So much for friendship..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 115
So much for friendship..
Today I went out with an old drinking buddy (I called her), while we were drinking coffee I could tell she had something on her mind, she seemed quite agitated. Concerned, I asked her what the matter was, her answer was not what I expected, in fact it blew me away.
She said "I don't quite know to say this, but I don't think we should hang out anymore because since you stopped drinking we don't have anything in common anymore"
I thought this person was a friend, turns out I was just someone to get drunk with.
She said "I don't quite know to say this, but I don't think we should hang out anymore because since you stopped drinking we don't have anything in common anymore"
I thought this person was a friend, turns out I was just someone to get drunk with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 115
Maybe it's for the best. At least I won't be tempted to take a drink if we don't hang out together, because she is as heavy a drinker as I used to be.
Maybe she did me a favour.
Maybe she did me a favour.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hi Talana
It may be that when/if she has had enough of her own drinking then she'll turn back to you. It sounds like drinking may be very important to her at the moment. Underneath that though is a fellow human being - and we all have so many things in common with each other once we get past our compulsions. To say, or think, that we have little in common with another is perhaps a temporary blinding to our shared humanity, trials, struggles, happinesses, successes, failures, sadnesses, loves, grief, joy, fears, etc. I think alcohol blinded me to that for some time as well, so I have some sympathy with your friend who is still caught up in that view of the world.
Still, I can well imagine your shock. I wouldn't know what to say in response if I were suddenly put on the spot like that. I suppose you just have to let her walk her path even if that, at least for a while, means her path is leading her away from you and your friendship. I suspect, though, that she would have gone away from your coffee together with a sadness and regret that she couldn't quite pin down and understand (yet).
It may be that when/if she has had enough of her own drinking then she'll turn back to you. It sounds like drinking may be very important to her at the moment. Underneath that though is a fellow human being - and we all have so many things in common with each other once we get past our compulsions. To say, or think, that we have little in common with another is perhaps a temporary blinding to our shared humanity, trials, struggles, happinesses, successes, failures, sadnesses, loves, grief, joy, fears, etc. I think alcohol blinded me to that for some time as well, so I have some sympathy with your friend who is still caught up in that view of the world.
Still, I can well imagine your shock. I wouldn't know what to say in response if I were suddenly put on the spot like that. I suppose you just have to let her walk her path even if that, at least for a while, means her path is leading her away from you and your friendship. I suspect, though, that she would have gone away from your coffee together with a sadness and regret that she couldn't quite pin down and understand (yet).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Oh my, well at least you got an answer.
I was afraid to tell a friend that I had quit drinking and going to AA because I was afraid he would back away from me. I thought he was going to think I was going to judge him or convert him.
We are still friends though. We talk several times a week. I do feel like we are slipping apart though. We both had such negative attitudes. Basically we bitched to each other a lot. Now that I am sober, I am grateful and see the positive in life. I have a happier attitude while he continues to bitch. I make positive comments or try and sneak in a happier spin on his situation and I think that is doing more harm then good. He just wants to vent and bitch, not solve the problem. He is a grumpy person.
I get reminded of an old saying. Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.
I think drinking buddies are friends for a reason. They are there to drink with and in most cases nothing more. That friendship can change if you happen to go down the same path or if you take different paths but later in you end up in the same place. Then they may become friends for a lifetime.
I guess we never know where life is going to take us and who is going to travel with us.
I was afraid to tell a friend that I had quit drinking and going to AA because I was afraid he would back away from me. I thought he was going to think I was going to judge him or convert him.
We are still friends though. We talk several times a week. I do feel like we are slipping apart though. We both had such negative attitudes. Basically we bitched to each other a lot. Now that I am sober, I am grateful and see the positive in life. I have a happier attitude while he continues to bitch. I make positive comments or try and sneak in a happier spin on his situation and I think that is doing more harm then good. He just wants to vent and bitch, not solve the problem. He is a grumpy person.
I get reminded of an old saying. Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.
I think drinking buddies are friends for a reason. They are there to drink with and in most cases nothing more. That friendship can change if you happen to go down the same path or if you take different paths but later in you end up in the same place. Then they may become friends for a lifetime.
I guess we never know where life is going to take us and who is going to travel with us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 115
I didn't know what to say when she told me.
I just got up and walked out, I left her sitting there. I feel a bit guilty about that, I wanted to phone her and tell her that I was shocked and that's why I left without saying anything but my husband said just to leave it be.
What do you think?
I just got up and walked out, I left her sitting there. I feel a bit guilty about that, I wanted to phone her and tell her that I was shocked and that's why I left without saying anything but my husband said just to leave it be.
What do you think?
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Originally Posted by Talana 
I didn't know what to say when she told me.
I just got up and walked out, I left her sitting there. I feel a bit guilty about that, I wanted to phone her and tell her that I was shocked and that's why I left without saying anything but my husband said just to leave it be.
What do you think?
I just got up and walked out, I left her sitting there. I feel a bit guilty about that, I wanted to phone her and tell her that I was shocked and that's why I left without saying anything but my husband said just to leave it be.
What do you think?
Maybe a phone call explaining your shock might leave the door open to a renewed friendship later. I like how AA teaches how those that cause us offence may often be doing it from their own spiritual malady. Or perhaps, more simply, none of us are perfect, and we perhaps all need to give each other some room to be imperfect. If we have a choice of forgiving or resentment then forgiving will build a better world and build a happier life for ourselves. God knows many of us have relied on the forgiveness of others. Perhaps just explain your shock and say you're always there if she does ever want to renew things in the future.
But I don't pretend that I'm sure I know the best thing to do. I may be a bit too idealistic at times.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Talana
What do you think?
I would have loved to seen the look on her face when you got up and left.
As for contacting her...don't. Your friendship, if there ever was one, is over. Cultivate new friends, sober friends, with interests more substantial than getting drunk.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
There are friends and there are "drinking buddies". It's an impossible distinction to make when we're drinking, but isn't it awesome how easily we can spot the knuckleheads once we're sober?
Meh, people in general are overrated. Drinking Buddies? Toxic, selfish, and by and large shallow.
Meh, people in general are overrated. Drinking Buddies? Toxic, selfish, and by and large shallow.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Interesting post, because judging by posts on SR it is usually the person in recovery realizing they don't have much in common with past drinking buddies and moving on.
It's hard to accept that some friendships were primarily based on shared activities or at least that the previous activity took up so much time and energy, that without that time together there isn't any time or energy left for a stand alone friendship. But many of us do drink because we are lonely or bored otherwise.
We can choose to be angry at this friend for her honesty, or choose to wish the best to her and move on.
Unless she was actually rude, insulting and hateful, I would go with your gut to give her a call, tell her how shocked you were by her statement and why you walked out. I'd even give her a call from time to time to see how she's doing or drop her a text telling her you were thinking of her...if there is a genuine care and feeling for her in your heart.
I too have lost relationships due to recovery issues. Sometimes they felt they needed to walk away, other time I chose to walk away.
It's hard to accept that some friendships were primarily based on shared activities or at least that the previous activity took up so much time and energy, that without that time together there isn't any time or energy left for a stand alone friendship. But many of us do drink because we are lonely or bored otherwise.
We can choose to be angry at this friend for her honesty, or choose to wish the best to her and move on.
Unless she was actually rude, insulting and hateful, I would go with your gut to give her a call, tell her how shocked you were by her statement and why you walked out. I'd even give her a call from time to time to see how she's doing or drop her a text telling her you were thinking of her...if there is a genuine care and feeling for her in your heart.
I too have lost relationships due to recovery issues. Sometimes they felt they needed to walk away, other time I chose to walk away.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Wow. Yes, I agree she probably did YOU the favor. It would have shocked me too!
I can't relate to this incident, however I can relate in general. What I've noticed among my new recovery "friends" is that somehow, none of these relationship are lasting like I'd assumed at the beginning of IOP. I call them, text them... occasionally they'll answer... but it seems no one is taking initiative for contact except me. It's hard to understand. Getting out of isolation and around others is what has helped me the most. I figured it would be the same for them... it seems they are falling by the wayside rather quickly
I am a very loyal friend. When I make friends, I tend to stick by that person come hell or high water... maybe to a fault. So, I can imagine your shock when your "friend" said this to you.
You will make new and better friends. Hang in there!
I can't relate to this incident, however I can relate in general. What I've noticed among my new recovery "friends" is that somehow, none of these relationship are lasting like I'd assumed at the beginning of IOP. I call them, text them... occasionally they'll answer... but it seems no one is taking initiative for contact except me. It's hard to understand. Getting out of isolation and around others is what has helped me the most. I figured it would be the same for them... it seems they are falling by the wayside rather quickly
I am a very loyal friend. When I make friends, I tend to stick by that person come hell or high water... maybe to a fault. So, I can imagine your shock when your "friend" said this to you.
You will make new and better friends. Hang in there!
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Originally Posted by Peter G
There are friends and there are "drinking buddies". It's an impossible distinction to make when we're drinking, but isn't it awesome how easily we can spot the knuckleheads once we're sober?
Meh, people in general are overrated. Drinking Buddies? Toxic, selfish, and by and large shallow.
Meh, people in general are overrated. Drinking Buddies? Toxic, selfish, and by and large shallow.
Perhaps it's not people who are shallow, but it is that our relationships which can be made shallow by alcohol. Underneath that are people who may well be hurting, but they are covering those deeper feelings in public with alcohol. People who have deep satisfaction and peace don't drink to excess. The shallowness then, perhaps, is their "protective" veneer of alcohol, but underneath I am sure there is real depth and value to that person. Haven't we all here been that shallow person in public, afraid to reveal our deeper selves with anxieties, doubts, fears, hopes, failures, etc?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
That must have knocked you off your chair. In my mind, it just speaks to her discomfort in socializing without alcohol or perhaps looking the summons of sobriety in the face. I can't imagine...even as a drunk...or drunk or whatever...ever saying that to someone I thought of as a friend. I think you are right in saying...she did you a favour.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Spain
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by Talana
Today I went out with an old drinking buddy (I called her), while we were drinking coffee I could tell she had something on her mind, she seemed quite agitated. Concerned, I asked her what the matter was, her answer was not what I expected, in fact it blew me away.
She said "I don't quite know to say this, but I don't think we should hang out anymore because since you stopped drinking we don't have anything in common anymore"
I thought this person was a friend, turns out I was just someone to get drunk with.
She said "I don't quite know to say this, but I don't think we should hang out anymore because since you stopped drinking we don't have anything in common anymore"
I thought this person was a friend, turns out I was just someone to get drunk with.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 729
This has been a big issue for me with giving up drinking. All my friends and family are big drinkers and every accassion is built around drinking. I was the first one at the bar and very pro-active in participating and arganising these events. When you change from the one that was involved to the one that isnt anymore it makes everyone look at you quite differently.
I dont know what will happen with my friends moving forward and i hope my family will remain accepting of the new me but i fugure i will jump each hurdle as i go. I hope i will gain enough love and support from the ones that are accepting to make up for the ones that dont want to be involved with the new sober version on myself.
In a nutshell your friend (ex-friend) is pretty shallow. Its her loss not yours
I dont know what will happen with my friends moving forward and i hope my family will remain accepting of the new me but i fugure i will jump each hurdle as i go. I hope i will gain enough love and support from the ones that are accepting to make up for the ones that dont want to be involved with the new sober version on myself.
In a nutshell your friend (ex-friend) is pretty shallow. Its her loss not yours
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