It's been a while..sadly, no good news :(
Abnormally normal
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
It's been a while..sadly, no good news :(
Hello all,
It's been a while since I've been on here. I really don't know why I'm here. Maybe because I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm lost.
Things are worse than they have been. My not giving a sh*t has hit a new low. I haven't been able to get myself back on track and I'm losing things I've never lost before and it scares the sh*t out of me how I don't care. I mean, I do, but I don't. How does one's mind think like that? How can the things I do, be negatively life changing, yet i have no will to change them? Right now, I'm just waiting for more bad things to happen instead of trying to change them. And I don't get it. Even as I type this, I wanna kick my own @ss just for thinking like this. And I do, I get a moment of clarity and say this is it. I'm changing my life. But when its time, all I wanna do is stay in bed and sleep and forget about the world. Forget about the sh*t I've caused. I'm not living. At all.
I'm SOOO f*cken tired of being so weak and acting like I deserve this. This life. This way of thinking. This way of being. This way of living. This way of drinking. I just don't know how to start. I mean, I do. I know what I have to do. But getting that will power, that WANT, I don't. I honestly don't. Not anymore.
Sorry for the rant. I guess that's why I came on here. It's been a while. And I hate that I came back as still, a whiny alcoholic.
It's been a while since I've been on here. I really don't know why I'm here. Maybe because I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm lost.
Things are worse than they have been. My not giving a sh*t has hit a new low. I haven't been able to get myself back on track and I'm losing things I've never lost before and it scares the sh*t out of me how I don't care. I mean, I do, but I don't. How does one's mind think like that? How can the things I do, be negatively life changing, yet i have no will to change them? Right now, I'm just waiting for more bad things to happen instead of trying to change them. And I don't get it. Even as I type this, I wanna kick my own @ss just for thinking like this. And I do, I get a moment of clarity and say this is it. I'm changing my life. But when its time, all I wanna do is stay in bed and sleep and forget about the world. Forget about the sh*t I've caused. I'm not living. At all.
I'm SOOO f*cken tired of being so weak and acting like I deserve this. This life. This way of thinking. This way of being. This way of living. This way of drinking. I just don't know how to start. I mean, I do. I know what I have to do. But getting that will power, that WANT, I don't. I honestly don't. Not anymore.
Sorry for the rant. I guess that's why I came on here. It's been a while. And I hate that I came back as still, a whiny alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
simplyfab, I went through the same thing while I was drinking and it continued for a few months afterward. The APATHY was astounding, especially considering that prior to alcoholic drinking I had an insane drive to better myself. It got the point where I was actually self-sabotaging certain aspects of my life and I didn't care.
Recovery, therapy, and psychiatry have turned it around. Be proactive in tackling this and you can get back on track. Good luck!
Recovery, therapy, and psychiatry have turned it around. Be proactive in tackling this and you can get back on track. Good luck!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 209,185
Hi Simplyfab 
I'm sorry you're struggling but it's good to see you back - that means a little part of you still gives a damn
When I didn't give a damn, I thought it was me, too, but it wasn't - it was my addiction.
It loves inertia, it loves apathy - it's almost as good as booze to it.
the last thing it/I wanted to do was reach out - but it's the very best thing to do, Drag it pout into the light - expose it - call in all and any reinforcements you have...
change the rules, change the game. Be a winner
you can do this - I believe in you
D
I'm sorry you're struggling but it's good to see you back - that means a little part of you still gives a damn
When I didn't give a damn, I thought it was me, too, but it wasn't - it was my addiction.
It loves inertia, it loves apathy - it's almost as good as booze to it.
the last thing it/I wanted to do was reach out - but it's the very best thing to do, Drag it pout into the light - expose it - call in all and any reinforcements you have...
change the rules, change the game. Be a winner
you can do this - I believe in you
D
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Heard at a meeting the other day "action will change your thinking quicker than thinking will change your actions" .
What you describe, that hopeless black state where only bad things happen is actually what I thought sobriety would be like - dull, no fun, fear. I couldn't have been more wrong.
The action I took was to call AA and spend an afternoon talking to a recovered alcoholic. He introduced me to more AAs at a meeting that night, and what I saw there gave me hope. After some initial resistance and one really good slip, I began to do what they did, and I got what they got - freedom from alcohol and a whole lot more.
If you continue to do what you are doing, you will get what you are getting.
What you describe, that hopeless black state where only bad things happen is actually what I thought sobriety would be like - dull, no fun, fear. I couldn't have been more wrong.
The action I took was to call AA and spend an afternoon talking to a recovered alcoholic. He introduced me to more AAs at a meeting that night, and what I saw there gave me hope. After some initial resistance and one really good slip, I began to do what they did, and I got what they got - freedom from alcohol and a whole lot more.
If you continue to do what you are doing, you will get what you are getting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
simplyfab... Thank HP you do keep coming back here... Please dont ever give up trying to quit. Believe that there can be a better life, a better outlook. Dont let your addiction dictate how you are to live, how you have to view the world, because your addiction is a Liar and wants to kill you. You deserve so much more than being cheated life by your addiction. Pick yourself up, do a day at a time, just dont ever drink today..
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 50,709
Welcome back simplyfab! It's so good to see you. The fact that you came back means a lot - you aren't ready to give up on a better life for yourself. I'm so glad you reached out. Maybe things can be different this time. Please stay with us.
The fact that you came back means a lot - you aren't ready to give up on a better life for yourself. I'm so glad you reached out. Maybe things can be different this time. Please stay with us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Welcome back. Your feelings are not that uncommon but still frightening when I had them. At a AA meeting it was discussed and making a gratitude list was suggested along with asking a Higher Power to remove this painful emotion. It wasn't removed like a lightning bolt but within a week, practicing daily, it was much better. BE WELL
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