3 years sober and I slipped
 

I've been lurking this forum for years, all the stories helped me early on. But I made a mistake. After 3 years, all I still want to do is fit in. I went to a friends little get together last weekend and had one beer when it was handed to me. I thought, "what the hell, I've been good". There wasn't really any pressure, I just wanted to fit in again. A week later later (Friday) I was given a six pack of beer by my boss for all the hard work I did. Once again, I thought "what the hell, I deserve it" so I drank it. Day after that, I bought one pint at the supermarket thinking "it's only one beer". Now it's memorial day, and I bought another six pack, because it was a holiday. I feel so stupid, yet tomorrow that urge of "well it's monday" and then a few days/weeks go by and I'll be drinking a 12 pack of bud ice just to get drunk again, waking up feeling terrible. I do NOT want to go back to that. In fact, I can't! And of course there's this little part of me that thinks I can still drink in moderation.

I don't know anyone that is also a non-drinker, I guess this was bound to happen.

Any advice or scoldings would be appreciated.

First I'm sorry that you stumbled but you haven't fallen yet. You caught yourself on the way down. Just throw a couple of band aids on those boo boos and shake it off. In other words. You know the inevitable outcome and know what you have to do. Don't wait too long. There's no need to start over if it hasn't really ended. Dust yourself off. Focus. You've got this.

Hi soberme :)

No scoldings here :)

It's natural to want to fit in - I started drinking for the same reason... but when I look back at my drinking and the man I'd become from my drinking, the irony was I still didn't fit in anywhere.

I was lonely, I was angry, I was wasting my potential and damaging my health.

Being sober has allowed me to find my real place in life - I have good friends who accept the real me. I have a sense of purpose. I feel good about myself.

I had to make quite a few changes in my life to get here, but I feel good about that too.

Whats been holding you back for making changes do you think?

D

Schmidt happens Soberme, Just get back on the Horse and ride.

Three years is such a great accomplishment, cherish it for what it is and now just get back at it. You'll be ok.

Please don't slide down that slippery slope. You had three years, keep it going. Do whatever you need to do to get back on track......you CAN do it!!!

We all have that little voice that says "C'mon it's only one drink" or "I've been good so why not" or the ever popular " I deserve it."
That little voice only makes me stronger, because I am determined that it will NOT beat me.

Day 197.

Hey, just "Do the next right thing" and get back to the meetings and get back on track. You know how to work it. Don't let the addiction take away your miracle.

Thank you all for the encouraging words :)

"Whats been holding you back for making changes do you think?"

This is a good question. Ever since I quit, I've been trying to find some purpose. Just anything that truly made me happy or that I was passionate about. I've built such a huge wall around myself that nothing gets in or out. And because of that I just live, and nothing else. That one beer brought me out, if only for an hour. I was happy I was enjoying life like a 'normal' person.

It's stupid, but I have a hard time accepting this is who I am. Or at least, who I need to be to have a better life. So I fight it.

I've heard the term "dry drunk" over the years, and I think I'm starting to understand that this is what I am. I just need a way to overcome it.

Relying on beer to 'bring us out' is what got most of us into trouble tho.
It never stops at just one beer.

I found it didn't really bring the real me out at all anyway - it just created a false me - a me who I loathed the more I drank and the drunker I got.

I think after 3 years if you're still trying to fit in, and the only option you have is to drink to do that, you need more options....

I found myself by getting out of my own way - getting out of my own head.

Volunteering was really good for me - it reconnected me with others, it was useful, gave me some purpose and it reminded me that my problems weren't actually too bad :)

Once I had a sound idea of who I was, I found I needed other peoples validation far less.

You might find another way, but the whole idea of breaking down that wall you speak of is worth thinking about, I think :)

D

Hi Soberme,

I was sober for 7 years and "slipped". I didn't make it back for 8 years, so it's good that you caught it early. I personally find that some type of recovery program helps me because it makes me look deeper at my problems than just the alcohol.

I guess this was bound to happen.
Welcome back soberme-did u fortell u're own downfall by using these words? I'm not scolding you, just trying to undstd u're thot process. As far as dry drunk, I was that for several mths after getting sober until I realized I'm not supposed to live that way(pg86 big bk) plus now Alanon has taken me to a whole nother level of how to respond to people & detach where needed. Still have some areas that need work on so I'm a work in progress
I feel bad for u that u had that much insurance under u're belt then gave it up but the good thing is that it teaches me & the hundreds who read u're post that this is truly a 1 day @ a time process
Thanks for letting us know & don't quit

Welcome Soberme. At least you are catching it early. And there is a lot that can be learned from a relapse. (I drank again after many years sober.) You can take small steps to find what you are passionate about and find other options for feeling 'normal' and happy.

Soberme I think you’re doing exactly what you need to do at this point.

1 You’re slammin on the breaks to your drinking before it gets real bad.
2 You’re reaching out to get input from others rather than isolating as you have been doing.
3 You sound to me like you are being honest (with yourself and others).

That’s really a great start. Just one suggestion from me. Try to find some face to face support ASAP. I have a feeling it may be hard for you to seek out but that it will turn be really good for you in the long run. All the best to you going forward.

H i Soberme, welcome! And congratulations in being so forth right and asking for direction. That is very impressive.

I too was very focused on "I don't fit in because i dont drink" as a mantra in my head particularly around family, work, and having to date at midlife.

Then one day at a gathering it dawned on me: This feeling of "not fitting in" had nothing to do with not drinking!

In fact, I thought, I'd had that "I don't fit in with the rest of them" feeling loooong before I ever drank. It dawned on me that I was putting the cart before the horse. Could it be I had feelings of not fitting in period? Not because I was a non drinker? And perhaps I hadn't noticed it before until I quit drinking and became more self awars of my thoughts and feelings?

This was a huge insight for me and gave me a lot to work with on myself and work through. I did have many issues leading to that belief about myself, long before addiction. In fact another reason I drank was to quiet that voice .

It showed me that my addiction's voice was using this "I don't fit in" way of seeing myself (which pre existed it) as a weapon to confuse and lure me to a road of relapse.

I am still working through this false belief about myself. But working it through is changing my life.

I hope this helps.

dont let your slip be the start of another descent into hell

I understand this. I am the same way. My issues are trust. I did not trust anyone enough to start letting that wall down. I thought they protected me from getting hurt but they were really stopping me from getting help.

I finally reached over my wall and asked for help. That was my first step. I am learning now to accept that help and to trust the help I am offered. It still comes down to me doing the work. Many people have built the bridge but I have to walk across it.

What kind of plan, if any, do you have to remain sober at this point?

Fit in ? Think id rather be out than in with the masses drinking :)

Jason vale book really changed my mindset on how to look at this drug.

God luck on getting back out, for good.

I wanted to fit in by drinking, too. But because of the way I drank, they soon didn't want me around. I never found a way to control it; the way I drink is just a fact.

Ultimately, drinking simply makes me miserable and that's not something I want.

Soberme,

Thank you for sharing your experience!

I know that this could be me. I have a little more than 6 months and at times I have had "fantasies" about relapsing. So, reading about how it happened for you helps me stay on the "right road".

The bottom line, for me, is that I know I don't drink like "normal" people. I always drank in order to get totally sloshed. And if I do it one time, then the beast in me takes over and screams for MOOOOOOOOORE.

If all else fails, I go to bed early and usually there are no huge consequences to that. ;)

Yea,if you are still hanging out with all of your old friends,that makes it really tough. I have old friends where all we did was drink. I have been sober 4 years. But still when I see them. That is what I think about,because that is all we ever really had in common. (BEER!)
It's hard to make new friends,and even harder to make new friends that don't drink. (if you really look,people that seldom drink are all over). But it can be done.
I hope you get back on the horse though before he runs away. The longer you go the harder it gets.
I wish you the best.....
Fred