an option, CFD.
Declare that you're done - if only to yourself.

D

artsoul

No apologies needed around here..... I thought it was a good rant, actually.

I didn't say anything to anyone when I first got sober, either. Once I had a few weeks without drinking and felt more confident, it was a lot easier to talk about.

I know how tricky that "voice in your head" can be. Have you tried AVRT? It helped me a lot. Congrats on your days! It does take a lot of focus in the beginning, but it will get easier as you go.

zeroptzero

In the beginning it is hard not to get caught up in "am I really an alcoholic, me? What will I tell people, what will they think, will I ever be "normal?" type-thoughts. Getting caught up in this makes it all the more overwhelming. You don't have to choose a label for yourself, you don't have to figure out your whole life plan, just make a decision to not drink for today. I believe that with sobriety will come clarity, acceptance, and peace. Keep it up!

Nuudawn

I'm glad to read your post. I'm having a difficult day today..as I wind up night 5 (I too drink at night). I too am having difficulty with the whole label "alcoholic" and all that comes with that. I told people at work with whom I had to attend a social function with last night..that I'm not drinking due to antibiotics. I just didn't want to get into the whole deal yet. Not that I don't know I'm not an alcoholic since 25 plus years of problematic drinking leave little room for any other label. I'm just focusing on today because thoughts of the journey ahead overwhelm me. I don't know where this journey will lead...to AA again..or not...not sure. I'm open but I'm scared. I'm scared of failing again because I'm just so damn tired of not changing..of remaining a drunk who just never gets ahead.

ru12

You don't have to tell anyone until you are ready. But sometimes it is easier to share a burden. I'm sure your wife only wants the best for you. And you don't have to call yourself an alcoholic either, you can just be someone who doesn't drink.

instant

What you call what you have is your buisness. For me it is a non issue, and I still don't know if I am "an alvoholic" but it was clear that it was taking me to a place that i dont want to go, my off switch was broken and it was only going to get worse. I also know from previous experience that i cannot "reset" my capacity for those fierce cravings. As such much of the Big Book spoke to me even though I don't go to AA.

Learning how to be and live sober takes time. How to deal with it socially is also something to learn. Over time confidence builds, it gets easier. What used to be massive hurdles can now be managed easily. You will get there if you stay the course. I came to be able to believe in myself again- i have seen it happen to many others on SR.

Your wife may be so used to the situation she does not dare to dream either.

JenEss

All you have to say to yourself and to whomever else you feel you need to tell is that TODAY you're not drinking. If you continue not to drink today, one day at a time, it's a lot easier.

Michael66

Hi Crossfitdad

I wouldn't get too caught up with labels. Having read the "Big Book" I'm not sure I would be described as an alcoholic, but I did know that I was causing me problems in life (not major ones, but it was continually eroding the quality of my life and the lives of others around me). I tried moderating lots of times but it always crept back up, and I was miserable if I was without alcohol for a day. My daily consumption had been very slowly, but very steadily, increasing over previous years. I did go a year sober before, but never really embraced lifelong sobriety and saw it more as a "break" to reset my system. Of course it didn't reset my system - I was soon back to drinking just as much as before the break, and then it started creeping up from that point. But I've never had blackouts and never had any major consequences of drinking - no loss of driving licence, loss of work or breakdown of marriage (unlike my brother who managed all three in one year).

Alcoholic or not, I did work out I needed to embrace a sober life, and that meant saying goodbye to beer for life. I'm probably not an alcoholic by the Big Book standards, but I do know I am so very much better off and happier now that I've embraced a stable sobriety.

Like Instant above I have found the AA Big Book very useful, though I don;t go to AA (I do find the 12 step approach very useful).

God bless +

Michael

Justfor1

crossfit, I agree that alcoholism still carries a huge stigma. Society does not like drunks because of the behavior that typically goes along with active drinking. I have huge resentment against some of the very same people who were suppose to help me.

Crossfitdad

Thanks for all the understanding! Last night I woke up soaked in sweat. But you know what? It felt great! It was a sign to me that I'm breaking loose from my old life. I welcome these withdrawals and look forward to another fun night with my family sans alcohol.

Who cares what I call myself...I know the truth. Keep it up guys.

Threshold

Crossfit, I agree, who cares what you call yourself? It's about life, not labels.

I have found it useful in recovery/sobriety to allow other people their issues, foibles and coping mechanisms. My kids didn't want to "see" that mom was all sorts of crazy. So when I told them I was in NA, they asked me why...because they didn't want to see or acknowledge mom's huge feet of clay and drug and booze abuse.

My ex...didn't want to be married to an addict. The label was more than he could take. Other people thought I was making too much, being dramatic etc because they had not had much direct experience of me drunk, wasted etc. They all needed to be where they are concerning the issue, and I had to let them be. MY job was to move forward with recovery and sobriety, and not make an issue of what they understood of it.

Whether they or society see it as a disease, a failure, a phase, a sin...doesn't matter. What matters is what I do about it and how I go about creating a life I want to live, and addressing the less pleasant bits as well.

doggonecarl

Like you, I didn't know if I should tell my wife. She didn't think I had a drinking problem. How could she, I hid so much of my drinking from her.

But Dee makes a great point; are you protecting your wife from the knowledge that you are an alcoholic, or protecting your addiction? I know you don't want to be the "boy who cried wolf" the guy who says he is quitting, then drinks, says he's quits, then drinks. At some point, who is going to believe you mean it when you say it. But accountability can be important to our recovery.

I ended up telling my wife I quit drinking. I didn't tell her I was an alcoholic. Maybe I should have. I don't know. But if I failed in my sobriety, it would have become pretty apparent. As it turned out, I've been sober since Sept. 4, 2010.

ImperfectlyMe

Letting your wife in on it will give you accountability. It is easy to talk ourselves into drinking if no one knows we are struggling. After all if you fail and no one knows you were trying is it a failure?

ElegantlyWasted

"it doesn't, at this point, matter what I call it..." Here Here....

1) Why would she think you're a hypochondriac?

2) I so get it... Let's get some quality sobertime under your belt.

3) The important thing Is what goes on in your head. Some people we love and care about will NEVER understand it in the way we need to understand to not imbibe.

Congrats on Day 2. Your going to evolve during you sober time in a good way. The only thing I would add and emphasize is that life is much easier with some support from like minded people, whether that's AA, SR, SMART.

Sudz No More

I agree with what others are saying that you should tell her at some point. I also agree however that you might want to wait if she eggs on your behavior by saying things like "Don't worry, you don't have a problem" "Just have one with our dinner, you'll be alright"

Non-Alcoholics don't realize the extent of inner turmoil we have and how difficult the cravings get. At some point though you really should tell her of your struggles to keep it honest within the relationship.

polaris

Its surprising to find that people are often far more sympathetic to you (and alcoholism) than YOU are to either yourself.

bigsombrero

I am impressed you can recognize your own problem - you should be commended for your self-reflection skills. Many of us realize it but push it down with denial, and some have no clue until they end up in the back of an ambulance.

I agree with others who have said that it's best to get this open to your mate. It gives you support and it will also give you the ability to take this thing head on without a mask. That's what needed to be done. In my experience, I told a few close friends and family members - if only to have someone that would hold me accountable. Quitting alcohol on my own, in secret, would have been really tough. Whatever you decide, the SR community is here for ya, I hope you have a great weekend and continue to keep up the fight.

Crossfitdad

The wife kind of confronted me today. She said "it's not like you to not have beer on a Friday night." She asked if I was feeling alright. I just told her I wasn't in the mood to drink tonight. A little later she was done cleaning the house and she say 'I could really use a beer..." FWIW, I've only seen her drunk once in my life... And that was her only time...I've never met a person who in college could smoke for a moth and then just put them down for another month without a second thought...she really is an amazing person. Any way, we didn't have any beer, but I offered to go buy her some (she drinks nasty assed michelob ultra...I drank hopped to the max ipas so I knew there was no risk in me drinking, plus my mind is made up). She says 'nah...I only like to drink with you...if you're not drinking I'm fine).

I guess, I'm conclusion I still haven't told her. I guess she'll get the point sooner or later.

EndGameNYC

Though I don't know you, I'm mildly surprised you didn't seize this opportunity to spill the beans. And, again, though I don't know you, I now know something about you that your wife doesn't know.

If it were me, I'd be much more comfortable letting my wife in on this particular secret. If nothing else, it would lift some of the pressure that comes with abstaining and all that means.