bigsombrero

There are some upcoming scenarios in my life involving money, work, and living situations - three big triggers for me. I have not relapsed but alcohol has not been far from my mind. Lots of unknowns and uncertainty has awoken a beast in me.

Signs started earlier this week when I was out visiting some small villages for work. I stopped at an old cathedral, which is open to the public, and I was taking some pictures in the courtyard. This very common, but for some reason the gardener took offense to me. Something clicked inside me, like a switch: I walked up to him and said, "do you want to fight right here in the church, buddy?" - of course he backed off, but part of me wanted to smack that *******. Over the past 10 years as an worsening alcoholic I have often sought out violence. I felt terrible later, as you can imagine - but I was still angry at HIM - I hadn't yet seen that the real assh*le in that situation was ME.

Yesterday I was walking down an unfamiliar street and saw a bar. I'd never seen it before. My inner voice said "hmmmm. what's this?" - the time was around 11am. I peered in for a while, I saw the bar, the chairs, the clean smell of the hardwood floors. I thought about a beer. I started examining how many I could drink. I started thinking about where I could get it. It was in my head all day long.

Luckily for me I had a random encounter this morning. I was going for coffee and ran into another American woman in the park. It was 7:00am. She asked me if I could escort her to get a pair of shoes back from a cobbler; she was convinced he'd robbed her. She told me to pretend I was from the American Embassy and say I was there on official business. I should pretend to be with the US State Department and threaten arrest. She was yelling, I was trying to walk away but she was running after me!

WTF??? Listen lady, I'm not sure what's going on in your brain, but I'm not going into some tiny shoe-shop in Central America and start bellowing at some small-time cobbler! What planet are we on?

And that's what shocked me back into reality. After I calmed this woman down, I realized that I needed to work on myself too - get back to reality. To start accepting the things I cannot change. To let go and let god, whatever I'm not religious but you catch my drift. Things are okay now, I took a nap for the first time in ages, feel rested and relaxed. I stepped back and the world stepped forward. I will be okay. I will have to be careful and recognize the signs. I even found other signs that I did not recognize before, as there were small things preceding this week's events that I now see were signs of trouble. I feel better for writing this, thanks for reading if you made it all the way through.

Sudz No More

Nice job sombrero, let's just keep on working at it.

GroundhogDay

Sounds like the situations that you are facing involve fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. I can see why they would be triggers.

More and more I realize that my health is the absolute starting point for everything else.

Dee74

Hope you've found your emotional level again, BigS.

The really good thing is you're aware of how you feel, now you can start to work out what to do about it

D

1newcreation

That's some really cool stuff!
I loved where u said u cot u'reself b4 doing or saying smthg u might regret later; that's exactly what I'm working on!
U just completed my day!! Wooohoo
Thanks man

deeker

Big Sombrero- Anytime I got sober in the past for any significant amount of time. When I relapsed , when I looked back the thoughts were there at least 3 weeks to a month before. I am so relieved that you came in here before you let those thoughts go on any further in your mind. But you came very close today and that is pretty scarey. I look at it like this where there's smoke there's fire.

A pub to me is smoke and if I walk in it's fire. I wouldn't be caught dead alone in a pub today. Cuz I know how cunning and baffling this addiction can be and it just takes that one decision to mess it all up. The first bad decision would have been to walk into a pub for me. When I am curious I am in trouble.

I was at my Son's all day and he has booze all over, he has college roomates and there is Grey Goose bottles looking all pretty arranged at a nice bar. It didn't bother me one bit. But ya know what ? When I go into someone elses house and use their bathroom I have this sick old addict behavior of peaking in their medicine cabinet.( for pills) When that happens I have to stop in my tracks and get to a phone and call my sponsor. Did I do it tonight? No! I would have let it slip by if I didn't read your post, and a relapse would have already been in the process in my mind.

Cuz this illness is telling me it's not that serious.

So since my sponsor is not home I am telling you all. Cuz that little secret will keep me sick. Thanks BigSombrero!

bigsombrero

Thanks guys. I've been putting my brain and my body through the wringer lately. I think a nice big breakfast and an easy morning hike up the mountain side will be a good start tomorrow. Good night all.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks for sharing sombrero. It's good to get it off your chest.

FeenixxRising

Glad you worked through it Big.

Jeni26

Great post. At times when I've felt close to relapse it has helped me to mentally 'retrace my steps'...to go back and uncover where it all started in my mind and it is often much further back than I originally thought. Sometimes it is a collection of little things that throw me off balance rather than 1 big event.

Great you're thinking it all through, and posting about it x

Johno1967

Yeah Sombrero have days like those. Some weeks go past where I can seem to take everything like water off a ducks back. No sweat, other weeks I struggle to keep my irritation at bay and take offense at any perceived slight. I become hypersensitive and have to check myself before my mouth shoots off. Generally I take refuge in my HP and do a spot check of where I'm going wrong. Guess I'm still learning the true meaning of "choosing how to respond" and "letting things go". I can recite the serenity prayer but I don't think the message has settled in. Progress not perfection, the tide comes in and the tide goes out. I sort of view these days as little tests of faith and courage. Small challenges are like light weights, enough repetition and you build big muscles. Just watch out for HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) moments when I'm feeling raw and the notion of beer comes into my head. Each time I get over it, its another win. Right now I'm at a point where I feel like chucking my job in. I know that would be a mistake so I take faith and try to smile inwardly.

sugarbear1

bring a pad of paper and pen and write a journal....amazing what words can come out of us....

take a break from your hike, sit in nature and write....

Stay strong and stay stopped! Remember how bad it can get. We can't drink or romanticize the alcohol....

Fandy

I was fearful to read this thread, but i'm glad you are ok...everyone knows the embassy goes after the shoemakers, lol.

caboblanco

Sometimes I'm so embarrased of American tourists when I go on a trip somewhere. I love central America and I plan to revisit there soon. I wish I could live there like you bigsombrero. How exciting!

ivegotsunshine

Hi BigSombrero! Glad to see you are on your way to living out your dreams! You should be so proud of yourself and what you are doing. You really are making a difference out there! Just remember, you weren't able to do that before when you were drinking! Keep up your good work. Be well and take more naps!

Threshold

awesome!

neither drinking nor panic help any situation.

Hike on!

bigsombrero

Thanks again - I'd say I'm far from having this figured out, but I have been able to step back and asses my actions. Basically I've identified that there is a problem, now I can start pursuing a more positive mental approach in regards to finding a solution.

I went to breakfast this morning and met a guy from Brazil, I would have normally kept my head down, but I accepted his invite to chat and we had a great conversation. We talked about how to become more grounded, how to see the big picture, and how to approach life's difficulties. Turns out he's an international self-help guru who specializes in helping troubled people all over the globe.

Amazing, how I randomly met such a wise man, the morning after I came to terms with my issues. I am now facebook friends with the guy and he's promised to keep in touch and exchange ideas. It's a good lesson for me - stay open, stay humble, and try and find inner peace, and good things WILL happen.

Thanks all for the support!

Caldus

bigsombrero,

Nice post. I can relate very well. I've been in situations lately where I find myself calculating the consequences of punching someone in the face vs. the feeling I would 'get' from doing so. These types of situations make me remember what alcoholism is really about -- the drinking was only a symptom of a bigger problem going on inside of us.

I was curious about the last part of your post where you talk about letting things go and giving it to 'God' or whatever it is out there. I remember you saying that at one point you were trying out AA meetings but then decided it wasn't for you. I respect your decision to not be a part of the fellowship but a lot of the things you write on here sound like someone who could really benefit from the 12 steps of AA. So all I'm saying is maybe give AA another look and maybe even pop into a meeting. You don't have to be a part of it at first. Just listen to what people say in there and you'll start to realize the similarities to the posts you're writing on here. I'm not sure what AA meetings they have going on in Guatemala but I'm sure they have something somewhere.

AA or no AA, you are starting to understand that you have something going on inside of you even once you put down that drink. You are spiritually depleted. There is no God or some source of life (we don't even have to call it 'God' really) other than a drink. That's the only reason I even bring up AA -- you just sound like someone who could really benefit from it. Believe me, I still find myself in that dark place sometimes like you were experiencing and I know for sure that without AA or some other program I would be right back out there drinking again. This disease is tricky and sneaky and it will pull all kinds of fast ones to get you back to that drink again if you aren't proactive in your recovery. Take care and hope you figure out something that works for you!

bigsombrero

Thanks, ironically between my last post and seeing yours, I'd looked up an English-language AA group and found one here in town. They meet Mondays and Thursdays. I am a bit nervous about going tomorrow, but I think that means I probably should. It's likely a small group, I have not gone to a small group meeting in a long time. The AA group in Chicago I went to was HUGE - which made it easy to get out of there after it was over without getting too personal or involved.

I have definitely said AA isn't for me. But I'm not arrogant enough believe it matters - when I was in early recovery going to AA was very helpful to me and I think anyone who is "on the brink" has nothing to lose by going - until there are more options readily available, AA will continue to be the only widespread choice, and it's better than a poke in the eye.

Thanks for your post, I am encouraged that my instincts to check into an AA meeting are shared by others here. I am glad you were thoughtful enough to recommend it.

hypochondriac

I don't think there is too much you need to figure out here bigsombrero. You have been acting on instinct which is only natural. Now it's just a matter of changing your instincts which is the long term project. I think you did well to identify actions or thoughts that are damaging, that's half the battle. Most of the time they are so instinctive that we don't see what is wrong with them but you seem to have that cracked. I know I have had many times when I have used my anger as a justification for drinking but have somehow managed to wind myself up out of all proportion. A facilitator at a meeting I was at recently said he thought there's be a lot less addicted people if we were all taught how to handle anger properly. I think he has a point. Frustration seems to be a massive trigger for me anyway. Part of that whole letting go thing I guess. And I can really relate to your fascination with the bar. A colleague of me brought back a bottle of some sort of spirit from Korea. Now I know I am not going to be drinking any of it but it frustrates me immensely that no one has even broken the seal, just to see what it smells like. No one else seems interested. But me, the tee totaller is being driven mad by an unopen bottle of booze I will never drink. Seems nuts to me.