Justfor1

Thanx dee. You are correct I suppose I am holding resentments for the past thread. My plan is too "play the system" as they would say so I can get help in the psych ward. I'm hoping they can change my meds. The day I picked up the vodka really changed my chemistry.

Dee74

why not try not playing the system this time?
Just flat out ask for help and be honest.

I know you think you have a lot to lose that way...but really - you're still barred from several places from trying to play the system before.

Being honest is scary I know... but if you don't break this cycle now, I dunno where you're gonna end up.

D

bigsombrero

There is a lot of new and weird brain activity when you quit drinking/drugging, it can really consume you. I understand and have been there. I am sorry to hear you are struggling with mental anguish, that is a real tricky situation. I have met some very intelligent, promising, and healthy people who've spent time in psych wards.

Good luck with whatever road you take. I am sorry things are tough for you.

Justfor1

Thank you, bigsombrero. I suspect many of the "tough talkers"
are a bit more bold behind a keyboard than they would be in person. I hit a bottom this time. I hit a recovery bottom with SR, AA & substance abuse treatment. After 6-8 treatment attempts did it really help me? I know it's easy to place blame on me & say I didn't want it bad enough, try hard enough ect...
I think moving in a new direction will help me.

Weaver

So are you checking your self in? Will you be going to the local state run psych ward ?

deeker

Awww Thanks sombrero

RobbyRobot

Good to hear you're not giving up on yourself, Just. Mental health issues can be well managed, some easier than others, but nonetheless life can be enjoyed. My own past struggles with schizophrenia are behind me now. Treatment does work. The suffering can come to a happy ending.

I totally agree some people say things on a keyboard they would never say f2f. I try to take such people in stride. They eventually earn their own useless rewards for their ongoing duplicity, soap-boxing, and resentful agendas.

So yeah, resentments are not worth the trouble to carry them around. Do your best to let them go, and forgive yourself for feeling and thinking bad of yourself, and of others. No worries, just get past holding onto to whatever.

I understand what you mean about playing the system. I also understand what Dee is sharing too. You're both right, speaking from my own experiences. The system does require some personal resources from ourselves for our own good; and yet we must also be open to trust and taking ideas and directions, or else where is the help?

At the end of any day, we can only have done our best efforts at most. In my experience, our best is always (always) more then enough to achieve outstanding results!!

Be yourself as best you can, and please know that you can work all this out for good. Mental health does exist. We can and do become well, and live happy, responsible, productive lives. And we certainly don't have to be alone.

So, being from the streets myself back in my day, and from a now distant psych ward too; I wish you all the best in your journey to find (create) yourself, Just.

Elisabeth888

I say listen to Dee's words of wisdom

Be honest and surrender to the process.

wheresthefun

Justfor1, I never wish ill on anyone on this board. I see it as unfortunate, that we are all members of a certain "club", so I only hope the best for everyone on SR.

I have said one thing that could be construed as negative, and that was saying you were acting like Lindsay Lohan. AND I'd say it to your face, and I'm not a physically big guy (but I can run fast ).

We are on a message board, so take it for what it's worth. I only have a BA in psychology, but I have a brother who suffers from mental illness, I worked directly with people who suffered with mental illness. Again, for what it's worth, from all I have read of your post, my money is on your assertion that you have mental illness issues, and I most sincerely hope you find help in overcoming them.

That said, my brother, who is bipolar, suffered with alcoholism and substance abuse, as well as other mental pathologies, is doing quite well today. He does not drink, nor take any drug that is not prescribed to him by his doctors. Yes, he's been in psych wards on multiple occasions in the past, but he didn't pull his life together until HE started doing his part in his recovery.

I come from a large family, and we have always stood by my brother. I don't know your situation with your family, but I can tell you this, maybe not all of my family members would have done what I was prepared to do, but if my brother had never shown much of an effort to do HIS part in dealing with his mental health issues, the day would have come when I would have thrown in the towel. Sounds harsh, I know, but life is a two way street.

You may not think it, but many of us here ARE pulling for you.

wheresthefun

Yes, alcohol and drugs ARE triggers to mental pathologies, that is true. But, it's done, the milk is spilled so we can no longer cry about it, just clean it up.

choublak

You're going to be okay.

tomsteve

believe what ya wanna believe, but i would be the same in person.it doesnt, and hasnt, read like sittin behind a keyboard has been doin any good for ya.baby talk woulda bureied me. no...let me rephrase that... baby talk was burying me.i highly suggest taking dees advise. youve been "using" everyone and everyting and it sure doesnt seem to have been workin too good.

i hope and pray this works for ya. and i hope that you can get as much hope for you as i have for ya.

Sudz No More

JF1, I too have been around people with mental issues and have seen what they needed to go through to get public assistance and it's not easy. If you really think you need psychiatric help and cannot afford it you may want to consider requesting a meeting for P.A.C.T. care. The link is below for a New Jersey program but there may be a program similar in your State.

P.A.C.T.

If you can prove through patient assessment exams that you are in need of constant care you may qualify for disability benefits. If you think your well being is in danger at this very moment and cannot wait the several weeks to months this may take you have one other option. If you convince the social workers assigned to you that you are in danger they can have you committed at no expense to you. But this means you will be placed in a Psych ward indefinitely and only they will have the say when they think you are sane enough to be released.

These are big choices you need to think about and are very real with potential risks. But where are you in life now? Will something like the P.A.C.T. team or committal or both together help you? Only you can decide but one thing I do know is if you sit around without help things will likely only get worse. Just waiting to "play the game" may put you out of line to play before you know it.

Check out your state for programs like P.A.C.T. for starters. They may have some answers for you about the best affordable route for you.

Good Luck and keep us in the loop.

Mountainmanbob

Justfor1

I know how to get into the psych ward. I've done it before & feel it will be of greater help than the state run rehabs I usually attend. Of course, this state psych hospital does not have the nice bed, television, field trips ect... that I would like. It is locked down 24/7 & the food is about the same as the county jail. I've been there probably about 8 or 9 times in my life. It will be a first time that I'm going there physically sober though.
At least they will focus on my mental health condition instead of the alcoholism. I mean I know I'm a alcoholic and a horrible person.

Sudz No More

Most of the problems you face are related to each other so getting mental issues addressed will likely have a positive effect on your sobriety. Continuing to beat yourself up and think down about yourself only exacerbates your condition. Try to think positive and make some calls. Have you made any calls?

Pamel

Justfor1,

You may be an alcoholic but you are NOT a horrible person. You are in the grips of things that are beyond your immediate control, but you are looking for help and that is HUGE!! Personally, I am so glad you started this thread and have stayed around. There is no doubt in my mind that my situation is different from yours, but the outcome can be just as dire. I was trying (with the last relapse) to kill myself the coward's way with drinking, and I almost succeeded. When I got into rehab I was so grateful to be in a safe place, and away from all the distractions of life: responsibilities, cell phones, TV, news, husband who doesn't trust me... but it gave me time to reset my life.

I wish the same for you and glad you are posting. Life can be horrible at times but YOU ARE NOT HORRIBLE!! You are a good person.

Threshold

Just, I'm glad to see you have a plan.

I have been dealing with mental health and addiction issues my entire life, and when it came to recovery it wasn't an either/or (psych/sobriety) but a both and. I had to be working on both, and gaining skills and help in both before I could really get ahead.

I was in and out of psych wards, recovery sites, recovery groups, while I was still relapsing etc. I couldn't get and stay clean and sober until and unless I was addressing my mental health issues...and vice versa.

Psych meds alone can't help. I needed to do psych meds, AND not drinking/drugging, AND working daily on learning how to address life, including my personal challenges.

There are dual diagnosis groups and therapies exactly for this reason, because there are some challenges particular to those who have serious mental health issues and addiction issues. There are many of us here at SR, so even though you may have felt alone here, you are not and I hope when you get out of the psych ward you will stick with us.

Just for the record, many many of us here have been in and out of psych wards, hospitals, jail, homeless, rehabs, on meds, off meds, depressed, abused, jobless,suicidal, etc. so while it may come across as harsh or judgmental, often it's the voice of experience. We know what we said and felt and feared when we were still using and drinking, and we knew what it took to get past that and recover.

I hope that this stay in the psych ward is useful, and I look forward to having you back among us when you get out.

Justfor1

How can one be a alcoholic & not think they are a horrible person? Society hates me, my family hates me, SR hates me ect... Being a alcoholic in todays world is very shameful & I'm embarrassed to me one. I think anyone who is proud to be a alcoholic is sicker than I am.

FinallyFinished

I'll bite.

I'm sober five months and I am freaking awesome. Nobody hates me. Not that I am aware of. I'm still the same sweet girl.. I'm just not spilling wine all over myself when I laugh now.

I don't think that I'm more sick than you are.