scared1

I am back. I keep struggling with my alcohol demon. I am so tired of this game but don't know how to stop.
I just had a beautiful baby. I was sober for the majority of my pregnancy. (even tho it was hard and a struggle)
But one week after giving birth I drank. Then the next weekend after that and now it seems like I am drinking all the time. I hate the way I feel. I feel ashamed, disappointed and like an unfit mother. I don't know why I keep running to the bottle.
I am so full of stress in my life so I reach for the bottle but my mind knows the booze won't help my stress, it won't solve any of my problems or take away my fears. It is making things worse. I lose patience for the baby crying, but yet my hand keeps reaching for the booze. I don't even realize I am drinking.
It is amazing how quickly I fell right back into my old pattern.
Why am I so powerless when it comes to drinking and so strong when it comes to the rest of my life?
How do I quit?
I am too ashamed to tell anyone that I want to quit.
It is my personal struggle. Everyone knows I am an alcoholic, I have also been the first one to say it. So it is not that the alcoholism is shameful to me, it's letting people know that I can't control it, is the shameful part.
I feel like a loser, failure and I don't want people to know it.
How do I fight this battle? I need the lord's help but I want to fight this quietly and successfully. Is that possible?
Like my handle says... I am so scared
Scared to keep drinking and scared to not drink. I seem to hate life and this burdon and all it's difficulties.

doggonecarl

You're not alone in your struggle. But you seem alone in your recovery. Don't let shame keep you from getting the help you need. You don't have to tell the world you are an alcoholic. But you need to tell the people who can help you that you need and want help.

Have you tried face to face support? A recovery program like AA or anything else. Maybe it's time. You don't have to struggle alone.

scared1

I have tried AA... I am not sure how I feel about it. I met some great caring people there but it seemed like a struggle to me. Also I felt like I let them down and can't face them right now.

Che

Try not keeping alcohol in the house or letting yourself go into a liquor store. It will be way easier to resist if the bottle is not right next to you.

Life is a painful and unhappy experience for many, but try to look for the positives. Don't view your baby as a burden or yourself as a burden, just devote yourself to providing a good environment for the child and imagine what this child might grow up to be. There's possibility for good, here. If you think of it as a bad thing, you'll suffer a self-fulfilled prophecy.

Do your best~

endlesspatience

Thanks for posting again. Of course you are not alone - you know that there is always a community here to support you. I have been reading back over your posts and I have some observations which I hope will be useful.

1. You have been visiting this Forum since December 2010 but you tend to come here when the consequences of your drinking cause a crisis and you are in a state of high emotion. Nothing wrong with that at all. But many of us try to come here frequently and in a variety of different moods because we find that the discussions we have here help bring us clarity. Hey, we often laugh and joke together too! It would be great if you could visit more often, especially during the periods when you're off the booze and need some extra support.

2. You have been to AA but walked out. You don't say anything about reading the literature, getting a sponsor or working the steps. Do you have a sense yet of what the programme involves? If not, there's plenty of explanations on it on these boards or feel free to ask.

3. You have had periods of sobriety during which your mood has improved, especially during your pregnancy. So recovery has been within your grasp although I appreciate that you are struggling to sustain it for a long period. Others here have months and years of sobriety. You may want to find out how they did that.

4. You lost a friend who was violently killed by an alcoholic. That is a shocking tragedy. But are you somehow blaming AA or recovery programmes for that incident? AA is for those who desire not to drink. If an alcoholic drank and committed a crime that is precisely the sort of terrible consequence of drinking the organisation is there to try to prevent.

Furthermore, are you somehow saying that your friend's death is a good reason for you to drink? You said yourself in one post that you yourself could have killed someone when drunk. That's probably unlikely but you are putting your own life at risk if you are drinking, as we all are.

One last observation. You sometimes start threads but then seem reluctant to engage with the people who respond. Again, that may be a result of anxiety and shame - I understand that. But if you can share with us more, we can offer more help and support.

I wish you and your children the very best.

doggonecarl

Maybe your incentive to get sober is different now. You have a strong motivation to get sober...your child. Maybe get back to a meeting, locate a sponsor, and get working on those steps. Things might be different this go around.

But for today, just don't drink. Don't give in to the addiction. Then tomorrow, do it again.

scared1

Endlesspatience
Yes I believe some of your observations may be very true and accurate.
1. Yes I do seem to only come on here when I am at my lowest and when I feel better, I read posts but don't usually post about how good or happy I am at that moment. Maybe I should start because I do feel good after a few days sober. So I will try to keep posting my progress. BUt the shame that I feel when I fall back, keeps me away for a while.

2. Even though I walked out of an AA meeting with my friend (the same friend who ended up being killed) I still went to other meetings and I did read the literature. I was also going to a christian recovery meeting and reading the bible as it relates to AA.
But I guess it is my shame that won't let me ask for help. I never got a sponser. I only reached out for help once, the day I walked out of the meeting, I called a woman from another meeting and she calmed me down. It kept me from drinking that night. But I don't know, maybe it is also my pride that keeps me from reaching out. Keeping to myself. That is why this site helps me because it is annonomous and I don't have to look anyone in the face I suppose.
One time, I left a meeting sobbing in my car because the craving and urge was so strong. I was pouring tears as I drove and later told myself the struggle wasn't worth it and I drank. I feel weak for that.

Lastly I don't blame anyone or any thing for my friends death. I probably did at first, but now I know it is all part of the addiction. **** happens. I don't blame their addiction because I know it too well.

scared1

I meant I blame the addiction because I know it too well

InsertNameHere

Your nowhere near alone in this, if you were this site wouldn't exist!

I am very newly sober myself (I have three going on four months) but I was trying for a year to do this by myself with very limited success, and that is with a loose definition of success.

Going to AA and being able to be honest with people who actually understood did me worlds of good. That didn't stop me from drinking in between meetings though. Thankfully I kept going and got myself an understanding sponsor who didn't "fire" me the third or fourth or whoever many times I got drunk those first few months. All I can say is that meetings and a sponsor helped me put a few weeks together, then work with my sponsor has helped me stay that was thus far, as well as more meetings lol.

Hope the best for you.

scared1

Also I want to add that this is my 3rd child. I couldn't stay sober for my first two who are teenagers now and causing me stress.but I realized, I can't do it for them. I have to tell myself I must do it for me, for my peace of mind, for my health, then I will be a better mother to them.

scared1

insertname,
I think that is why I haven't gotten a sponser. disappointing her in some way. Disappointing myself is hard enough

BLJ

You said, "I never got a sponsor"......I'm not saying that you have to get one...maybe you are able to do this alone, but it doesn't sound like it. You have to be the judge of that. Recovery demands that you have to be honest in order to recover...that is a difficult thing for alcoholics to do...but that's why you get a sponsor, that's why you work the steps. That's why it's called a "we" program. We need each other.

Like I said, You don't have to get a sponsor. I"m just telling you the things I did. I'm over 18 yr. sober......

2granddaughters

The only thing that worked and keeps working for me is AA.

I hated it, I didn't understand it, it was the most un-natural thing I have ever attempted .... and it worked !!

Commit to AA and it will save your life. Don't analyze it, judge it and tear it apart ... just DO IT like millions of others have.

All the best.

Bob R

Pamel

You didn't let ANYONE down. It is a selfish program, and first and foremost we are there for our own sobriety. If we have some extra to give away that day we help, especially the newcomer. But never think you are among a bunch of people who have "got it" and you don't. For every one of us, we are only an arm's length away from that next drink.

You are one of us, and that "us" is huge! Move right in.

Jeni26

I can relate to you feeling that you don't want to return to AA because of thinking you have 'let them down' because I felt exactly the same way when I relapsed last year. I'd been going for 7 weeks, had met some wonderful caring people and had started to feel I was making progress.

Then it all came crashing down....I was back to square one. Awful anxiety and feelings of hopelessness overwhelmed me.

I didn't go back immediately, though I really missed the meetings. I felt lost and alone.

After a few weeks, I sent a text message to one of the women who had befriended me. I still have it on my phone, I found it the other day funnily enough. She was great, arranged to meet me at a different meeting and that night became my sponsor.

Things have a funny way of working out you know once you reach out for help.

I hope things work out well for you too x

Dee74

Some great advice here Scared1 - welcome back .

I think the two most important factors in recovery success are making changes and finding the support to help you make those changes

you're not alone here

I think EW makes a great point tho - why not stick around SR for a while? Maybe even join a monthly support thread - our current month support thread is May:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-2013-a-6.html

D

robgt350

i had to completely separate my self from all aspects of drinking and avoid it including people. then i had to surround myself with new stuff.