Getting sober and becoming distant from spouse
Getting sober and becoming distant from spouse
Has anyone ever experienced this? I'm on day 9, and I have been doing small assessments of my sobriety so far. I'm finding that I'm spending more time on myself, and less time on my spouse. I'm going to bed super early, focusing on eating a healthy diet, exercise, etc., and my husband feels in the dark. Where did I go? Where we once got drunk in the evenings watching TV, now we're in two separate rooms doing our own thing. Is this normal, or even okay?
And on another note, since becoming sober, I'm starting to question my religion and it's mind boggling, because I feel trapped by this fear of spending eternity in hell, yet I want to live the life I dream of. My religion says my life is not my own, and I need to surrender it to God. But now that I'm sober, I'm so excited to do all these things with my life (one of those to build wealth by finishing my degree and building a business) and it's sad to think that God wouldn't want me to have the life I dream of.
I know some of you are religious on here, and some of you aren't, but it would be nice to hear some thoughts on both these things.
And on another note, since becoming sober, I'm starting to question my religion and it's mind boggling, because I feel trapped by this fear of spending eternity in hell, yet I want to live the life I dream of. My religion says my life is not my own, and I need to surrender it to God. But now that I'm sober, I'm so excited to do all these things with my life (one of those to build wealth by finishing my degree and building a business) and it's sad to think that God wouldn't want me to have the life I dream of.
I know some of you are religious on here, and some of you aren't, but it would be nice to hear some thoughts on both these things.
Perfectly normal as far as I can tell. I'm in the same boat. I think we need time to re-calibrate and its just part of the process. I'm on day 10, my live in continues to drink, and I'm very much doing my own thing. Though we're about to go out to a Cinco de Wacko party for business purposed. I'm hoping she doesn't imbibe too much. Just give it some time and focus on yourself. Figure out what you want for yourself, how to get it and then....Go get it. Not sure how religion exactly your religion works with you, but my God wants me to be ethical, successful and happy.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 273
If he is feeling lonely I guess he should try doing something with you that doesn't involve drinking? He might have a problem too if that's impossible for him.
You're not going to Hell for an eternity. As an atheist that's what I believe ;p There's not much that can come from discussing whether or not you should subscribe to a religion, that's absolutely your personal choice, but for those who do I think many find it helpful not to take the bible or whichever place teachings come from literally. Because the bible literally is absolutely not compatible with modern ethics. If God says your life is not your own, your life is for God, surely you can twist that to mean that acquiring wealth allows you to help more people and better serve God.
You're not going to Hell for an eternity. As an atheist that's what I believe ;p There's not much that can come from discussing whether or not you should subscribe to a religion, that's absolutely your personal choice, but for those who do I think many find it helpful not to take the bible or whichever place teachings come from literally. Because the bible literally is absolutely not compatible with modern ethics. If God says your life is not your own, your life is for God, surely you can twist that to mean that acquiring wealth allows you to help more people and better serve God.
I don't think your religious conflict has anything to do with your being sober. If anything being sober should make it easier for you to fulfill the requirements of your religion. Whatever lifestyle or code of ethics you need to live by for your religion, you will be more successful as a nondrinker because you will have more self control, and that's all you need to adhere to any given code of behavior.
It's healthy to question your religious beliefs. After all, you want to believe in things because they are true, not because you were taught to believe in them. Sobriety can only help, because as a sober person you will think more clearly and make sounder judgements than you would as a drinker.
It's healthy to question your religious beliefs. After all, you want to believe in things because they are true, not because you were taught to believe in them. Sobriety can only help, because as a sober person you will think more clearly and make sounder judgements than you would as a drinker.
Day 9 is day nine 9. Try not to panic and stay the course, it can all feel overwhelming. My thoughts raced, and were all over the place for a good 90 days. Things settle in time.
It might be useful to tell your husband that you need to rest and recover. It is not a time to start making major changes in all aspects of your life. There is plenty of time later on.
It might be useful to tell your husband that you need to rest and recover. It is not a time to start making major changes in all aspects of your life. There is plenty of time later on.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
I think God would be very happy that you are taking charge of your life, making healthy decisions, instead of avoiding feelings and life in a bottle. Any life you choose is your choice, and after all, God gave us our right to choose.. just because we are living our life our way doesn't mean we are offending God. As a parent, wouldn't you love to see your children living happy healthy lives?
You are only 9 days in. By day 18 you will likely have done a complete 180 and think the opposite of what you do today. By day 27, who knows what you will think but I'm fairly certain it will be different than your thinking on day 9 or day 18. The point is, you are in early sobriety, just try to hang on and don't make things to complicated. Just try to stay sober 1 day at a time, don't get all philosophical.
Hi TheRestorative,
Great work on getting to day 9!
Here is the way I have been looking at my own progress:
#1: Achieve lasting, unshakable, bulletproof sobriety.
#2: Do something with it.
I am still very much on task #1. At some point I think my attention will naturally turn to #2... But I can tell you that at day 9 my mental and emotional energy was 100% devoted to the simple task of not drinking.
Keep up the good work!
Great work on getting to day 9!
Here is the way I have been looking at my own progress:
#1: Achieve lasting, unshakable, bulletproof sobriety.
#2: Do something with it.
I am still very much on task #1. At some point I think my attention will naturally turn to #2... But I can tell you that at day 9 my mental and emotional energy was 100% devoted to the simple task of not drinking.
Keep up the good work!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Has anyone ever experienced this? I'm on day 9, and I have been doing small assessments of my sobriety so far. I'm finding that I'm spending more time on myself, and less time on my spouse. I'm going to bed super early, focusing on eating a healthy diet, exercise, etc., and my husband feels in the dark. Where did I go? Where we once got drunk in the evenings watching TV, now we're in two separate rooms doing our own thing. Is this normal, or even okay?
And on another note, since becoming sober, I'm starting to question my religion and it's mind boggling, because I feel trapped by this fear of spending eternity in hell, yet I want to live the life I dream of. My religion says my life is not my own, and I need to surrender it to God. But now that I'm sober, I'm so excited to do all these things with my life (one of those to build wealth by finishing my degree and building a business) and it's sad to think that God wouldn't want me to have the life I dream of.
I know some of you are religious on here, and some of you aren't, but it would be nice to hear some thoughts on both these things.
And on another note, since becoming sober, I'm starting to question my religion and it's mind boggling, because I feel trapped by this fear of spending eternity in hell, yet I want to live the life I dream of. My religion says my life is not my own, and I need to surrender it to God. But now that I'm sober, I'm so excited to do all these things with my life (one of those to build wealth by finishing my degree and building a business) and it's sad to think that God wouldn't want me to have the life I dream of.
I know some of you are religious on here, and some of you aren't, but it would be nice to hear some thoughts on both these things.
New International Version (©2011) Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
_________________________
Prosperity and blessing come from walking in right relationship with God.
Hey,
I would say that the only Hell you face is going back to the bottle.
If hell does exist in a spiritual sense I believe its a state of being completely cut off from my spiritual source ("God"). That separation would be the true meaning of hell. I don't imagine a burning pit of fire or anything like (though it seems to be a common theme in many religions!).
In terms of surrender. Yes I surrender my will and my lives to my HP, my inner pilot or divine nature. That doesn't mean I can't have fun, chase my dreams and get addicted to life! I can imagine my HP as a bright light of hope, joy, faith and fun. I can imagine my HP as a child in rapturous delight. I don't imagine my HP to be some angry and jealous bearded dude looking down and judging me one day and then moonlighting as a Hippy the next (aka the God of my childhood) depending on your interpretation of the Bible. I feel if I'm living that way my HP would want and that means living the way of peace, harmony, tolerance, humility and love then I'm sure I'm on the right track. Once when St Francis of Assisi and his mates were playing a game and having fun one of the more sombre and serious Friars said they should stop their hilarity and fun making and get serious. Francis said that God loved his children to have fun and be happy therefore he better join in and start enjoying the gift of life. The grumpy Friar didn't stay long after and probably joined the Dominican Inquisitors or some other miserable bunch of bible thumpers.
Its normal that you are feeling these things. My relationship has taken a similar turn with my wife. I imagined that it would get better after I stopped drinking and started working the steps but it seems we are growing more distant. Maybe I'm just more acutely aware of her now than I was before. Our relationship has probably improved but I was just too blind to see how bad it was until I was looking down the barrel of separation and divorce unless I changed. I'm also right into exercise and keeping fit and eating healthy and keep myself super active. Maybe a bit too much. Maybe I need to spend some time on her for a change. I don't know things went in your marriage but I've got a lot of work to do in mine. Staying sober is only part of recovery. Forgiveness and making amends is just as important.
I would say that the only Hell you face is going back to the bottle.
If hell does exist in a spiritual sense I believe its a state of being completely cut off from my spiritual source ("God"). That separation would be the true meaning of hell. I don't imagine a burning pit of fire or anything like (though it seems to be a common theme in many religions!).
In terms of surrender. Yes I surrender my will and my lives to my HP, my inner pilot or divine nature. That doesn't mean I can't have fun, chase my dreams and get addicted to life! I can imagine my HP as a bright light of hope, joy, faith and fun. I can imagine my HP as a child in rapturous delight. I don't imagine my HP to be some angry and jealous bearded dude looking down and judging me one day and then moonlighting as a Hippy the next (aka the God of my childhood) depending on your interpretation of the Bible. I feel if I'm living that way my HP would want and that means living the way of peace, harmony, tolerance, humility and love then I'm sure I'm on the right track. Once when St Francis of Assisi and his mates were playing a game and having fun one of the more sombre and serious Friars said they should stop their hilarity and fun making and get serious. Francis said that God loved his children to have fun and be happy therefore he better join in and start enjoying the gift of life. The grumpy Friar didn't stay long after and probably joined the Dominican Inquisitors or some other miserable bunch of bible thumpers.
Its normal that you are feeling these things. My relationship has taken a similar turn with my wife. I imagined that it would get better after I stopped drinking and started working the steps but it seems we are growing more distant. Maybe I'm just more acutely aware of her now than I was before. Our relationship has probably improved but I was just too blind to see how bad it was until I was looking down the barrel of separation and divorce unless I changed. I'm also right into exercise and keeping fit and eating healthy and keep myself super active. Maybe a bit too much. Maybe I need to spend some time on her for a change. I don't know things went in your marriage but I've got a lot of work to do in mine. Staying sober is only part of recovery. Forgiveness and making amends is just as important.
Congrats on day 9.
It's totally normal to be where you're at. You're making a huge life change, a life saver, in fact. Our mind, emotions, body and spirituality all get overhauled, and are adjusting to the non-alcoholic intake and life. So take it easy on yourself. Yes, you will find yourself going to bed earlier, changing habits, doing things that you didn't do before (or else what's the point of change?). It is common for relationships to change in this transition too. Give it time - it's only been just past a week. As the zebra said, things will look different perhaps in a week, then at a month, then at two months. I had a lot of shifts, transitions, changed points of view, rituals, habits, etc. change as I got more time under my belt. I questioned a lot of things in my life - from the mundane to the deep level stuff. Give yourself the space to do this, and yes, you and your partner might not be doing what you did before, but it's also important to let your husband know what is going on and how you are approaching this, and that it's not personal to him. I am sure he will understand.
It's totally normal to be where you're at. You're making a huge life change, a life saver, in fact. Our mind, emotions, body and spirituality all get overhauled, and are adjusting to the non-alcoholic intake and life. So take it easy on yourself. Yes, you will find yourself going to bed earlier, changing habits, doing things that you didn't do before (or else what's the point of change?). It is common for relationships to change in this transition too. Give it time - it's only been just past a week. As the zebra said, things will look different perhaps in a week, then at a month, then at two months. I had a lot of shifts, transitions, changed points of view, rituals, habits, etc. change as I got more time under my belt. I questioned a lot of things in my life - from the mundane to the deep level stuff. Give yourself the space to do this, and yes, you and your partner might not be doing what you did before, but it's also important to let your husband know what is going on and how you are approaching this, and that it's not personal to him. I am sure he will understand.
Thank you all for the mixed advice.
I'm an anxious thinker as it is, so a lot of this is just me. But taking it one day at a time is for sure the best thing to do. Too far ahead, and I'll be putting myself at risk for some other calamity.
And I agree that my religious fears have nothing to do with getting sober. I suppose perhaps I'm just thinking of them more now that alcohol isn't at the forefront of my list of "sins." :-) Moving down the list...
Thanks again, I'll be chewing on all these words today.
Blessings,
Abby
I'm an anxious thinker as it is, so a lot of this is just me. But taking it one day at a time is for sure the best thing to do. Too far ahead, and I'll be putting myself at risk for some other calamity.
And I agree that my religious fears have nothing to do with getting sober. I suppose perhaps I'm just thinking of them more now that alcohol isn't at the forefront of my list of "sins." :-) Moving down the list...
Thanks again, I'll be chewing on all these words today.
Blessings,
Abby
Abby,
A lot of time what helps for me is to journal all of the thoughts that are running through my head. It is great to look back and see what I was thinking three months ago and to note how much I have changed in just that short of a period of time!
A lot of time what helps for me is to journal all of the thoughts that are running through my head. It is great to look back and see what I was thinking three months ago and to note how much I have changed in just that short of a period of time!
God, I probably would have been arrested if anybody had read what was going through my mind back then! LOL
God wants us to prosper but he doesn't want us to have any others God's before him. He wants our dependence to be on him first, Not Obsessions or possessions.
New International Version (©2011) Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
_________________________
Prosperity and blessing come from walking in right relationship with God.
New International Version (©2011) Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
_________________________
Prosperity and blessing come from walking in right relationship with God.
I put my dependence on Him, and had both a great career and built two businesses. I was able to handle the ups and downs of business with His support.
I put my dependence on Him in personal relationships and when my wife of nearly 20 years was taken from me, I got through with His support.
My other "rocks" were taken, my father, my sponsor, and yet, with His strength I can be a rock to my children, and the people I sponsor.
I don't feel like I have given anything up through my faith, but I have gained much.
Gotta life, I appreciate your response so much. Thank you. It was so encouraging to read today. I just got through writing on my blog, and I felt such a peace about being able to let go of the religion mind-set that says we're to lose in order to gain later. Although true in some aspects, it didn't sit well with me at first. I had to learn that God is more concerned with our leaning on Him and trusting Him, than with our perfection in trying to obey the Bible all of the time. We're free to choose, but He must be first. He wants us to have abundant life, and Jesus said several times that if we ask, and have faith that He'll provide, we WILL receive what we ask for. Sometimes even BETTER than what we imagined.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 280
I recently began questioning my faith as well, I think that may be a large part of my recent relapse (i use the term relapse loosely here, just a little mini bender is all).
I sort of adjusted my views from orthodox christianity to something along the lines of Unitarism (which has only slightly more faith than agnostic.)
My suggestion to you, work on your sobriety for a bit before pondering the great questions. Also watch Richard Dawkins biography of Charles Darwin, its beautiful, and might help you focus a bit, and if you're feeling very open to ideas, his BBC special "The God Delusion".
It will make you a bit uncomfortable but it will give you a few things to think about. You mentioned fear of enternity in hell, which is very valid and something i struggled with. When i had my children I wanted to bring them to church and then i remembered all the fears that came with church, the beliefs in spirits and monsters and demons that were out to get you, and the only protection you had was God, but he is also very jealous and if you don't worship him correctly, or if the devil tricks you, you'll burn in hellfire.
I didn't want to push that on my kids...
and also a line from the Tim Minchin Song 'if you open your mind too much, your brain will fall out.'
"if anyone can show me just one example in the history of the world of a single Spiritual or religious person who has been able to prove either logically or empirically the existence of a higher power that has any consciousness or interest in the human race or ability to punish or reward humans for there moral choices or that there is any reason - other than fear - to believe in any version of an afterlife"
Happy Hunting
I sort of adjusted my views from orthodox christianity to something along the lines of Unitarism (which has only slightly more faith than agnostic.)
My suggestion to you, work on your sobriety for a bit before pondering the great questions. Also watch Richard Dawkins biography of Charles Darwin, its beautiful, and might help you focus a bit, and if you're feeling very open to ideas, his BBC special "The God Delusion".
It will make you a bit uncomfortable but it will give you a few things to think about. You mentioned fear of enternity in hell, which is very valid and something i struggled with. When i had my children I wanted to bring them to church and then i remembered all the fears that came with church, the beliefs in spirits and monsters and demons that were out to get you, and the only protection you had was God, but he is also very jealous and if you don't worship him correctly, or if the devil tricks you, you'll burn in hellfire.
I didn't want to push that on my kids...
and also a line from the Tim Minchin Song 'if you open your mind too much, your brain will fall out.'
"if anyone can show me just one example in the history of the world of a single Spiritual or religious person who has been able to prove either logically or empirically the existence of a higher power that has any consciousness or interest in the human race or ability to punish or reward humans for there moral choices or that there is any reason - other than fear - to believe in any version of an afterlife"
Happy Hunting
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