The drinking buddies
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
The drinking buddies
I've had a difficult time with this for a while now, so many conflicting emotions involving my "friends."
I grew up with these people, they were there BEFORE the drinking and drugging, I think it would be a lot easier if I had met them in college and we partied and then parted ways, but that's not how it is. I've known some of these people since I was a kid, and now they've moved down the path of drinking and drugging. Over the years hanging out began to center around smoking pot and drinking, and when I wanted to quit I'd stay away. I went to hang out so I could buy drugs and use them, I met new people and threw up the illusion of friendship just for the sake of getting what I wanted, when it was time to quit I cut them off.
I feel guilty for doing that, I feel guilty for using these people that I've known for most of my life. I feel guilty for cutting them off and isolating, but at the same time I feel awkward around them, I feel like they don't really understand me. It wasn't about drugs in the beginning, but now it feels like without booze or drugs there just isn't a lot in common.
It's hard for me to accept the possibility that these friendships are not healthy. I feel like in a lot of ways they didn't really respect me, especially when the liquor flowed some things were said that I have never forgotten, even years later. I feel guilty for isolating myself from them, I feel like the bad guy, like I've done something wrong. I feel like there was always this subtle condescending overtone, but instead of standing up for myself, I blame myself, it's not them, it's ME. I'm weak, I overreact to everything, they said things when drunk so it doesn't matter, I can't even take a joke... So you see, there's this baggage attached to hanging out with them, I feel a certain way, I'm not sure I can ever get over that, and maybe I shouldn't try to.
Has anyone else had friends that became drinking buddies later in life? I'm not looking for validation to hang out with them, just wondering if anyone else felt guilt over cutting people off and dealing with it.
I grew up with these people, they were there BEFORE the drinking and drugging, I think it would be a lot easier if I had met them in college and we partied and then parted ways, but that's not how it is. I've known some of these people since I was a kid, and now they've moved down the path of drinking and drugging. Over the years hanging out began to center around smoking pot and drinking, and when I wanted to quit I'd stay away. I went to hang out so I could buy drugs and use them, I met new people and threw up the illusion of friendship just for the sake of getting what I wanted, when it was time to quit I cut them off.
I feel guilty for doing that, I feel guilty for using these people that I've known for most of my life. I feel guilty for cutting them off and isolating, but at the same time I feel awkward around them, I feel like they don't really understand me. It wasn't about drugs in the beginning, but now it feels like without booze or drugs there just isn't a lot in common.
It's hard for me to accept the possibility that these friendships are not healthy. I feel like in a lot of ways they didn't really respect me, especially when the liquor flowed some things were said that I have never forgotten, even years later. I feel guilty for isolating myself from them, I feel like the bad guy, like I've done something wrong. I feel like there was always this subtle condescending overtone, but instead of standing up for myself, I blame myself, it's not them, it's ME. I'm weak, I overreact to everything, they said things when drunk so it doesn't matter, I can't even take a joke... So you see, there's this baggage attached to hanging out with them, I feel a certain way, I'm not sure I can ever get over that, and maybe I shouldn't try to.
Has anyone else had friends that became drinking buddies later in life? I'm not looking for validation to hang out with them, just wondering if anyone else felt guilt over cutting people off and dealing with it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
Isolating is something that happens to addicts. As an alcoholic I did it and went as far as canceling all my social network accounts. I came to the conclusion long ago that I don't fit in, that's one of the reasons for drinking.
Don't know if you are into AA on NA but the Big Book goes into this mindset a bit. I'm guilty of being that sort of a friend, using people to compliment a habit and validate myself for my own selfish purposes. I'm not sure what a true friend actually is. Where I've let people down I try to make amends and treat others with the dignity and respect they deserve. Still learning to socialize normally without alcohol and be less wary of others and what they may be thinking. You need to work out what you want to do and whether your mates are in that picture or whether its time to move on. Don't be held back by the past and your mistakes but at the same time don't shut the door on the past and where you came from.
Don't know if you are into AA on NA but the Big Book goes into this mindset a bit. I'm guilty of being that sort of a friend, using people to compliment a habit and validate myself for my own selfish purposes. I'm not sure what a true friend actually is. Where I've let people down I try to make amends and treat others with the dignity and respect they deserve. Still learning to socialize normally without alcohol and be less wary of others and what they may be thinking. You need to work out what you want to do and whether your mates are in that picture or whether its time to move on. Don't be held back by the past and your mistakes but at the same time don't shut the door on the past and where you came from.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Growing up with these people, knowing them from childhood, doesn't necessarily make them friends. Maybe you need to redefine friends and friendship. Friendships are wholesome, fulfilling bonds we have with other people. Friendships are healthy.
If your's aren't, find a new word to describe them. Or new friends.
If your's aren't, find a new word to describe them. Or new friends.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 79
Yeah, I can relate. I hung out with my best friend (he was the best man in my wedding) last weekend for the first time since I got sober six months ago. I was kind of afraid to hang out with him and the rest of my friends because they are such heavy drinkers.
My friends that I've kept in touch with over the years are people I've known since I was very young, before alcohol and drugs started to poison my social life. I didn't really want to talk to any of my friends about quitting drinking, because you can't expect support from drinkers when you get sober. You can really only expect support from other sober people.
But actually having the memorial day BBQ with my ex-drinking buddies turned out to be alotta fun for me. Nobody gave me crap about quitting, at all. I think there was about two sentences about it all day. I watched everyone else get drunk and act stupid, and I went home at a decent hour feeling good, no hangover, no withdrawal.
We're all in our 30s now and I think that's when people get to the age where things change and some people reorder their priorities. It's a good time to quit drinking really. Everyone is taking their jobs and relationships more seriously, kinda realizing that life is short and you can't waste it doing nothing. So I think my friends probably want to stop drinking like party animals and doing do it more with control, if not stop altogether. So they haven't been dissappointed or condescending when I told them I quit, it's pretty much a non issue.
My friends that I've kept in touch with over the years are people I've known since I was very young, before alcohol and drugs started to poison my social life. I didn't really want to talk to any of my friends about quitting drinking, because you can't expect support from drinkers when you get sober. You can really only expect support from other sober people.
But actually having the memorial day BBQ with my ex-drinking buddies turned out to be alotta fun for me. Nobody gave me crap about quitting, at all. I think there was about two sentences about it all day. I watched everyone else get drunk and act stupid, and I went home at a decent hour feeling good, no hangover, no withdrawal.
We're all in our 30s now and I think that's when people get to the age where things change and some people reorder their priorities. It's a good time to quit drinking really. Everyone is taking their jobs and relationships more seriously, kinda realizing that life is short and you can't waste it doing nothing. So I think my friends probably want to stop drinking like party animals and doing do it more with control, if not stop altogether. So they haven't been dissappointed or condescending when I told them I quit, it's pretty much a non issue.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Yeah... For me on day 45 here; best I can figure out is some of my party people friends are real others are mostly enablers or looking to be enabled themselves. As Carl mentioned maybe make a list to distinguish the two. Some people do do the weekend warrior thing without consequence and I hate them...JK (kind of LOL)
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