Ellie80

1.) where you still in denial?
2.) if you were in denial why did you go
3.) if you were in denial, did you deep down know you had a problem.
4.) do people deny the addiction b/c there is fear/shame/guilt.

Clearly lots of questions about denial. Thanks.

Grungehead

I was kind of on the fence. I knew I had a problem but I wasn't convinced I was an alcoholic until I started relating to everyone else in the program.

fantail

4.) do people deny the addiction b/c there is fear/shame/guilt.


It's very hard to understand the denial if you aren't an alcoholic I think, but the closest analogy I can think of is a serious runner whose knees have started to give out. You know that if you keep running, you're going to need knee surgery. Knee replacements only last for so long, so if you go down that route you could very well end up in a wheelchair for the last few decades of your life. This is an incredibly stressful and upsetting scenario. But the way you deal with stress is by running. And you can still run at the moment... you know what it's doing to you, but your knees haven't given out yet. You know you shouldn't, but running is so much a part of how you balance yourself emotionally that it's hard to give it up until you physically cannot run anymore.

GracieLou

No. I have known that I was an alcoholic for a very long time. I just did not want to do anything about it.

I was finally willing to accept help. Knowing I needed help and accepting that help were two entirely different things, at least for me.

Everyone is different. Everyone has a different "bottom". Mine was fear. I was afraid and I am still afraid.

I guess in my case I was denying help. I went to AA in the past. I was sober for 5 1/2 months and went back to drinking for nine years because I refused to accept help.

I was always one to hold everything in. I thought I could solve my own problems/resentments/fear but I was not solving anything. I was burying them deeper and deeper.

Now I have to learn a new skill. To share and reach out for help and to admit I actually need that help. I am now 6 weeks sober. I go to meetings at least five times a week and I have a sponsor.

visch1

Hi. It took me 2 years of bouncing around AA looking for the softer, easy way out of the increasing daily pain. The day I got honest with myself and started accepting what I heard at meetings was the day I started to mend and years later still need to be honest with MYSELF. I have to remember this dis-ease is cunning, insidious and still baffling and waiting till we let our guard down. BE WELL

GroundhogDay

Hearing other people's stories definitely was the turning point for me to understand that I had to stop drinking rather than try to control it. I am a high functioning alcoholic whose life has not spun out of control yet, but I am starting to feel the physical damage of my drinking.

Day 9 of sobriety for me.

findingout

Yes. I was sure that there was no need to make such a big deal out of it and that I could get a handle on things and return to normal, social drinking if I just tried a little harder. There was just no way I was an alcoholic who had stop completely.
I was given a choice between unemployment and treatment. Treatment seemed like the easier, softer way.
I knew that drinking at 5:30 in the morning because I was afraid to leave the house was not normal.
I can't speak for all (or even most) people but there was a element of shame for me. It was like "Oh gawd, treatment and 12 step meetings? Has my life really come to this?". But I think more it was the thought that if I admitted to it, I would have to do the unthinkable, I would actually have to stop drinking.

That was 10 and half years ago. Today I would say that admitting I was an alcoholic and doing what was necessary to stop and stay stopped was the single best move I could have made. In comparison, nothing else would have even made a difference.

Joe Nerv

When I went into treatment the fact that I drank every day was the least of what I believed to be my problems. It took time for me to believe it was the cause of them all, but I never fought the idea.

bigsombrero

1.) where you still in denial?

Yes. In order to get into a treatment program I needed to get an "assessment" done by a professional before admittance. I was convinced this specialist would say that I was not an alcoholic and that I did not need treatment. I was waaaay off.

2.) if you were in denial why did you go

Having seizures in front of my mother, sister, and niece - they urged me to go. I did not want to but I did.

3.) if you were in denial, did you deep down know you had a problem.

Yes, but I did not like the idea, so I didn't even allow myself to analyze the problem too much. I never tried to quit on my own, never allowed myself to examine what alcohol was doing to me.

4.) do people deny the addiction b/c there is fear/shame/guilt.

Oh yes. But in my case it was more "ignore it, and it'll fix itself". I was so delusional regarding my situation that shame/guilt didn't even come into the picture until I was completing treatment. THEN I was very afraid, and very ashamed, and have been trying to make up for it ever since.

Rubysoho

1.) where you still in denial?
Yes. I didn't understand how I could be an alcoholic. I didn't see what was so bad about my drinking.
2.) if you were in denial why did you go
My health was so bad, both physically and mentally. I couldn't physically drink as much as I needed to because of my health problems. I also experienced quite upsetting mental health symptoms, and I knew that something needed to change. Although I never planned to stop forever. I just needed help then.
3.) if you were in denial, did you deep down know you had a problem.
Deep down yes. I've always covered up my drinking, and lied about how much I drink, when I drink, and would never admit to drinking on my own. Something made me lie! So deep down I did know.
4.) do people deny the addiction b/c there is fear/shame/guilt.
For me it was mainly a lack of understanding. I had in my mind what an alcoholic looks like, and in my mind, it wasn't me. From time to time I still battle with denial, but its more to do with fear than anything else.

fini

about 4):for me, yeah, shame. but also: if i stopped denying, i'd probably have to stop drinking

Elisabeth888

I was still investigating the problem and had not surrendered. So basically I was still drinking and going to meetings.

Threshold

Back then I thought denial was something intentional. That I knew the truth, didn't like it so I looked the other way. So I would have said no, I was NOT in denial when I started going to NA, I knew I was an addict and it was a relief to say it outloud.

However, I have learned in recovery that there are different levels and layers of denial and honesty. And as I've moved through recovery my ability to be honest has deepend, and I realize that I was in denial. I still thought it was worth going back out there a few more times...

I may have believed that I was an addict but I didn't think I was THAT bad of an addict. I was in denial about being an alcoholic, thought I could stop pills and keep drinking.

Recover helps me uncover and accept truth. That's the gift of freedom.

I think denial can stem from fear/guilt etc , but I think that many times it is a learned habit, or comes from a true ignorance/inability to see and label some things. Some people have lived life in such a way, or come from a sub culture in which certain things are not seen as problems, and for them recognizing, naming and addressing something that no one sees as a problem is pretty near impossible until something zaps them with reality.

I recall the day, in my thirties, when I was listening to an old tape of my grandfather telling tales of his youth in Poland. I'd heard those stories so many times growing up...but it wasn't until 15 yrs after I'd moved away that it hit me what a terribly violent family I'd grown up in and how none of us saw it. Truly NONE of us saw it, it seemed normal too us. It took that many years away and rehearing my grandfather's voice, but in a totally different context and environment for me to SEE the truth.

I'm glad reality smacked me upside the head concerning addiction/alcoholism, before another 15 yrs went by. It was NOT my conscious doing, I was lucky.