gunther84

Hello everyone. I currently have 31 days sober. I was previously sober for seven years, and at that time I had a moment of clarity, epiphany, spiritual experience and the compulsion to drink was lifted from me. I remained sober with the help of AA. Unfortunately, I stopped working the program and forgot how bad it could be and drank again. As so often happens, I picked up where I left off and I was once again a slave to alcohol.

I once again proved I can not drink. I have that allergy that become more acute when I drink, and all I want to do is drink more. I know I cant do it, but Im worried that with out that moment of clarity I will not be able to stay sober. I understand I am powerless over alcohol and my life will become unmanageable, but Im worried that knowledge of this fact is not enough. I am fearful I will have to hit a terrible bottom before I get it. Do I have to completely hit bottom to get it? Can I have that moment of clarity through working the steps? Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

ElegantlyWasted

Hey Gunther. I think right now my abstinence is fear and reason based. The more spiritual stuff clicked for me last time after a couple of months. As for the hard bottom thing; I really don't want to have one. My head is starting to clear after about a month and am considering doing AA again as well. Maybe just keep it simple; I know signing the 24 hour commitment thread really really helps me. As to the Spiritual Awakening per AA circles, I personally think is just the result of living a better life, whether its precipitated by working the 12 steps, some other program, or just getting into good habits somehow. I hope this helps. I do know I don't have all the answers and I'm increasingly comfortable with that. My condolences re: your Father in Law as well...

bigsombrero

Hi -

In case you're interested, there's a 12-step section of this board that deals specifically with AA and the steps. Folks there are helpful.

I am just 11 months sober and when you said "moment of clarity" I could totally relate. I think it was during my 5th or 6th month when I became intensely aware of the natural world, my surroundings, the beauty of earth and it's place in the cosmos, etc. It was very powerful, and it helped me. Was your "clarity" moment like that? What kind of clarity did you experience?

I can't say if you'll ever get it back, or not. But I am pretty sure your sober 7 years were much better than your drinking days - am I right? Isn't that enough? Why do you need an epiphany?

I wonder if you're just searching for a "high" of some kind and you're searching for a way to enjoy feeling buzzed while sober...?

gunther84

Hello bigsombrero, thanks for replying. My previous moment of clarity was like this....I was a daily drinker and would often go on binges that were beginning to last longer and longer. My life was a wreck, and my health was beginning to suffer. I was just coming off a two week bender...sick, withdrawals, depression when I had the thought, "If I dont drink, I will never feel like this again"....it was such a obvious thing give my state, but it never occurred to me. It was like a light went off in my head, and I felt a serenity I had not known before. I began going to AA almost immediately and the compulsion to drink was pretty much removed right off the bat.

Im not searching for a high or a buzz, Im just worried that I have not completely hit the same level of desperation as I did before and therefore my sobriety will not last. I used to feel badly for those in the rooms who seemed to struggle and now I feel like one of them.

All that said I don't feel like I am going to drink today. I have a pretty good foundation right now...family support, a good sponsor, and a willingness to do what people suggest to me....and this forum which I really enjoy using and reading.

doggonecarl

I too had that moment of clarity where I saw my drinking in a new light, with the veil of denial lifted...I clearly saw, like a revelation, where I was headed if I kept drinking. But it didn't take away my complusion to drink. It just led me to acceptance of my problem and the committment to do whatever possible to get and stay sober.

Maybe we only get one "moment" so to speak. You've had yours. You don't need another one to tell you that you are an alcoholic, so I'm not sure what your expectations are for that "moment of clarity," but nothing replaces the hard work of recovery.

But what do I know.

One other thing about my epiphany, I attribute it to my higher power. What's your connection with your HP? Maybe you could pray for a glimpse of that clarity.

tomsteve

" I understand I am powerless over alcohol and my life will become unmanageable, but Im worried that knowledge of this fact is not enough"

thats why theres 11 more steps

GracieLou

This was me too but my desire to drink was gone too. I can't explain it, it is just gone.