Sally1009

Hi everyone,
I don't know if anyone will remember me, but I have been a member of this site (albeit a rather absent one of late) for some time. I'm now nearly 9 and 1/2 months sober, and although it isn't always a walk in the park, my life has improved beyond recognition in these last few months. I want to tell you just a little of my story, not I hope, to appear I am boasting, but with the hope that it may be of help to anyone.

Last summer 2012 I was in a desperate, desperate state. My sons were going through hell trying to look after me. I had become very dependent upon them since my husband had died three years earlier, and they were at their wit's end. I hadn't seen my daughter and grandson for a long time, due to their inabilty to trust me.
I had become a 24 hour drinker, from binge drinker, and I was waiting to go into detox.

Picture the scene: I am staying in bed virtually every day, in a smoke filled room with the curtains drawn. Everything is in chaos - clothes on the floor, empty plates littered around, empty bottles of wine on and under the bed. It's 2pm. I am so drunk I am almost sober again, even though I have already consumed 3 bottles, and I am running out of alcohol.

I face the eternal question - dare I drive to the garage to buy some more, hoping I am capable of not endangering others (I feel OK to drive), or do I find some further way of pressuring my youngest son Donald to buy it for me?
I choose the second. Too exhausted to walk the three yards to his bedroom where he is in his bedroom, at the computer, I send him a text asking him to come. Two seconds later he enters my bedroom wearily,

"What is it now, Mum?"

"Sweetheart, you are going to hate me, but I really need some more wine, or I think I am going to go into withdrawals".

"Mum, I told you, I'm not getting you anymore."

"Please darling. Withdrawals can be dangerous. I might have a seizure or even die. Please. I don't want to drive."

Eventually he gives in, exhausted. Waves of relief shoot through my chest.

"How many?"

"Three?"

"Three now? That's more than yesterday!"

"I know. I'm so sorry baby. I think it will be better tomorrow."

He leaves, slamming the door. I feel sick with guilt, yet elated. Now I will sleep. I take a long pull on the remaining half-bottle ( I'm beyond drinking from a glass, and the sucking is somehow comforting).
I lie there, un-showered, feeling grimy. I think of my husband, our happy life together, and how much I have lost. I sink into self-pity and depression. Where is he?
At last I hear the car door slam, and feet running up the steps. Finally the bedroom door opens, and I hear the familiar clink of glass on glass. He drops the bag on the bed and leaves. "I HATE this," he says.

I open a bottle frantically, and down half a bottle in a few swallows. Instantly I feel calm, and soothed. The sense of horror at my life and what I am doing to my children begins to fade, and I fall into oblivion. I get an hour 'off duty', then I slowly wake, and everything comes screaming back to me. Now I feel sick, swimmy, and have a migraine.

Everything is horrible.

And each day was pretty much the same until I finally went into detox. I only stayed 16 days, and had two minor relapses after I came out, but in two weeks I joined a day programme, which was wonderful, and gave some much needed structure to my life. My last drink was 1st September.

I returned to AA and this site, got a sponsor, and against all odds, slowly began to recover. My doctor gave me medication to stop the withdrawals, and I felt reasonably well. During that autumn and winter I took up knitting, and made scarves for family and friends for their Christmas presents.
On November the 13th I quit smoking.

To my joy my daughter invited me to stay with her a for couple of days after Christmas. I would have rather it be Christmas itself, but I must appreciate what I have.
By February I was doing a course on Assertiveness and Mindfulness, and was asked by the day programme team if I would like to mentor in mosaic classes. They have picked up that I am good at art. Baby steps and 12 steps.

My daughter contacts me every day now. My sons and I eat together regularly-I am cooking for them again. Sometimes we all go to the restaurant for Sunday lunch.
I've made two new friends in AA, one of them an athlete of 68, and she suggests I join her quilt-making class. She is fun.
In April my daughter, son and fiance came to stay, their first visit in 3 years. We had a lovely time, and finally scattered my husband's ashes on his favourite beach. We felt connected.

Last week I turned 57. I spent the morning at my quilter's class, and had lunch with my boys. My daughter sent me a box full of presents. A card that said "So proud of you, Mum".

So now here I am, about to go shopping to buy the dress I am going to wear at my daughter's wedding in June. I have been invited.
Not everything is perfect. I don't go to as many meetings or call my sponsor as often as she would like. I haven't been coming on this site, except for the occasional read. I still have days where I find it hard to get out of bed. I sometimes leave the dishes, or forget to cook supper.

But life is good. The premature lines have gone from Donald's forehead, and he smiles often nowadays. My elder son William visits three times a week and often stays over. We watch comedy shows together, and talk about Leonard Cohen. The anger and fear have left his eyes.

So to all of you out there who have lost hope, who try and fall again and again, and just don't understand why, please don't lose heart. Recovery IS possible.

Thank you.

babycat

So good to hear Sally. I had wondered about you in the past months. I am really happy to hear you are doing so well!

Kathleen41

Thanks for sharing. Six months sober, with a teenage son who isn't talking to me, it's nice to hear that there is hope. I am very happy for you!!

gmanriley

Thanks for sharing your story.
I'm on day 22 and still have no desire or energy but to lay in bed...

Hope4Life

Thanks for you post. It really is great to hear that your children are taking an active part in your life.

Congratulations!

Dee74

Very glad to hear this Sally

D

venuscat

Thank you so much for sharing with us Sally...

Love Venus xx

Deckard

Thanks Sally. Your story is especially appropriate today, to those of us celebrating Mother's Day and thinking about our family relationships.

Mirage74

Thanks for sharing. Your story has helped me stay sober tonight.

Sasha4

Sally - I remember you.
It is so nice to hear that you are doing well and enjoying time with your family.

I remember when you first came here, how fed up, how depressed you were.
You have done amazing.
I am so happy that you came back to update us on your journey.

I am sending you lots of love
xxxx

fantail

What a beautiful, beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so happy for you and for your children. Reading this made me excited to see my parents soon and give them some of the same feelings of relief that you gave your children.

Jaded1999

Awesome share...

JenEss

That is powerful. And so hopeful!!
I too am coming up on 9 months sober and everyday I am aware of what a miracle my life is today. When I compare it to 9 months ago or a year ago, my life is a completely different picture today and I am a completely different woman.
We are so blessed in recovery!!

Sally1009

Thank you so much Sasha. I remember you too. Lots of love to you as well xxx

Sally1009

Thank you for saying this. It means a lot to me. Good luck with your parents.

Sally1009

We are indeed. Congratulations on your 9 months. It's a long road, isn't it? Nevertheless it's short too, comparatively, and you have achieved an incredible transformation in that time. For me it feels more and more like a dream, those awful days back last year. How did I get from there to here? It felt impossible then to believe recovery could happen. I'd resigned myself to dying a slow death. Yet slowly and surely, a day at a time, I crawled my way back. But I know for certain I couldn't have done it without the support I had....

least

I remember you too. I'm delighted that you've been able to stay sober as you wanted to do. Thank you for sharing your story of hope.

intriptik

Thank you, I really needed to read that right now.

nothopeful1

Stay strong!

artsoul

Way to go, Sally - very inspiring!