Torso

argh i'm so angry with myself...

I picked up saturday after somone turned up at my house with vodka.
My gf then went out and got hammered and I secretly stayed home and got wasted on my own.

Ive been so drunk since...how my gf hasn't guessed is beyond me... I've been drinking over a litre of vodka a day and now im trying to cut back but it's so hard. I swear these detoxes get so much worse everytime, I think cus I quit eating? Maybe it's rebound anxiety too? I haven't slept since monday night...

urgh, I was enjoying my sobriety, I don't even know why i've done this.
hospital/rehab is not an option.

Wideide58

Sorry about your lapse - voddy will do it every time. I have been where you are - its so hard to quit when you're on a good bender. I'm coming up to day 60 after a liter or more of voddy per day for 2 years. Really enjoying the sober experience - I just stopped - sometimes that's what you need to do. I have no magic words for you but if you need to communicate to know you're not alone or your situation is not hopeless, please reach out.

Torso

Thanks Wide...

I can't just stop, I've been on too many prescribed drugs that my withdrawals are hell even after one day. I'm sure I was having seizures from too much alcohol but today i've ate a lil and feel a bit better.

I've managed to hide most the evidence, and the rubbish is collected today so that always helps my anxiety.

I hate hiding things from my GF but she would not be impressed to say the least.
Cus of my mental health history I just lock myself away and say i'm depressed.
Not entirely untrue...

I know none of this is recommended but I really can't go to hospital for reasons I don't want to go into....I never want to put myself or my GF through this again....Yet I must of said that about 10 times this year already

doggonecarl

Time to hang the No Alcohol Beyond This Point sign on your front door.

And enforce it.

Torso

I would but that's not really fair on my gf, she likes a drink and can take it or leave it. Also she apparently has no idea I have such a problem.

Even coming here for support is all secret.
I'm really not wanting to keep this secret or looking to make excuses but I can't really explain why I could never get pro-help

Sorry, once I can get this toxin out my body, I will try again.

visch1

Why? being in a serious situation I asked myself that and at that moment I got honest with myself and answered that I'm an Alcoholic! Then I took what is called action steps and got off the piety pot of poor me. BE WELL

doggonecarl

My following rely, as I thought about, strikes me as preachy, but I'm going to go ahead and post it in the hope that my point gets across.

For every "no" or "I can't..." you throw in front of your recovery is a "yes" or "I will..." that your addiction uses. I'm sure you have your reasons for not seeking help or support, or not telling people of your problems. But if you polled those who have successfully recovered from alcoholism, you will find most had to make extraordinary changes in their life. Changes you probably can't comprehend.

But recovery is about change. About death to the old life and old ways of thinking.

I wish you luck.

tabasco

You need to tell her, and you need to stop. Detox is awful, the sweats, the fear, the shakes etc, but, it's not that bad. We have all been through it. Unless you tell her that you need to stop, and that drink is now going to put your life and your relationship in danger, she will continue to bring drink into the house, and you will drink it too. If you want to be fair to your GF and fair to yourself, you need to sit her down and be honest.

Torso

I know and I want change. I guess I will detox and try again.
I will pick up my meditation books, stock up on healthy food and leave the past in the past.

I just needed to rant at myself!

Torso

I did try. I told her I need to never drink ever and she laughed at me.
I let all my friends and family know I wont be drinking. I succesfully went to a few parties and drank water or smoothies.

Then I got depressed/anxious and succumbed to not giving a damn!
Otherwise it doesn't bother me too much to be around booze.

admitting my secret drinking will just ruin our relationship, I know drinking isn't good for it either but at least I can pull through and just keep trying to be a better person. If i was agressive or abusive I would admit it but all I do is sit in the spare room watching tv.

SomethingBetter

I know it sounds obvious but “just don’t drink’ is the number one rule I live by, in the beginning I promised myself out loud daily “I will never drink again”, it sounded weird at first, but after a while even my addictive voice believed it.

If I am not firm in my promise and have any doubt my addictive voice will wait me out, give me the impression the desire is over but that is dangerous for me, I have to know I am done forever, that I will Never drink again.

Olive1

I am afraid the only thing that ultimately helped me in getting any long time sobriety was being 100% honest with first myself, and then others.

0percentABV

Wise words. I always cringe when people try to keep their sobriety under wraps, or aren't willing to go the distance to stay sober. I knew I had a drinking problem for the past 5+ years but saying something would just admit I had a problem. And not just alcohol but I felt if I admitted I would be looked at as weak and I did not want that so I told myself I would cut back and all that jazz. But with no accountability to anyone except myself I kept on drinking telling myself I will do better next time. Nothing changed. It wasn't until things started to fall apart that I knew I had to be honest with everyone. Not saying I yelled it from the mountain top but when someone tries handing me a beer I tell them, "No thanks, I dont drink anymore." Being sober is not shameful for me anymore. I wear it like a badge of honor. I don't see myself as weak, no, I was weak when I was still drinking when I knew I had an issue. I am stronger now than I have been in a long time. I'm proud of my sobriety. If someone wants to know I'll tell them. Heck, I'm even seeing a therapist. Not sure if I really need to but I'm freaking serious about this. I see change as an opportunity to live a different life. A stronger, cleaner one. Because we only got one. I want to experience it.

Torso

The problem still lies in that I don't have the option to say I have a problem, I can say it easily to myself cus I know it's true. It would be much much easier for me to be able to admit it to others cus of the isolation and want for me to change.

It simply is not always possible to go seek help, this is not an excuse from me.

I confided in doggen my predicament and I think he understands and I thank him for not reacting the way unfortunately some people I've told have.

I know 100% I don't want alcohol in my life.
I have bad mental health issues I also cannot get treatment for and when my mood swings that's when danger of drinking occurs as I just stop caring.

All this is why I do my best to help myself in all the natural ways I can when sober, diet, exercise, support here, reading as much help program's etc....educating myself.

I really wish I was brave enough to tell you all why I can't seek help, I'm not a criminal or bad person but I know some of you would hate me.

Anyway I haven't drank since yesterday morning and hope this time I won't ever slip again.

doggonecarl

People just want to see you sober. We may push for you to seek support, too hard sometimes, only because we know how hard it is for us to get out of our own way, to fight past our barriers of fear and secrecy.

I know you want to be sober, and I know you will do what you can within your situation to get and stay there.

Good luck.

Torso

P.s AA and other groups are not anonymous in a town with only a couple hundred people, and I cant drive so to find one not in my town is impossible.

Torso

Thanks doggon

Torso

Ok, so I got a good nights sleep thanks to a sleeping aid and have had time to think on it more.

These posts were incredibly negative
me frustrated at my situation
frustrated even here I can't just tell all about my predicament
and most importantly frustrated I drank.

It's my second day without booze and i'm ready to put on my positive boots.
I know it's gonna take a couple of days to begin to feel a lil bit normal, but that's my fault and my fault only and so instead of thinking about it and wallowing it in, I will get on with some positive things and concentrate how good they make me feel.

skunkape

Disclaimer: I'm not aiming this at your Torso. However for myself I know that my relapse thinking cannot exist unless I have somehow given into my alcoholic denial. I may not be fully aware of it but some part of me begins to think again, I'm not like those other alcoholics, or I don't really have the disease yet, or maybe what they're talking about is a different disease than what I have. That is why it is good for me watch my self-talk, call my sponsor and go to meetings

Torso

I understand that's a lot of people's downfall Skunkape.
For me it's more i'm depressed today. I don't give a **** if I die.
My whole nearly 3 weeks I had behind me I felt completely numb...(apart from odd bursts of look how good I feel). Its like I had no feelings. I din't feel emotion about anything and I knew when I drink I actually feel something, usually happiness for the first few days, I feel more confident etc... then it turns into complete guilt/disgust.

So I guess my problem like most is not thoughts of maybe its different this time, one won't hurt or im not an alcoholic... I need to concentrate on how to keep an elevated mood/feeling things and do this by practising more mindfulness.

p.s when I said before the posts were negative, I meant mine, no one else! I appreciate everyones response even tho some of it is just impossible unfortunately