AtlantaAlcy

I'm pushing my 6th month starting June, and a friend of mine who has been somewhat inspirational is over 300 days. We were text-talking today, he has made a lot of changes for the better; he runs a lot, eats better, and of course doesn't drink. He told me he was thinking about drinking again. He has bought the alcohol and it's sitting on his shelf. I asked him why. He said he was bored with life. I asked, don't you remember how awful it was to feel beat down all the time, sick, tired, etc.? He said, "No, in fact I remember it being great."

What should I say? I asked why he was bored with life, it's his life/work situation. I offered to try to get him a job at my place but who knows what that will do. He has a LOT of technical skills (programmer for over 25 years) and could easily find a better job, but he gets very complacent.

I feel like I let him down because I didn't know what to say. I want to bring it up to him again and try to convince him to not do it. I know it's his life, he can't change if he doesn't want to, etc., but I at least want to try. Suggestions? How should I do this?

LadyinBC

You didn't let him down, he let himself down. If someone is determined to go down the road again, there is no stopping them.

The key word is "complacent". This is the downfall for many who relapse. As much as you want to help this person, they have to help themselves first. You don't want this person working with you, unfortunately if something goes wrong it will be a reflection on you. Not saying it is right, just the way it is sometimes. Keep your private life and work life totally seperate. Just my opinion.

LadyinBC

And congrats on coming up to 6 months! That's awesome!

Dee74

I gave up trying to figure out what to say - all I can share is my experience.

My life got better because I wasn't drinking.
Abstinence is not equivalent to control.

If my life is not all it should be then I need to figure out why, and figure out healthy positive ways to make that happen.

If all I can remember about drinking is it was great them I really need to think some more, and I'd know I need some help.

In the end tho Atlanta - it's not your responsibility whether your friend drinks or not. That's too much responsibility for anyone.

Congrats to you on your 6 months
D

Nevertheless

Kind of odd to me,to buy it and sit it on a shelf. While I always knew deep down when I was about to fall off the wagon. I never wasted any time once I walked in the store and made the purchase. I was always drunk within the next hour or two.
Perhaps he is waiting for someone to talk him out of it. You know him better than anyone here. But I would remind him of why he quit in the first place.
Tell him when it comes to booze,our rememberers are broken. But our forgetters work very well.
Fred

bigsombrero

I dont' know what to tell you. But I can share an experience that happened to me recently: A buddy of mine from treatment called me up. We had bonded, we were pals through thick and thin and we were going to beat this thing. Well he told me, just like your friend, saying he was thinking about starting to drink. I did my best to talk him out of it - said all the right things. He called me up 2 days later drunk as a skunk. He did it again a week later.

Now I really don't get calls from him because I blocked his number. There's nothing you can say or do - this is not your cross to bear. You can be supportive, but there's no magic words you can say that will fix this. Tell him not to, tell him to remember the good sober times, etc - but if he wants to drink, he will. The only thing you can do is set boundaries and say that if he drinks, you will not talk to him. Otherwise let this be a lesson to you - relapse can happen to anyone, anytime. Use his relapse as reinforcement of that fact.

On a somewhat related note, there was a hard-core AA guy down in Costa Rica that I used to hang with for a few months. He told me: "Every time an old buddy falls off the wagon, I do a little dance! That means my odds of staying sober just went up!" -- that's a pretty harsh way to think about it. But the core meaning of that statement is: "You can't control what others do. Finish what's on your own plate and move on".

When p

honeypig

Hmm, have you considered going to a couple of Alanon meetings? I'm an Alanon person myself and it sure sounds to me like you're in the same spot as we find/found ourselves.....I think you could get some good experience, hope and strength from that.

Alanon being for those who are affected by a friend or family member's drinking--seems to me you could qualify, and I have certainly met any number of A's at Alanon meetings.

LadyinBC

You know Honeypig this is a very good point. I come from a family of alcoholics and it probably wouldn't hurt me to go to some Al-anon meetings. I just get so caught up in me being an alcoholic that I forget at one time someones drinking affected me too.

Knudsen

Dunno if you can use this, but I'm in a rehab program 12 hours/week. Once a week we prepare an exercise and present it to the others. The 2 I've been through were really good.

First one is draw a big 2x2 matrix (4 squares total). The top row is positive consequences, the bottom one is negative consequences. Left column is drinking, and right is soberness. It takes quite some time and thinking to fill the squares out. We all have had the most points in the top right "positive consequences of soberness" (of course).

The second one is writing your history with alcohol on a time line (just an arrow from left to right, starting with birth and ending with now), along with the bigger things happening in life. I guess most will find that alcoholism is progressive (of course), and that things never got better when drinking, when looked in the broader perspective.

Its just an idea, but maybe you can make him do the excercises. Maybe he will come back to reality, and see its not the best route. If he still wants to drink, I guess they at least make him realise where he is going and yet he still wants to go there. Nothing more you can do I guess.

honeypig

I have heard the name "double winners" used for folks in your situation, Lady, and as I say, there are a number of people who qualify for both AA and Alanon in the forums here and in the f2f meetings I attend. I like attending the open AA/Alanon meetings as it's definitely useful for me to get as broad a perspective as I can.

Hope it helps!

sugarbear1

Call him on the phone or go and talk with him in person at a non-alcohol place like the mall or a coffee shop.

fini

AtlantaAlcy,
i'm thinking that those who say they're 'considering' drinking again, or are 'thinking of drinking again are in fact not really considering or thinking.
the thinking and considering is what i did after my emotions, my feelings of needing something, went haywire and the thinking was to try and make sense of the irrational stuff that was the real thing going on underneath.

this is why ultimately the reasoning didn't work.
because the pull underneath is not rational.
there is no real "considering" in that sense.

i'm thinking that's why whatever you say or don't doesn't "work": because that's not where it's really at.

Db1105

In my 35 years of sobriety no three words can better describe this addiction as " cunning, baffling, and powerful". The only person I can convince to not pick up that first drink is me. I can only share my experience, strength, and hope, and then it is in the hands of my Higher Power.