I am a drunk. And I am pregnant.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 332
Hi Clear,
I find that I've had to make some changes to my activities since getting sober, and I guess for you it's even more so since you're pregnant too. I know you've been worrying a lot and being pregnant can be such an emotional time, but I hope you feel better about everything as you get more sober time under your belt and you learn to navigate the challenges that come with getting sober, including those tricky invites.
It's a process for all of us, if that helps at all.
Wishing you and baby the best,
June
I find that I've had to make some changes to my activities since getting sober, and I guess for you it's even more so since you're pregnant too. I know you've been worrying a lot and being pregnant can be such an emotional time, but I hope you feel better about everything as you get more sober time under your belt and you learn to navigate the challenges that come with getting sober, including those tricky invites.
It's a process for all of us, if that helps at all.
Wishing you and baby the best,
June
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
hi CBS
Just don't go. You can't control your friend having a dinner party. Just say you don't want to go and don't go,.You don't need to come up with any elaborate lies or long drawn out explanations of drinking problems.
Most dinner parties have wine there anyway. It's totally understandable that you won't feel comfortable there and it is totally acceptable not to go. We can't expect others to change their plans to suit us and our problems but what we can do it do what WE want to suit our minds and lifestyles.
I wouldn't bother leaving it till the last minute and making up some elaborate excuse,Just tell her now you aren't going,end the matter and enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy in peace. If your husband wants to go that's up to him
no one understands our problems unless they have them and trying to 'get' themto understand is futile. We are not the centre of their lives and cannot expect them to understand and change their plans to suit us. All we can do is accept the situation as it is and deal with it on our terms,doing what it best for our recovery.
YOU matter,what YOU want matters. Believe you are worthy as a person and put YOUR needs first.It's notbeing selfish,it's self preservation
Just don't go. You can't control your friend having a dinner party. Just say you don't want to go and don't go,.You don't need to come up with any elaborate lies or long drawn out explanations of drinking problems.
Most dinner parties have wine there anyway. It's totally understandable that you won't feel comfortable there and it is totally acceptable not to go. We can't expect others to change their plans to suit us and our problems but what we can do it do what WE want to suit our minds and lifestyles.
I wouldn't bother leaving it till the last minute and making up some elaborate excuse,Just tell her now you aren't going,end the matter and enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy in peace. If your husband wants to go that's up to him
no one understands our problems unless they have them and trying to 'get' themto understand is futile. We are not the centre of their lives and cannot expect them to understand and change their plans to suit us. All we can do is accept the situation as it is and deal with it on our terms,doing what it best for our recovery.
YOU matter,what YOU want matters. Believe you are worthy as a person and put YOUR needs first.It's notbeing selfish,it's self preservation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 44
Thanks for the words of support. I was not really looking for a debate here, I was looking for advice or words of encouragement.
I just want to clarify - I don't expect people to change their behavior for me, and I have certainly been around people who are having a cocktail or a glass of wine with dinner since I gave up drinking.
It just bothered me that someone who knows what I've been struggling with lined me up for a dinner party, and then changed the theme of that dinner party from Italian (where there would probably be some wine involved, which I was prepared for) to a wine-themed dinner, where everyone is bringing at least one bottle of wine (i.e. everyone there will probably drink a bottle of wine).
That's what troubled me - not the idea of being at a dinner party where the occasional drink is had, but being at a party where the whole focus of the evening is drinking. And to say "I don't want to go to your party now because the whole focus of the dinner is now on drinking copious amounts of wine" seemed rude and judgmental to me.
Frankly, had it not been for the pregnancy, I would not have realized that I had a problem, I wouldn't be on SR, and I would bring my favorite cabernet sauvignon and probably a sauvignon blanc to the wine party.
No elaborate lies here, I'm just going to say I have to work (which is true, I'm running tight on some deadlines). I just don't really have anyone else that I can vent to about drinking issues, so I made a quick post to SR to let that feeling of "crap, what do I do now?" out.
Again, wasn't looking for a debate or a discussion, although I'm always open to that. I think it is a good point about others not having to think about us and our drinking issues, and I'm fine with that. But when it is someone who knows your sensitivity, who just can't seem to help steering the course right back to the same behaviors that caused you heartache in the first place, it's a little upsetting.
I'm certainly not cutting this friend out of my life, but I think it is fair to feel bothered by what happened.
I just want to clarify - I don't expect people to change their behavior for me, and I have certainly been around people who are having a cocktail or a glass of wine with dinner since I gave up drinking.
It just bothered me that someone who knows what I've been struggling with lined me up for a dinner party, and then changed the theme of that dinner party from Italian (where there would probably be some wine involved, which I was prepared for) to a wine-themed dinner, where everyone is bringing at least one bottle of wine (i.e. everyone there will probably drink a bottle of wine).
That's what troubled me - not the idea of being at a dinner party where the occasional drink is had, but being at a party where the whole focus of the evening is drinking. And to say "I don't want to go to your party now because the whole focus of the dinner is now on drinking copious amounts of wine" seemed rude and judgmental to me.
Frankly, had it not been for the pregnancy, I would not have realized that I had a problem, I wouldn't be on SR, and I would bring my favorite cabernet sauvignon and probably a sauvignon blanc to the wine party.
No elaborate lies here, I'm just going to say I have to work (which is true, I'm running tight on some deadlines). I just don't really have anyone else that I can vent to about drinking issues, so I made a quick post to SR to let that feeling of "crap, what do I do now?" out.
Again, wasn't looking for a debate or a discussion, although I'm always open to that. I think it is a good point about others not having to think about us and our drinking issues, and I'm fine with that. But when it is someone who knows your sensitivity, who just can't seem to help steering the course right back to the same behaviors that caused you heartache in the first place, it's a little upsetting.
I'm certainly not cutting this friend out of my life, but I think it is fair to feel bothered by what happened.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 44
One more point of clarification - this is a small dinner party for couples, no more than maybe 8 people who we went to college with. So, it is not like a big party where no one would notice if I came or not. It is the kind of thing where if I don't go, I need an excuse, otherwise, I'm being rude. And I know it would hurt my friend's feelings to say that I'm not going because the level of drinking that will occur will make me feel guilty and uncomfortable.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I'm sure your friend didn't mean to be insensitive. People don't always act as we expect or want them to. She probably didn't give a second thought to changing the evening to a wine evening- or maybe it was her husband's idea.There's a whole host of scenarios. We can't expect others to put our needs first. I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose and we can't expect others to think of our sensitivities before acting. Maybe she did think of it and didn't want to invite you but then thought that would offend you? Maybe she didn't think it would bother you as she knows you've not been drinking since pregnant because you care about your baby and knows you wouldn't drink even if there. Or maybe she genuinely doesn't understand. See,there could be so many reasons. All you can do is go or not go but please try not to let it stress you out so much.Relax and enjoy your pregnancy
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 44
Yes to Coffee and Wine: Rewriting the Rules of Pregnancy - WSJ.com
Article in today's Wall Street Journal about it being okay to drink lightly while pregnant.
It is such a slippery slope. I know that I have a drinking problem, and as you can probably tell, I sincerely regret the heavy drinking/binge drinking before I knew I was pregnant. But I can't imagine pushing that aside and picking up an "occasional" glass of wine now.
I have seen the occasional thread from other moms-to-be who are recovering alcoholics, so I thought I should mention this and say that, regardless of what the well-meaning economist at the WSJ says, I'm abstaining from alcohol, period.
Article in today's Wall Street Journal about it being okay to drink lightly while pregnant.
It is such a slippery slope. I know that I have a drinking problem, and as you can probably tell, I sincerely regret the heavy drinking/binge drinking before I knew I was pregnant. But I can't imagine pushing that aside and picking up an "occasional" glass of wine now.
I have seen the occasional thread from other moms-to-be who are recovering alcoholics, so I thought I should mention this and say that, regardless of what the well-meaning economist at the WSJ says, I'm abstaining from alcohol, period.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 44
Another month of sobriety down, and we are a month away from the due date.
So far, all of the ultrasounds have been normal. My OB still refers me to a perinatal specialist for ultrasounds every 4 weeks, to assess fetal development in light of the heavy drinking (i.e. two bottles of wine in one night on a bender, plus occasional "moderate" drinking) before I knew I was pregnant.
The nursery is ready, we have in the infant car seat. I start to relax, enjoy the baby and the excitement from our family and friends, and then the worry and the guilt sneaks up on me again, like clockwork.
This time, the trigger was rescheduling a "new parent/new patient" meeting with a pediatrician for the baby. I am going to have to tell him that I am a recovering alcoholic and that I drank heavily before I knew I was pregnant. I would do anything for my child, but it makes my chest tight to think about what the pediatrician will say and the testing that will have to be done to assess my child.
So far, all of the ultrasounds have been normal. My OB still refers me to a perinatal specialist for ultrasounds every 4 weeks, to assess fetal development in light of the heavy drinking (i.e. two bottles of wine in one night on a bender, plus occasional "moderate" drinking) before I knew I was pregnant.
The nursery is ready, we have in the infant car seat. I start to relax, enjoy the baby and the excitement from our family and friends, and then the worry and the guilt sneaks up on me again, like clockwork.
This time, the trigger was rescheduling a "new parent/new patient" meeting with a pediatrician for the baby. I am going to have to tell him that I am a recovering alcoholic and that I drank heavily before I knew I was pregnant. I would do anything for my child, but it makes my chest tight to think about what the pediatrician will say and the testing that will have to be done to assess my child.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 92
If it helps at all, many people don't know they are pregnant the first month or two, and many drink regularly or socially and as long as you stop when you know your baby will be absolutely fine most of the time. There are more and more studies coming out that show light to moderate drinking, especially in the very early or very late stages of pregnancy, is safe. Of course many still err on the side of better safe than sorry but the "Scary time" to have binge drinks during pregnancy is the 2nd trimester when the major development is occuring. Don't beat yourself up. Congratuations on your upcoming baby.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 44
Thanks, Susan2984. You and other folks on SR have been very reassuring. Unfortunately, before I came to SR, I spent weeks living online, reading everything I could about heavy or binge drinking during early pregnancy, up to the point of realizing you're pregnant. I know I am not the first mom to drink and then realize that she is pregnant, but I was drinking in what the cohort/studies consider to be a "high risk" - i.e. drinking heavily on the weekends, in a binge.
I'm in my late 20s and I work at a stressful, intense job. It has been hard to deal with the shame of how reckless I was being with the drinking, and it is something that I relive and will continue to relive, I think, until we know more about the baby.
The forums on SR are helpful because I really can't share much with my family and friends about how these feelings effect me. I tried to talk to them, at different points in time, but then I started to feel like it was selfish to let them know how worried I am, like it was taking away from their joy about the baby. So, at this point, SR is my only outlet.
I'm in my late 20s and I work at a stressful, intense job. It has been hard to deal with the shame of how reckless I was being with the drinking, and it is something that I relive and will continue to relive, I think, until we know more about the baby.
The forums on SR are helpful because I really can't share much with my family and friends about how these feelings effect me. I tried to talk to them, at different points in time, but then I started to feel like it was selfish to let them know how worried I am, like it was taking away from their joy about the baby. So, at this point, SR is my only outlet.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
My heart goes out to you and I hope you really can enjoy these last few weeks. You've done all you can and speculating and making yourself stressed and sad isn't going to help you or your baby. Please allow yourself to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy! (((Hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 44
When I say I'm concerned about judgment from others, at this point, I am talking about the judgment from my family and friends for worrying about the baby and feeling guilty about the drinking. Almost without exception, my friends and family shrugged off the drinking and joined in the refrain of "I'm sure this happens all the time, you weren't really an alcoholic, etc." And it angers or troubles them that I am concerned because (1) yes, I am an alcoholic and was engaging in heavy alcohol consumption in early pregnancy and (2) that I can't let go of that worry sometimes and assume that things might be fine.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 4
I went through the exact same thing with both of my children, I was an extremely heavy drinker, and had no idea I was pregnant until I missed my period, I was drinking so heavily I didn't even know when I was supposed to get it but after quite some time I knew it had been too long, and I worried throughout the entire pregnancy (both pregnancies) that my baby was going to have issues and it was all goign to be from drinking. But they were both born perfectly healthy and I am very blessed. I did alot of research at the time as well and I never came across anyone that did have a baby born with medical issues as a result of their drinking in the very early stages of pregnancy.
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