My addiction seems stronger than my will.
 

I'm addicted to alcohol, there is no doubt about it.

It's been an off and on battle since my late teens, I'm 31 now. I don't get violent or make terribly poor decisions while drinking (these days, that is), but my consumption is really getting out of hand, and I'm worried about my health, worried about passing on bad habits to my son who's to be born soon. I'm tired of being hung over all the time, tired of not living up to my potential because I'm hungover or more concerned about drinking instead of the things I could be doing to reach goals or improve my life.

In spite of realizing that I'm being reckless with my consumption, and what it's doing to me... I can't seem to moderate my drinking. I drink at least a 6 pack most everyday, and more than a case during the weekends. In other words, I drink as much as possible, as much as I can without totally neglecting responsibilities (going to work, etc). I'm a functional alcoholic I suppose.

It's strange how a life without alcohol, or far less alcohol, seems like such a depressing and undesirable scenario. This perception must be a strong element of my addiction. I don't actually want to slow down or quit, it's just that I know I need to. On the one hand, I've realized that things are getting out of control, and there are serious consequences, but on the other, there is the physical/psychological dependence. Hence the thread title, I know I need to slow down or quit, but I can't seem to will myself to do it.

Where do I go from here?

DTC until recently, I had considered being an alcoholic to be a problem with willpower and morals, but actually the brain gets rewired and it becomes extemely difficult to control the will not to drink. :egypt:

At some point though, it takes an act of will to stop, right?

Paradoxically, for alcoholics of my type, it seems to take an act of surrender, and admission of defeat. I found that willpower and self knowledge were not sufficient.
But I suppose you could say it takes an act of willingness to follow a new path and discard old ideas.

Am also addicted
 

Just got out of the hospital! atrial fibrillation:c021:.

Like you DTC my will power wasn't much good because part of my will still wanted to drink.

Acceptance worked better for me than willpower - I accepted my relationship with alcohol was toxic and always would be...when I looked at it that way, giving up drinking began to look like a good, smart idea, & a wise investment in my future, rather than a defeat.

D

Since reading your response, I have read pro and con information as to whether there is such a thing as willpower, and it has me thinking. At this point I wouldn't dare draw a conclusion so I don't know if it's right or wrong that it takes an act of will to stop. Thanks. :egypt:

Hi. In my last days of drinking I needed many things to deter my use of alcohol. I needed to get honest with myself, remember what I was going through and surrender to the fact that I couldn't drink in safety so couldn't pick up the first drink. Then the work started. BE WELL

We are all different. DTC. For me there was no surrender, no powerlessness, but instead, as Dee said, it was acceptance. This was a toxic relationship that needed to be ended, and I needed to accept that it was over. Continuing that relationship was going to kill me.

I drew on my past experience way back in my late teens with a different sort of toxic relationship. She lied, she cheated, she stole, she made me feel and look like a fool, and I was a fool for her. The day came when I cut her off, I cut her out of my life. It hurt, and I grieved for my lost love, but I got over it by understanding that this feeling of shame and guilt, anger and depression, was over. I was making a fresh start.

My relationship with alcohol was similar in so many ways, and I finally understood that I could do this again. I quit. I separated that feeling of wanting a drink from me, and tied it to those feelings. And then I pitched the whole tangle in the toilet.

You can quit, you can decide that this relationship you are having is killing you, and that you deserve a life with peace and joy, self-pride and hope. It is there for you, DTB. Just accept it, and take it.

Onward!

Couldn't have said it better thank you Dee.

I was in the same exact boat as you DTC. A Functional Alcoholic drinking copious amounts of beer every day as much as I could. That Alcoholic voice just would not shut up. I was brought back to drinking time and time again by giving into those uncontrollable impulses.

What has worked for me this time is much like Dee said. I just accepted the fact that drinking and me do not mix. You just have to hold on to your sobriety with all your will in those first few weeks. Once you get one to two months in you should start to see those nasty mental cravings lessen.

For me it was the 90 day area but we are all different. At some point though if you continue to abstain, the cravings will get less and will be more manageable. Just hold on past those first few weeks, you can make it if I can ;)

Have you tried going to AA ?? .... AA has worked for me for nearly 24 yrs.

All the best.

Bob R

Realise that you are a barely functioning alcoholic? If so know that you know where that goes.

This is a very interesting thread and has really gotten me thinking.

Today, my take on this (based on my own experience) is that recovery took an act of willingness. Acceptance, like others have said, that me and booze/pills/cutting/binging/starving/ridiculous relationships...were a deadly combination and I had to be willing to try something different. I had to be willing to try a life without those things.

I tried the "willpower" thing and I whiteknuckled it for a while, but it didn't last, because I wasn't really willing to do anything different. I hoped that not drinking would solve everything, fix everything and if it did, I could probably will myself to spend the rest of my life not drinking in order to solve everything.

but it didn't work that way. When I became willing not only to put down the booze etc. and try to do some things differently, that's when recovery happened and now I don't feel like I NEED to drink.drug etc. I don't need to exert extreme will to NOT do those things. Recovery reached a theraputic level.

Then you won't. It's hard enough to quit when you desire it more than anything. If you don't want to quit, you drink.

Hope you can find it within yourself the desire to quit.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Willingness seems to be a common theme, and I'm just not sure if I'm there yet. I can't decide if I need to commit to quitting outright, or strive to moderate consumption.

Anyways... there is some good news.

In the week following my post, I managed to avoid drinking for three days during the work week, and drank much less on the weekend than normal. It gets even better! This last week, I managed to avoid drinking all week, and doubt I'll drink much at all this weekend.

It's amazing what a week of sobriety will bring. I've had more energy and a far better attitude towards work and life in general.

I may not quit immediately, but I'm certainly motivated to throw some 'reigns' on this runaway addiction. :)

I suggest that you read others' posts concerning their efforts to moderate their drinking. Not a good track record. I came to the conclusion that I'm not special. No magical powers to succeed where armies have failed.

If that is not convincing, more health and other problems down the road may convince you. In any event, we will be here to support you.

Well, I know my therapist has said that she often recommends for people who aren't ready to quit that they either try moderation, or try to quit for a month. If those don't work, then you usually learn in the process that you need to quit. If they do work, then that's awesome! Either way it's better than going full steam.

Good luck and congrats on cutting back. :)

I love that quote, I'm gonna steal it! :)

DTC, I drank the exact same amounts as you do and managed to have a job & attend college. I drank at the level for a few years until things started to get out of control. Nowdays, if I relapse I don't plan on drinking a 6 pack. I plan on drinking a bottle of Vodka & get some drugs. You have a problem now but you don't have to let things go like I did. You are at that line of being functional. I would guess though that you are very close to crossing that line.