Grungehead

I was just thinking about how cunning, baffling, and powerful the disease of alcoholism is. For those of us who have relapsed, why do we put ourselves through that knowing that the eventual outcome will be the hell of withdrawal. To me it proves the insanity of this disease. We must be insane to go through the process of getting sober, relapsing, going through the hell of withdrawal, and doing that over and over. It's like hitting ourselves in the thumb with a hammer and once the pain goes away we say "I'm never going to do that again". Before you know it we have the hammer back out and are saying "this time will be different". It's the same thumb and the same hammer, so what's going to be different about it. I just don't get it, yet I've done it more than once myself. I know people who had said they have enough white chips to tile a wall lol. Well enough rambling...I'm 40 minutes from staying sober another 24 hours. Who knows what surprises lay in store for me tomorrow, hopefully none I can't handle with the support of my support groups.

Deckard

Reminds me of the story in the big book about the guy who keeps running into traffic and can't stop.... insanity indeed.

Glad you're trying again, Grungehead.

Grungehead

Thanks Deckard. I find it hard because I have had 7 years sober two different times. It's been very humbling to come back to recovery once again with 24 days of sobriety. I know so much about recovery yet I know so little. I can talk the talk but but apparently I couldn't walk the walk. But I'm willing to try again and do some things different that I didn't do last time, like work ALL of the steps and not just the ones where I didn't need to become totally honest with another alcoholic face to face.

Elisabeth888

One of the tools that I am using that has kept me sober for over seven months now is playing the tape through. I did not do that before when I relapsed over and over. Now I envision the hell of withdrawal and I say "No thanks!".

Mirage74

I think you hit the nail on the head. I think about the same thing. I just think the thought of catching that "buzz" and instant gratification overpower any rational thought and memories of the hell drinking causes. I've picked up a lot of white chips, to the point where I quit picking them up! For me, I think it took all those trials to finally convince myself that I need to quit.

I did (begrudgingly) pick up a white chip last night though. Hopefully, it's the last one I'll ever have to get.

Elisabeth888

There is no shame in picking up a white chip. I would rather pick one up then stay out there drinking because I am too proud.

I have a serious collection of them. I am talking 20 or so.

Elisabeth888

The hatred of picking up a white chip also keeps me from drinking

forabetterlife

I often wonder the same thing Grunge...its seems so absured to do something that you know will give you the same awful consequences. And through my many relapes, I have also come to the point where I really don't enjoy the time that I'm drinking all that much. So if I don't enjoy it that much and I know all it's going to do is make me feel awful mentally and physically, why do I feel the compulsion to do it again and again?. I know its the cycle of addiction, but still can't help but wonder WHY?
And we just need to really believe "ITS NEVER GOING TO BE DIFFERENT", because for me, I think that's the lie that I usually end up believing that gets me to ultimately relapse. Good luck to you.

2granddaughters

I had to commit to AA, not just be involved and pick & choose. I had (have) to do it AA's way and not my way.

Commitment to AA is like a bacon & egg breakfast ... the chicken is involved and the pig is committed.

It's all there in AA's HOW IT WORKS. I wish you the best in following the directions as prescribed.

Bob R