Ellie80

Was it difficult to form an attachment? Did you resent them bc of how they felt about your use? When you were using, did you really understand how much it affected your kids...and if not, at what point did u realize?

GracieLou

I was always attached to my children. They are my children. I did have a hard time being close with them. As they got older this became easier. I can relate to them better now that they are grown up and both are working and living on their own. It is almost like now we have something to talk about.


They never made any comments about how I drank or that I was drinking. I always drank so I think they felt is was the normal.

There was only one time when I felt my mother was becoming a hoarder. I still think she is but she lives with me now so she can't really hoard but that is another issue. Anyways my mother and I got in an argument and I told her that I thought she was a hoarder. My daughter later was angry at me for it and told me you can't just come out and say that and I said why not? So the said fine your an alcoholic and I said Yes, I know that. That pretty much ended the argument. Maybe she was shocked I admitted it. I do not resent it.

No, I did/do not. I drank since they were born other than for 5 months when I quit in 2003. They have only known me drinking.

I know at some point I need to make amends to them.

Right now I have a pretty good relationship with both.

Black Bird

I was always attached to my children. When I was a problem drinker, we would have fun, dance, sing, laugh. When I became an alcoholic I turned into, an I love you, now go away type of mom. One of tje many reasons I said enough! At the time, I didn't think it was affecting them. As it got to the end, my son was disrespecting me, my daughter said some things that made me think, and my other daughter would talk back to me all the time. Now that I don't drink, I see it affected them very much. I think they felt something was wrong, but just didn't know what.
I have changed so much in these days, and so has my relationship with my kids. My son has totally changed towards me. And my sassy daughter, well she is still a little sassy pants. Lol But now instead of ignoring it like before. I now teach her that behavior is unacceptable. We are getting closer as the soberdays go on. Thanks for asking this question. A powerful reminder that I never want to go back. And I will not drink today!

seahorse661

I resented the fact that I had to spend time cooking, doing homework etc. when all I wanted to do was spend my time drinking.
I did realise it affected my daughter but only now that I'm sober do I realise how much. I am a much stricter (better, more rational, emotionally available) mom sober and I am having to slowly put boundries in place.

ams0602

I do not have children but in addition to being an alcoholic, my mother is too. Now, she did not raise me so we were far more distant than you and your kids... But I thought I'd throw it out there that when the time feels right for you, maybe start a conversation with them specifically about the drinking issue. I have resentments that I don't feel comfortable bringing up with her b/c I feel like she'd freak out and be so upset. I'd rather it be on her terms. Children of alcoholics... We sometimes keep a lot of that stuff bottled up b/c it's uncomfortable and taboo.

I don't know if I even addressed your questions, lol. Just thought I'd throw it out there though :-)

Pondlady

My children were adults when I began drinking. I regret being emotionally distant, as I'd prefer to drink than talk on the phone, or visit. There are still times I don't want to talk on the phone or visit....but not because I'm drinking

jennikate

I wouldn't exactly say detached but definitely acrimonious. There was a lot of anger and disappointment on their part (deservedly). On my part, I did resent their intrusion into my drinking plans. It's been almost a year and I'd say we're still healing and , of course, some things can never be healed. I try not to dwell too much on it. I can't go back in time and take it away. I have made my amends to them and every day living sober is an amends.

Ellie80

I am a child of an alcoholic & my father is in rehab right now. I am in al-anon and individual therapy. Lately i am so pissed & i wonder if my father and any other addict/alcoholic for that matter realize the pure hell children of alcoholics go through.

jennikate

Probably not. But I don't think a nonalcoholic can understand the misery of being an alcoholic. There are many times that I would have rather died than go through another day. I also believed that might have been easier for my family. Now that I am in recovery I can see how much damage I caused.

ams0602

You certainly have the right to be pissed. I was very pissed with my mom for years - with her drinking (and I didn't find out until much later, her pill use) and her irresponsibility towards life. She wasn't abusive or anything. Just not present. Sometimes, on the rare occasions she'd see me, she'd call with an excuse and I'd cry my little eyes out.

But as an alcoholic, myself... I understand where she's coming from far better. I'm not angry anymore though there are resentments. Mostly I worry about her. And I do think that some addicts - maybe more than we know - know that they are putting their kids through hell. And I would imagine that for many, it ends up being another huge chunk of guilt in their life that fuels the addiction.

Sorry to get sort of off-topic from the OP.