bigsombrero

Hi all-

This will come off as insensitive to some, but it's an important question that I think might help me get back on track.

The recovery community is full of different people with different histories. A lot of folks have NEVER had it easy. They grew up in an alcoholic home. They were picked on as kids. Abusive parents. They turned to drink to ease their pain. No college, low-paying jobs, and a history of terrible relationship choices have come along for the ride with their alcoholism.

I sympathize greatly with these stories - but I find it harder to identify with them in recovery. I've been living the "hard life" now for my entire 11 months of sobriety - I've picked avocados, lived with no hot water in my home, done laundry by hand, and scuffled and scraped by with no car. And it sucks. I've tasted success and I know what it's like. I've got an expensive apartment in a big US city that needs large rent payments. I've got expectations (at least perceived expectations) from family and friends that I'll "shake this thing" and get "back on track". My mother, father, and sister have all done well in their lives too....my old friends are wildly successful, for the most part. I'm the black sheep. And I feel like everyone is wondering what's going on with me.

I feel like I'm "running out of excuses" for not being more successful. Sure, a few months to get my brains together - but NOW what? I feel like the eyes of everyone are upon me - I'm SUPPOSED to be the wunderkind, the genius that everyone always knew would do great things! Yet I'm scraping by and holding this life together with bubble gum and duct-tape. It's been 11 months and aside from not drinking, losing weight, and overall being a better person - there's no definitive scientific evidence that says I'm better off. I have less money, fewer friends, and I'm still battling depression.

I feel like SOBRIETY in itself is no longer enough. I feel like my options are so few, and all of them are so depressing. I don't WANT to go live in a sober house and screw bottle caps on coca-cola products. That's not what I got into this sobriety thing for - I got into sobriety so I could start rebuilding a successful life...and when someone says "hey, at least you're not drinking" - yeah that's great, but I need a LOT MORE than that. These pats on the back at AA meetings for not picking up a drink are feeling more and more patronizing.

soberclover

Great post Big. I have been having similar feelings as of late that I, too, should be doing more with my life now that I've found sobriety. However, I'm realizing that I am doing life. One day at a time. Each day I do the best I can with what I have. Some days I have enough and some days I do not. Just because we get sober it doesn't mean the money tree shows up, or the friends, and that our mental health issues vanish. 11 months is great. However, your drinking life was longer. Mine was too. I've come to realize that it is just going to take time for me to realize more of my goals. I can have goals as long as I don't have expectations. You are rebuilding your life. It just takes time. I have a piece of paper that is stuck on my computer screen....it says "Time heals almost everything. Give time time."

Sudz No More

Success can sometimes be in the eye of the beholder you know? I may not be as well off as some others in my life but I actually think in certain ways I am richer than them just not in the wallet.

How many people can say they moved thousands of miles away and did something different with their lives? Maybe I'm not in my sister's big city high rise but she is not staring out at the mountains like I am as I write this. She may be at a Posh restaurant while I am enjoying identifying different trees in the forest by their leaves. How many different Oaks did you count?

Who is more successful? You or them? I think it really depends on perspective.

Cormat

Really needed to read this post today. Just over a year myself and am feeling a similar level of frustration really because I to have been successful in the past and whilst still ahead of the game at least in assets I have a financial hole of about $50,000 that I need to fill.

I have recently started a job at a local airport doing 'meet and greet' driving and its ripping something inside of me apart. So much so that I have to get near to it and meditate for up to 30 minutes before my shift starts. Worse thing ever is when people give me tips, especially those younger than myself and it pains me to be doing such a job.

But I know that pride has been a massive cause of my problems and that this job, which is fine and I work with some great people, is about me learning humility again. Its almost a form of therapy and standing about on windy airport terminal drop-off spots gives me some time to pray.

I am having to learn patience and realising that my higher power has His own agenda and time scale and that I have to fit in with that, not expect Him to just aquiese to mine because I have decided to get sober. Everything happens for a reason and I know that what I am doing at the moment is part of the a bigger plan and its not for me to try and understand.

bigsombrero

Thanks clover,

You are right. But people in my life aren't as understanding about "time" though. Ya know? It's like, I've been given my space, I've traveled and volunteered....and now the questions are coming my way: "so...what are you up to now?"

I feel like "normies" are having trouble grasping the true life-changing aspects that I'm dealing with. I can't just dust off my Steve Maddens, press my shirt and tie and show up at an office downtown and say "I'm ready to go now!" - it doesn't work that way.

bigsombrero

Thanks Cormat - this is exactly my situation! On paper, I'm still the guy with the nice Chicago apartment, the nice clothes, the guy who travels and lives in new countries and explores the world...but it's the way I'm going about it that seems to be causing my personal strife. I'm doing odd jobs and projects here and there. I'm not paying back my financial debts. I'm not contributing to a retirement fund (which is dried up anyway thanks to my alcoholism). There's no "set plan" in place.

I'm just living day by day. Maybe that's a good thing, I think in reality it is. But sometimes it's just hard living this way. Perhaps I'm not looking at it the right way....but this seems like more than just "having a tough day" - I think I need to work on accepting this, I need to work on seeing the big picture.

I just wish normal folks could understand how hard this is.

Threshold

I know what you mean Big.

Since getting into recovery I lost my 25 yr marriage, my home, 97% of my posessions, lived in a camper with no sanitation...hey, is THIS what I recovered for?

Well, good question. At first I thought one of the perks of sobriety was that my exterior life would get better. Surprise! It was that my interior life would get better, which may or may not impact my exterior life.

There are good, happy people who don't have much materially.

I may be one of them.

Maybe my hey days are behind me...I don't know. If you have those ambitions, in time, probably you will get back on that horse and ride it into a happy Sunset. You may find your dreams and goals have changed.

I hear your frustration though, and maybe a touch of fear.

In my situation, fighting it did me no good. For now I am riding it out to see where it takes me. This approach doesn't work for everyone.

tomsteve

my friend, theres only one set of eyes ya gotta be concerned with and thats the ones lookin back at ya in the mirror.

most normies dont understand the concept of time. we didnt get to where we were overnight and it takes time to get out of there.
please stand up for yourself. it is ok to say soemthing like," i understand you dont understand, but exlaining it isnt something thats been working. i accept all of you for who you are, so please give me some respect and accept me for who i am and where im at. i am sure if you look at it you would rather have me where im at right now than where i was a year ago."
or something to that effect.

doggonecarl

Sobriety is one kind of success. It doesn't guarantee success in any other aspect of our life. But it provides the foundation for anything you want to do successfully.

Maybe you are realizing, now that you are sober, that the image of success that you hold in your head, that you think you should strive for, that your family thinks you should strive for, is just that...illusion.

tomsteve

one day at a time ois good, but its also good to set some goals. what do you want for your future?

doggonecarl

I wanted to add one more thing, maybe slightly off topic, but loosely related to the idea of success.

When you die, do you want to be remembered as, "...the guy with the nice Chicago apartment, the nice clothes, the guy who travels and lives in new countries and explores the world..."?

In other words, do you want to be remembered for the trappings of success? For the things you accomplished? Or the impact you made on other people's lives?

bigsombrero

Thanks TS - I'm not sure I've reached a decision on that yet. In fact, the thought of DECIDING on something sounds so permanent and 'etched-in-stone' that I feel a bit paralyzed even mentioning a path that might interest me. As soon as I mention an interest, the expectations grab hold and become suffocating. I don't have a goal, aside from staying sober and keeping food on my table (wherever that table may be). I wish I did.

But I'm out there - I'm DOING things, meeting people, seeing new places. Nobody ever found gold without digging in the dirt, right now I think I'm just digging around in areas that interest me. I wish I had a better grasp on what I truly want for my future - I think that's where the anxiety and frustration stem from.

I put the blame on others for "pressuring" me, but in reality I'm the one who is pressuring myself to live up to a certain standard.

FeenixxRising

This.

But I understand how you feel. The pressure from family, friends and peers to maintain a certain position and lifestyle can be daunting (although, that pressure may be more perception than reality). Usually, these people view such a life as the way for you to be truly happy; their intent is probably not malicious or motivated by materialistic concerns. They may just see it as the proper way for you to live a happy, productive life and the best way to secure your future.

But at the end of the day it is you who must decide what your "proper" life will be. I believe recovery will become easier once you have a better idea of the direction you want to take. Maybe you could start writing down some of things you may want to do on a permanent basis. You don't have to actually set any goals or even give strong consideration to any particularly idea. But writing them on paper may help to stir-up your more ambitious side. You're obviously a bright guy, with some good eduction credentials, and that cannot be taken from you, so I'm sure you have a number of options when you're ready to move in a new direction.

Splash29

I had a bad dose of this recently too. I'm newly sober in a new job as a medical assistant. A downgrade from my previous occupation. I saw a girl I went to school with. She's a doctor and married. While I'm just an assistant and single. It's kinda depressed me the last few days, but I made the decisions to get me here and I'm taking responsibility for them.

tomsteve

im gonna guess the fear is of the outcome of plans ya make? fear that the outcome wont be what ya planned? if so, what i gotta do is remember i can make plans, but i cant plan the outcome.

one way to combat fear is with courage. courage doent mean the absense of fear. it means i will make plans in spite of fear, go through with them and leave the outcome in Gods hands.


yer out there doin things. that may not be what others want you to do, but is it what you want to do? i call what yer doin adventerous and it takes courage to do that!

caboblanco

You may think of yourself as the "black sheep" but from what you describe it sounds like you have a lot of freedom at the moment too. I'm in some of the same circumstances as yourself. No wife, no kids, unsure of my future. Life is an adventure. I wouldn't compare myself to others. That never got me anywhere. We are all on our own separate paths.

hypochondriac

I think you're right, sobriety isn't enough. We still need to eat, go to work, clean our gutters, do the washing up... all stuff that sounds positively exhausting to me. During my first year of sobriety I couldn't muster up the energy to to much at all. It is only now, a few months down the line, where I am beginning to feel the stirrings of motivation.

So, what's holding you back? You talk about what you don't have but not what's stopping you from getting it...? Is it a fatigue thing? Depression? Is the perceived expectations from others paralysing you. I say perceived because really that's what it boils down to. Chances are there are thousands of people judging your every action but you can't worry about what everyone thinks right?

I think there is a really good reason why AA suggests not to make any major changes in the first year. Emotionally it's a hectic time. If I responded to every emotion I had I would have left my job and divorced my family. I am still thinking of both these things, but in a much more rational way now. I have figured out why I am not happy in my job and have discovered that it is much better to cope than walk away from situations. To be honest I think I may be heading down a path that means a major pay cut, no one will understand it, but it will make me really happy and give me some self worth. They're the things I am concerned about now. I was raised to believe that appearances were all that mattered and I swear that didn't help with my drinking problem. I think happiness is much more important than what other people think of me and it has taken sobriety to teach me that.

bigsombrero

Thanks all. Been tough, being mobile is great but i do sacrifice stable and long-term peer support because of it. I have gone to meetings recently, but as a floater i dont get a chance to get a "group investment" in my progress. thankful for having SR for support, council, and wise words during this time.

zjw

sometimes less is more. I too figured there should be some great fireworks for my sobriety success. I too figured being sober would solve the problems of the world. and i guess slowly but surely it is to a degree not exactly in the timeframe i would have wanted but i've learned some patience along the way and how to accept things for what they are.

there is no point in trying to please all these other people in your life if its going to cause you grief. If there unhappy with your success that is there opinion and there problem dont make it yours!. You are you your doing what YOU can.

Its tough to figure out how to be happy with what you have and bloom where your planted etc.. it can totaly STINK at times. But sometimes its your perspective thats not exactly perfect and not your life circumstances.

I was really miserable about my life circumstances i still can be when i'm having bad moments but I finally got tired of that misery and decided to try and accept things for how they are and how to be happy about what i had. Being greatful and thankful and charitable go a long way. I know sometimes that sounds like BS I knwo those pats on the back make you wanna tell someone to p*** off some times But sometimes thats all you got and you should be happy you have that much.

I got tired of being miserable. There was a line in the shawshank redemption that i'll never forget "get busy living or get busy dien"

hang in there. Do you think the alternative of going back to a life of drinking would be any better?

bigsombrero

Thanks so much folks.