babycat

So, I am still figuring my own journey out as far as sobriety goes. I really wanted and hoped to like AA but the fact remains that after several tries over the last few years, I still don't get it. I just don't.
I could sort of see the first few steps, but once I worked the forth and fifth steps, I just can't get it.
These are not reasons why I like to drink! Is that what they are supposed to be? Cuz I don't fit in that way. So I am pissed about some **** that happened when I was 14, I write it down and now I no longer want to drink? Not so for me..
I am a happy person. I hate that I drink and I am glad that I have been sober for awhile now. I want to be healthy
But, how are these steps supposed to make drinking less fun or desirable?
I am not trying to start anything with AA people at all. I have much respect for them. I just don't see how it works.

DAB

The first three steps help to get you sober, the rest of the steps help to keep you sober.
The fourth step is supposed to help you understand yourself better and to see the things which are blocking you from your higher power.

DAB

I get what you are saying though. I don't think I drank and used for any of those reasons either, I just liked to party! I just thought pot made everything that much more enjoyable, and drinking made pot more enjoyable. The fourth step did show me how self centered my thinking was. All I can tell you is that I work the steps and I am still clean an sober. My other attempts at sobriety have not lasted nearly as long.
The time that they did last I was a bitter (dry drunk) etc. This time I enjoy my sobriety and I am grateful for it. I sincerely enjoy my life now more than ever.

babycat

There in lies the problem for me. I have written so many extensive number fours, and I mean I am SCROUNGING for things to be holding onto.
I write stuff down and realize I have a a whole lot of first world problems. My life, in actuality, rocks.
I guess, if this is not too personal for you, what was it, that, upon reading your resentments, made you want to not drink?

babycat

I hope and want to get to that point in my life .

Sally3127

Great topic. I'm struggling with the steps too. I'm on Step 4.

DAB

I think you are over analyzing. For me, being able to let go of my resentments and realizing that I played a part in all of them.
It helped me understand the extent of my self centeredness.
It led me down a path of working on being a kind, thoughtful, loving man.

wanttobepure

I don't attend AA for various reasons. I've been using self-directed cognitive-behavioral therapy as an alternative way to look into my "issues."

Here is a general article from the web site THE FIX that directed me to CBT as an alternative to doing the 12 steps - CBT and the 12 Steps Have a Lot in Common | The Fix

I'm using THE FEELING GOOD HANDBOOK by David D. Burns as a CBT guide. I've found the handbook very informative and useful.

tomsteve

i didnt "get" the steps. they got me.

" So I am pissed about some **** that happened when I was 14, I write it down and now I no longer want to drink?"
no. youll find out the causes and conditions behind it all, find out what makes you tick.
i would highly suggest a sponsor.

tomsteve

"But, how are these steps supposed to make drinking less fun or desirable? "
they dont. they teach us how to live one day at a time without drinking.

sugarbear1

doesn't sound like you've worked steps 4 and 5.

it's a moral inventory (what's bothering me today?)--we learn how we behave--our patterns of behavior.

for me, I learned so much and my entire perspective on life has changed for the better; I am no longer anxious or fearful and I am okay in my own skin.

relief, freedom, serenity. no need to numb myself/my feelings at all.

Joe Nerv

I don't think the point of writing your resentments is to give freedom from the desire to drink. I think it's a small part of the much bigger whole.

For me, going through the steps was like a personality makeover. It didn't happen overnight though. Time and experiences would bring me to subtle changes that just kinda kept on adding up. My participation in AA and continued adherence to the steps got me to a point where my life sober was light years away from my life drinking. I eventually stopped glamoruizing what a drinking life was like. I have no desire to drink for years now.

I think if we really apply ourselves to the ideas in the steps, we change and get better despite ourselves. The 3rd, 6th and 7th for me were the easiest yet most powerful steps. I immediately turned my life and will over to God, first time I ever read the steps. By the time I got to the 6th and 7th I was ready to give ever corner of my being over. Was probably a little easier for me cuz my life wasn't so great, and pain is a great motivator. Could be even better for you cuz you're starting out in a much better position. Anyhow, by step 6, I was completely willing to have my HP do with me whatever it wanted, and I found out that the willingness was all that was necessary. I asked (often begged) that my shortcomings be removed, and slowly but surely things that used to drag me down started to quite literally evaporate out of my life. Again though, it took time. Years. Some quick examples; I was completely dependent on my parents, with no clue or plan of how that would end. At 5 years sober a friend of mine wanted to have a test go at living in another state and subletted me his fully furnished apartment at a ridiculously low rent. Got out of my parents house finally and was living on my own. Found out I could hold down a real job. Being a chronically late if even present kind of dude, I needed to get on my knees every night before bed for a few months to be able to get my ass to work the next morning. On time. I haven't been late in close to 20 years. I couldn't quit smoking after 1000s of attempts. I quit quitting and one day somehow went an entire day without a cigarette. Was so astounded that I went 1 day (I smoked 2 1/2 -3 packs a day) that I was determined to make another... they kept adding up, and I've been smoke free also for almost 20 years. Like most guys I enjoyed being with women, very much. And more than one. Honestly didn't think that could/would ever change. I'm now happily married and with the same woman for 17 years. My ideas of fun have changed dramatically. I spend time in clubs because I'm a musician, but I have 0 desire to hang out in one, or be with people getting drunk. I've traveled to tons of places since getting sober though, love going on cruises, and will be heading to Rome, Venice, and parts of Greece next month. I enjoy going out to eat, excercising, bike riding... things I had 0 interest in when drinking.

I didn't plan any of the above. I didn't have any desire to do or be anything when I got sober. Didn't even want to stop drinking. I only wanted to not feel how I was feeling. Desperately. And I embraced everything about AA and the steps. Didn't question all that much either, till later in sobriety. Anyhow, for some the desire to drink leaves immediately. For others it takes time. I fall into the latter category. I think the thing is to be really patient, and be grateful for the little changes. In time they really add up.

If you're interested in what I found to be a really helpful book on the steps check out Steps to Happiness by Joe Klass (real cheap on Amazon). My sponsor worshipped that book when I initially went through the steps, and I think Joe presents them in a really simple yet profound way. His take on the application of them has become my foundation for sobriety and life. And I don't think they're at all out of line with anything suggested or recommended in the AA literature.

Justfor1

Step 2 helps me because it is about hope. Step 1 is about feeling hopeless & admitting that your life is messed up. Step 2 tells you that there is a solution. I firmly believe that a God of my understanding is my only hope for sobriety. As nice as the folks in AA are it has never stopped me from picking up a drink.

babycat

I had a sponsor and I LOVED her. Still did not help. I felt bad about it too, cuz she could not have been a better sponsor.

Threshold

Drinking had stopped being fun or desirable before I got into 12 steps. If it was still fun I probably wouldn't have bothered trying to stop.

I don't get how it works either. I mean I don't understand all the psychology of it etc. I was in therapy for 13 years and it hadn't "fixed" me...but working the steps is allowing me to live free of addiction and feel good in my skin.

Here is what I think. The human brain is wired a certain way. The 12 steps operate somehow in conjunction with the way the brain is wired, with our evolved human psychology. Because of this, they work for many people who follow them. It's the commonality of human psychology.

But there are people who, for various reasons, find they can't work the steps or when they do, it doesn't help them. There are variations in people's psychology and some need other programs, etc.

I had a lot of crap happen to me when I was a infant, kid, adolescent. It was killing me for decades. Somehow, and I can't explain it, working the steps has allowed me to let it go and move on. No one was more surprised than me!

I expect that what the 12 steps do is utilize, exercise and develop some part of our brain that can help us overcome our past and face life. I am not sure how they do it, but that is my theory for how it works.

I was very analytical of the steps for a long time, and had many many reservations, but then I looked at it this way...working them wasn't going to hurt me, they help a lot of people, so I gave it a real honest try, and it's working for me.

There is a way to get and stay sober for you. If not 12 step, lots of other ways. Just hang in there.

babycat

Thank you all for your thoughts, I really appreciate the insight. Keep 'em coming!

PARROTHD52

It took me a long time to do step 4 because I had trouble being painfully honest with myself. I made it a lot harder than it really was. Once I became TRULY honest and wrote it all down, and came to terms with my anger and resentments, it was a roadmap back to where I made my wrong turn. I kept thinking it would be simple because I had it all in my head, but there was something about seeing it in writing that made a big difference for me. For a long time I thought step 4 was stupid and unnecessary, but I wouldn't be sober as long as I have been without it.

And then there was step 5....

freshstart57

Babycat, I drank for the buzz, not for stuff that happened before I started drinking. I did a bunch of things I am not proud of while I was a drinker, but they stopped with the drinking, and can never happen again. I set them right where I could, as honest honorable people do, and the rest, I have accepted.

At the end of my drinking time, I drank because I felt bad with depression and anger and anxiety, but the misery disappeared when the drinking quit. Now where has that been said before?!?

Getting and remaining sober for me has been an experience of self knowledge and growth, acceptance and separation, and a demand of myself to be instead of trying to disappear.

I learned that I was just listening to my pleasure center in my addicted brain, and believing all the crap it had been telling me for years. I learned how to recognize it and separate from it, and restore control over my physical actions where alcohol is concerned.

Maybe this sort of approach makes sense to you, as it does to many others too. Drop me a note if I can help.

Zencat

My answer is that the spiritual life becomes far more attractive than the supposed fun drinking.
As do I

FeenixxRising

Very nice post Threshold. Of all the posts regarding AA on this site, your explanation of and experience using the 12-steps has resonated the most for me. So much so that I could see myself trying AA and actually working the steps. Thanks.