ElegantlyWasted

Any suggestions on how to pick a good one? I'm thinking someone with some good 5 yrs plus under their belt? Or.. Are there more important things to consider?

Jfanagle

I have always felt that if you spend some time in meetings where there is a good amount of sharing about recovery, in other words what it is like now, then you will hear someone who "has what you want" and then it is a matter of asking, "what they did" to get the results.

A sponsor worth their salt should also let you know if they are a good fit as you begin the relationship, and if they aren't what you need they should help you find a better fit.

Over the years I have been on both sides of that relationship and honest communication and diligent effort to work together usually will yield the desired result.

Good luck,
Jon

gunther84

Jfanagle siad it right. Try to find someone you can talk with and feel comfortable with. If you chose someone and you realize its not working, then tell them and try t0o find another sponsor. I made the mistake of trying to stick it out with a sponsor I was not comfortable with, and in the end I was just wasting both of our time.

TimD

I had no idea how many years my sponsor had when I asked him. I knew it was at least a few. I put it off for about a month and then decided I wanted to find someone that was living the program and had some serenity and confidence about their life. That's what I wanted. That is what I used to have before alcoholism. When I found a guy that was as close as possible I asked. Turns out my sponsor has 24 years.

tomsteve

when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

Elisabeth888

I would like to echo the "having what you want" thing. I like calm, serene, happy people. My sponsor is married and has been for over thirty years, so I like that too.

quitforme79

I was at a meeting one night, spoke w a woman for a few minutes & asked her to be my sponser... My gut (or God) just made me ask her. And she's wonderful & I'm so grateful because its not always that easy! You'll find someone who suits you

Elisabeth888

I had a sponsor last year that screamed and yelled at me. It was awful. I had to let her go.

wiscsober

I've had several sponsors and have sponsored people also.

Knowing what I know now, I'd suggest to write out what you are looking for in a sponsor. I guess what is your ideal "sponsor." Of course be flexible, but remember sponsee/sponsor is a mutual relationship with set boundaries.

What do you want: help working the steps? Study literature? Someone to call? More of a detached relationship? Or friendship?

As a sponsor I want newcomers to move quickly through the first 3 steps and start working on the 4th within a month.

My relationship with my sponsor today is two way, I tend to sponsor him on Alanon issues, as he does me with AA and secular beliefs.

Most important to me is setting boundaries: no one sponsor/sponsee has any business messing with another's family, wife/husband, finances, employment, housing, etc.

Keep it simple...study the steps and literature, do service work together.

LadyinBC

I think it is really important to sit down and talk about what yours/theirs expectations are. That way there is no miscommunication. There are things a sponsor can do for you and things they can't. It's important that you are both on the same page.

wiscsober

exactly what I'm talking about...seek out someone with emotional sobriety instead of being dry.

It was very healthy of you to do that.

I think AAers should go to Alanon to learn how to be AA sponsors!!!

Boleo

Time spent not-drinking is a good indicator of strong recovery. Someone who has completed the steps is a better indicator. However, someone who has had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps is what the 12th step says is required.

ElegantlyWasted

I almost think I need to be screamed and yelled at !
I mostly prefer things to be calm and rational....
Not sure my head is on straight yet....

fantail

Oh man. This is my nightmare scenario as I'm investigating AA... I recognize that there's always a risk because these are just good people helping others out, not therapists, so they might not know how to handle every situation. I just feel way too vulnerable right now to deal with 'breaking up' with a sponsor!

aasharon90

I get what I need from those who have
what I want. Honesty, stability, kindness,
admiration, serenity, commitment, faith.

The word EMULATE comes to mind.....

When you emulate someone, you imitate them,
especially with the idea of matching their success.

When someone is impressive because of their
great skills, brains, strength, or accomplishments,
others will emulate. To emulate is to imitate and
model yourself after someone. People emulate
role models — people they want to be like.


I emulated one special lady from the beginning
of my recovery 22yrs ago. Today I continue to
emulate many others who continue to share their
own expierneces, strengths and hopes of what their
their life was and is like before, during and after
alcohol. Their Openmindedness, willingness and
most of all, their honesty and strength to stay
sober each day incorporating tools of a recovery
program in their everyday affairs.