It's been a while..sadly, no good news :(

Old 05-30-2013, 05:05 PM
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It's been a while..sadly, no good news :(

Hello all,
It's been a while since I've been on here. I really don't know why I'm here. Maybe because I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm lost.
Things are worse than they have been. My not giving a sh*t has hit a new low. I haven't been able to get myself back on track and I'm losing things I've never lost before and it scares the sh*t out of me how I don't care. I mean, I do, but I don't. How does one's mind think like that? How can the things I do, be negatively life changing, yet i have no will to change them? Right now, I'm just waiting for more bad things to happen instead of trying to change them. And I don't get it. Even as I type this, I wanna kick my own @ss just for thinking like this. And I do, I get a moment of clarity and say this is it. I'm changing my life. But when its time, all I wanna do is stay in bed and sleep and forget about the world. Forget about the sh*t I've caused. I'm not living. At all.
I'm SOOO f*cken tired of being so weak and acting like I deserve this. This life. This way of thinking. This way of being. This way of living. This way of drinking. I just don't know how to start. I mean, I do. I know what I have to do. But getting that will power, that WANT, I don't. I honestly don't. Not anymore.

Sorry for the rant. I guess that's why I came on here. It's been a while. And I hate that I came back as still, a whiny alcoholic.
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Old 05-30-2013, 05:10 PM
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Are you attending AA meetings?

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 05-30-2013, 05:14 PM
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simplyfab, I went through the same thing while I was drinking and it continued for a few months afterward. The APATHY was astounding, especially considering that prior to alcoholic drinking I had an insane drive to better myself. It got the point where I was actually self-sabotaging certain aspects of my life and I didn't care.

Recovery, therapy, and psychiatry have turned it around. Be proactive in tackling this and you can get back on track. Good luck!
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Old 05-30-2013, 05:16 PM
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Hi Simplyfab

I'm sorry you're struggling but it's good to see you back - that means a little part of you still gives a damn

When I didn't give a damn, I thought it was me, too, but it wasn't - it was my addiction.

It loves inertia, it loves apathy - it's almost as good as booze to it.

the last thing it/I wanted to do was reach out - but it's the very best thing to do, Drag it pout into the light - expose it - call in all and any reinforcements you have...

change the rules, change the game. Be a winner
you can do this - I believe in you

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Old 05-30-2013, 05:19 PM
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Make the choice to start caring. Go to AA and work the steps.
It can't hurt and it just might help.
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Old 05-30-2013, 05:30 PM
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Dee74...always the voice of reason. I forgot how much being on here makes you see things with just a little more hope. Thank you all
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Old 05-30-2013, 06:03 PM
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Heard at a meeting the other day "action will change your thinking quicker than thinking will change your actions" .

What you describe, that hopeless black state where only bad things happen is actually what I thought sobriety would be like - dull, no fun, fear. I couldn't have been more wrong.

The action I took was to call AA and spend an afternoon talking to a recovered alcoholic. He introduced me to more AAs at a meeting that night, and what I saw there gave me hope. After some initial resistance and one really good slip, I began to do what they did, and I got what they got - freedom from alcohol and a whole lot more.

If you continue to do what you are doing, you will get what you are getting.
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Old 05-30-2013, 07:50 PM
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simplyfab... Thank HP you do keep coming back here... Please dont ever give up trying to quit. Believe that there can be a better life, a better outlook. Dont let your addiction dictate how you are to live, how you have to view the world, because your addiction is a Liar and wants to kill you. You deserve so much more than being cheated life by your addiction. Pick yourself up, do a day at a time, just dont ever drink today..
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Old 05-30-2013, 07:52 PM
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Welcome back simplyfab! It's so good to see you. The fact that you came back means a lot - you aren't ready to give up on a better life for yourself. I'm so glad you reached out. Maybe things can be different this time. Please stay with us.
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Old 05-31-2013, 04:02 AM
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Welcome back. Your feelings are not that uncommon but still frightening when I had them. At a AA meeting it was discussed and making a gratitude list was suggested along with asking a Higher Power to remove this painful emotion. It wasn't removed like a lightning bolt but within a week, practicing daily, it was much better. BE WELL
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