Ellie80

I am not an addict/alcoholic, my father is an alcoholic. So what I don't understand is how some addicts/alcoholics want help & others dont. How can someone want help when the very nature of the disease persuades them to use.

john44

For me it was when the pain of drinking exceeded the benefits.

FeenixxRising

I'm not quite sure of the exact nature of your question? However, I believe most addicts are still able to think somewhat rationally, so they do understand that what they're doing is harmful to themselves and to others. Most addicts understand that while alcohol or drugs may provide some short term relieve, the long term consequences of using are dire.

But the addicted brain is complicated. Still it's possible for addicts to want help even though the addicted brain is compelling the addict to use. The urges are very, very strong and they usually win out until the addict takes serious measures to break the cycle and stop using--and doing that takes iron will at a minimum, and usually requires help via a Dr., AA, rehab or some other type of recovery program.

I'm not sure if I answered you question, but I hope I helped a little.

Caldus

The answer is that alcohol worked fine for me until it finally didn't anymore. It was my Higher Power until I hit my bottom. An alcoholic doesn't want help until they hit bottom whatever 'bottom' means for them.

BullDog777

think of it like this:

your father is 2 people. the disease and the man.

the persuasive side of the disease is simply a craving that masks itself in many ways...it makes the alcoholic paranoid, sad, mad, sleepless, etc....The suffering person doesn't know how to get rid of the emotion, so they drink. that's kinda how it works.

then there is the person behind the disease. Strip away the craving and incessant obsession and you see someone, who loves their children dearly.

both of them exist in the same day.....most days, they fight to see who wins...the drinker or the father. this disease or obsession will only subside when he wants to be sober more than he wants to be drunk.

youbetcha

I agree it's usually the pain, or maybe there's an enabler or several enablers or situations that keep him from consequenses or dealing w/his stuff. For me it was the pain and consequenses of my drinking. I come from an alcoholic family too, Mom's the drunk (and me, but sober almost 22 years), Dad drinks too but his drug is rescuing and caretaking Mom, and trying to still get my siblings and me to do it, you know, try to keep the alcoholic family thing going, it's a family disease.

Ellie80

He agreed to go to an intensive outpatient rehab program....well he agreed to an initial visit. We go tomorrow. I brought up his alcoholism for the first time last week. He admitted he is an alcoholic. I just know how much addicts bs and i am well educated on the disease of addiction. I am unsure as to how much i shold tell him it affects me. I go to therapy once a week, everyday i cry or worry....i am always scared he is going to die and panic when he doesnt answer the phone. My shame is sky high....crazy high. I have been scared to go to al-anon. Its hard for me to speak of it. I want my dad to know this is a part of my everyday life & i am terrified of getting pregnant anytime soon for fear of brining more people (children) into this crazy disease. I surly will miscarry from my current level of stress over this. I could go on and on. Im scared he is going to die and that is the main thing. Should i tell him everything or give it to him in doses over time?

Ellie80

Im well aware its a family disease. And not just "everyone is so sad" way. My younger brother (who is too young to be involved RIGHT now) didnt even know i confronted my father this past week and all week he has been very sick and lied about something to my mother. And the family pet got sick & everyone taled about the sick pet 24/7. Coincidence? I think not. I disrupted the system!

BullDog777

why do you have to tell him anything and why do you feel shame? if he's agreed, let him go to rehab and see what happens. people seldom go because of guilt. they usually get mad instead.

as far as this going genetic with your kid, don't worry of it....there are predispositions to this, sure, but if you are a good parent and teach your child well, and are there for your child...there is only a few percentages that can say that this can be handed down...an even if it is.....educate them and let them know... and that can make a world of difference.

Calm down...tell your dad you'd be proud of him if he addressed his problem....encourage him from a strong stance but don't hit him with an all or nothing point of view. that **** only works on TV for ratings imo.....just be supportive from a healthy distance.

Prayers fo you.

Ellie80

So if he pulls bs don't say "then i'm gone"???

Calm down....lol. I don't know what that means. But....i am concerned about bringing a child into this family disease thing. There is a 50/50 chance my child will be an addict. Ok...I'll cross that bridge later.

I have shame bc i am a "perfect daughter" and my father's alcoholism doesn't fit in. It is embarrasing to me that my father is an alcoholic. And i grew up with the message that we won't discuss the pink elephant in the room.

Thanks for the prayers.

choublak

Not unless you actually plan to leave.

fantail

It's important that he knows you care. But I would caution you against telling him that you're ashamed. One thing we alcoholics seem to have universally is a whole ton of shame. And when it feels like too much, we crack under the pressure and even though we know we'll pay for it later, we drink to give ourselves a little escape.

Instead of sharing your shame, I think it's good for both of you if you try to have and share some hope. Instead of "I can't have a child because I don't want to raise one around your disease", it could be, "I want to have children and I want them to know a happy, healthy grandfather."

That isn't to say you shouldn't be honest with him... just as you begin the conversation, since you've been feeling so much over so many years, try to go gently. Chances are he's been feeling shame all those years too.

Ellie80

Great advice, thanks. I approached him with hope & love about his isease which is partly why I think he said he wanted help.

Readysteady

I'm going through that now with my brother and have been wondering the same. He's been to the hospital countless times for pancreatitis over the past few years. Now has liver damage too and is still drinking.
He is very difficult most of the time. It's been such a struggle. Good luck.

Che

Why on Earth do you believe that? That is definitely not true.

What kind of help are you offering your father? Ask him what HE wants and think about what you can do about it if it's reasonable. I think a lot of times when people don't 'want help' what they mean is they don't want help from a stranger or a professional. They feel hurt by the idea that they should just be sent away to a clinic as one of YOUR problems.

The other factor is whether or not he wants to quit at all. But I think in these matters everyone has to take some responsibility in making what they want to happen, and often times it gets shirked off. Is your father lonely? Does he need people to spend more time with him? Is he frustrated with his circumstances? If you can offer him help with the problems that he's using drinking to solve, you might have more credibility when you tell him to stop drinking or to see a professional. But if you just send him to the professional straight away, you only make him feel like a burden.

Family matters are complicated and your OP is only two lines, so I've had to fill in a lot of blanks and I might have totally missed the mark. But the be all and end all of this post is to say WHY doesn't this person want help, not 'HOW.' If you can answer WHY, you'll be able to answer HOW much more accurately.

fini

Ellie,
you may be the "perfect daughter", but he's not the perfect father. or perfect human.
hm....i'm a mom. it's never occurred to me to see my parents' behaviour as any kind of reflection on me, though i have struggled with it in regards to my kids' "mis"behaviour when they were younger.
but the point is that you're sounding incredibly enmeshed.


what would you hope to accomplish by telling your dad of your fears and embarrassments and shame about him?


i catch myself at times having this crazy thought that if i share my feelings about what a to-me-significant someone else is doing and how very negatively it affects me, they will then go:"oh no! i had no idea!! why, thanks for telling me, and of course i'll stop immediately! oh, i can't believe i was this insensitive to your suffering. i am ever so deeply sorry and..."
never happens.
your dad has his own shame. he can't help you with yours. it's yours to deal with. i'm sorry you feel it; your dad's actions and alcoholism say NOTHING about you.

approaching with love and care while taking care of yourself....finding that balance.
i'm relieved he'll be going to the appointment.
hm....you have two threads with the same question , but going in different directions...confusing.

take care of yourself.

Ellie80

Telling him how i felt was important b/c i am giving myself permission to speak my truth. Of course I am emeshed...and say my experiences helps a smidge in differentiating myself from him. I have never been able to express to him how i feel. I am sick. My father is sick.

I went to my first al-anon meeting today. We also went to the rehab IOP place....he pulled some BS and i spoke my truth. And some miracle occured and he signed up for the program & starts tmw. We were there for 2 hours of him filling out paperwork etc. so, for now i just want to take care of myself.

Ellie80

Oh and i know im not perfect really....the perfect daughter thing is my role in making our family appear ok. I am a perfect f-ing mess lol.

Kathleen41

Muster up all the courage you can and get to an Alanon Family meeting. You will be glad you did. Just sit and listen, grab some literature to take home.

Whatever happens with your dad and rehab tomorrow, you need to take care of you. that's the only thing you can do. We are all rooting for you.

Ellie80

Thanks kathleen. Thanks to everyone.