Dealing with the Root
...It's Time.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 83
Dealing with the Root
I know exactly when and why I started to drink. Now im trying to make amends with it so I can let go and put it behind me because i never dealt with it and its affected a subsequent relationship drastically. However im getting mixed advice on this and im confused.
As a quick background, i began to drink because I was in a physically abusive relationship. It didnt start off abusive but progressed over a 3 year time. I found out later he had his own issues with oxys and vicodins that he became addicted to after a motorcycle accident. Anyway we use to drink socially at first but he was very insecure physically from his accident that he started bringing liquor over to feel confident during intimacy. Basically when we moved in together there was now liquor regularly in my home. SO when it started getting violent I found myself drinking it as a crutch i guess to deal with what happening. He was the love of my life or so i thought and After id had enough and we broke up i fell into such a deep depression. I couldnt understand why he treated me this way. I later found out about his issues but it was to late i was emotionally and physically scarred.
He moved on supposedly got better and I secretly got worst and worst. Carried the baggage to another relationship and hurt someone who was really trying with me. Which brings me to today. 3 1/2 years later a full blown alcoholic.
A few months back when i got sober he broke up with his girlfriend who is also a full blown alcoholic btw ...and wrote me on facebook. I accepted his friend request and we began chatting. Everyone as far as friends and family was saying im nuts to talk to him but i felt it is theraputic to my recovery. Telling him what he did to me and how it affected me til this day has helped relieve my soul. Hearing his side and reasons has helped me come to terms and make peace. I guess whats worrying everyone is that his motives are a reconcilliation. Which honestly is the furthest thing on my mind.
So Was wondering wkndering your thoughts on this and did you feel the need to deal with the root that started it all to be able to recover?
(P.s. this guy is not my daughters father. I was married it didnt work out and i did not drink back then. I honestly had a normal healthy upbringing. No abuse or anything like that. This guy was a boyfriend after my marriage. I let him ruin me. He still doesnt know the truth of how bad i got. I dont want to give him the satisfaction. But i do want peace with it)
As a quick background, i began to drink because I was in a physically abusive relationship. It didnt start off abusive but progressed over a 3 year time. I found out later he had his own issues with oxys and vicodins that he became addicted to after a motorcycle accident. Anyway we use to drink socially at first but he was very insecure physically from his accident that he started bringing liquor over to feel confident during intimacy. Basically when we moved in together there was now liquor regularly in my home. SO when it started getting violent I found myself drinking it as a crutch i guess to deal with what happening. He was the love of my life or so i thought and After id had enough and we broke up i fell into such a deep depression. I couldnt understand why he treated me this way. I later found out about his issues but it was to late i was emotionally and physically scarred.
He moved on supposedly got better and I secretly got worst and worst. Carried the baggage to another relationship and hurt someone who was really trying with me. Which brings me to today. 3 1/2 years later a full blown alcoholic.
A few months back when i got sober he broke up with his girlfriend who is also a full blown alcoholic btw ...and wrote me on facebook. I accepted his friend request and we began chatting. Everyone as far as friends and family was saying im nuts to talk to him but i felt it is theraputic to my recovery. Telling him what he did to me and how it affected me til this day has helped relieve my soul. Hearing his side and reasons has helped me come to terms and make peace. I guess whats worrying everyone is that his motives are a reconcilliation. Which honestly is the furthest thing on my mind.
So Was wondering wkndering your thoughts on this and did you feel the need to deal with the root that started it all to be able to recover?
(P.s. this guy is not my daughters father. I was married it didnt work out and i did not drink back then. I honestly had a normal healthy upbringing. No abuse or anything like that. This guy was a boyfriend after my marriage. I let him ruin me. He still doesnt know the truth of how bad i got. I dont want to give him the satisfaction. But i do want peace with it)
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I agree with you completely. Stopping drinking is not enough. We need to look at ourselves and figure out what brought us to that point. It sounds like you know when the problems began and that you have to address those issues before you can move on. I don't think that means you need to deal with your ex, but maybe you need to work on self-esteem for yourself, loving yourself, so that you can be in a healthy relationship.
...It's Time.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
Why do you need to make amends for being in an abusive relationship? Shouldn't he be making them to you?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
One of the main reasons I signed up here and even went to AA was to deal with the root cause of the problem. Directly neither helped me with that. But this board and AA did shine a new light on the alcohlic in me etc.. and as a result I was able to seperate the 2 issues. Drinking is 1 issue yes there might be a root cause but in my case with or without that specific root cause I'm still an alcoholic i can find many root causes to justify the drinking. I needed a drink to cope with anything.
this is where the seperate issue is. Drinking was my way of self medicating "life" and problems away etc.. It was also my way of enjoying celebratory situations or just any regular day.
yeah the root is i had some problems found booze then I realized I could use it for all the other problems and whatever other excuse i could come up with as well.
Before this board or AA I always figured I had to cope with the root. I do but its seperate from my drinking issue.
IN my case I'm trying to accept the root issues realizing I cant change what happened. I cant make it go away. I have to accept it and move forward. I do kinda wanna go back to it and address it and I might if the time and situation is right but for now acceptance works.
this is where the seperate issue is. Drinking was my way of self medicating "life" and problems away etc.. It was also my way of enjoying celebratory situations or just any regular day.
yeah the root is i had some problems found booze then I realized I could use it for all the other problems and whatever other excuse i could come up with as well.
Before this board or AA I always figured I had to cope with the root. I do but its seperate from my drinking issue.
IN my case I'm trying to accept the root issues realizing I cant change what happened. I cant make it go away. I have to accept it and move forward. I do kinda wanna go back to it and address it and I might if the time and situation is right but for now acceptance works.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 189
I agree, they are separate issues that need to be dealt with individually. Some counselors specialize in domestic abuse issues, you really need to find someone who is knowledgeable in this area & who you click with.
"A part og me still feels like i did something to provoke it. I dont know whats wrong wiyh me, i know I didnt"
Most people who have been in your situation feel this way. Abusers use manipulation and control to gain power, by trying to make you think that you are the problem, not them. They try to break you down, and then make you feel like your crazy by minimizing their actions, and interdispersing violent and abusive behaviors with periods where they are nice & devoted to you. Otherwise you would never stay.
Talking to him online is not therapeutic. It is unlikely that he has really changed, and any actions that you may perceive as sympathetic to the way that he treated you are ploys of manipulation to gain control over you. Please be careful, because typically the abuse intensifies when you return after a period of being apart. Many women have been killed because they thought that their husband/boyfriend had "changed". He will not be willing to be just your friend online in the longrun, so it is best to avoid all contact with him. I am sorry that you are going through this but happy that you are sober!!
"A part og me still feels like i did something to provoke it. I dont know whats wrong wiyh me, i know I didnt"
Most people who have been in your situation feel this way. Abusers use manipulation and control to gain power, by trying to make you think that you are the problem, not them. They try to break you down, and then make you feel like your crazy by minimizing their actions, and interdispersing violent and abusive behaviors with periods where they are nice & devoted to you. Otherwise you would never stay.
Talking to him online is not therapeutic. It is unlikely that he has really changed, and any actions that you may perceive as sympathetic to the way that he treated you are ploys of manipulation to gain control over you. Please be careful, because typically the abuse intensifies when you return after a period of being apart. Many women have been killed because they thought that their husband/boyfriend had "changed". He will not be willing to be just your friend online in the longrun, so it is best to avoid all contact with him. I am sorry that you are going through this but happy that you are sober!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I can think back to the abusive situations where i was abused and I cannot fathom why whatever i did wrong justified the response taken against me. It was wrong it was not my fault AT ALL! there are healthier better ways to deal with the situations i was in but the aggressor screwed up not me! I am not going to carry around the guilt and anger and negative whatever over someone elses mistake! they can carry that bag of s#*#* around wtih them till they can make ammends for it some how. Its NOT MY FAULT OR MY FRIGGEN PROBLEM. I washed my hands of it.
Fast forward with my own kids I have given it some thought could i treat my children how I was treated? Could do some of those things? I even went so far as to invision myself doing it and i've had nightmeres where I have done some of those things and I felt AWFUL so much remorse and it never even happened!! It was just in my imagination. But in my case the aggressor had no remorse from my view anyway and I can just assume there some kind of a monster I dont know how someone can live with themselves after doing stuff like that to someone else.
That being said you have to have compasion and sympathy to a degree for the aggressors in abusive situations. They clearly are sick and not exactly mentally sound and have some battles of there own going on apparently. Tho I'm not sure its our place to step in and try and help them if we where once there victoms. Other then offering forgiveness I cant do any more for my aggressors.
Fast forward with my own kids I have given it some thought could i treat my children how I was treated? Could do some of those things? I even went so far as to invision myself doing it and i've had nightmeres where I have done some of those things and I felt AWFUL so much remorse and it never even happened!! It was just in my imagination. But in my case the aggressor had no remorse from my view anyway and I can just assume there some kind of a monster I dont know how someone can live with themselves after doing stuff like that to someone else.
That being said you have to have compasion and sympathy to a degree for the aggressors in abusive situations. They clearly are sick and not exactly mentally sound and have some battles of there own going on apparently. Tho I'm not sure its our place to step in and try and help them if we where once there victoms. Other then offering forgiveness I cant do any more for my aggressors.
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