What kind of support do you receive from your non-alcoholic spouse?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: West Texas
Posts: 4
What kind of support do you receive from your non-alcoholic spouse?
Hello, I am new here and am feeling lonely and detached from my husband, and just need to talk outloud. I am now 5 months sober, which I am very, very grateful for. I attend AA meetings 5x a week, and the fellowship and support has been vital to my recovery. But once I step outside of those rooms, I feel so, so lonely.
The conversations with my husband are nothing more substantial than "Did you get the mail" or "What's for dinner". This emotional detachment was there before, but I always blotted away those feelings with drinking. Now that the fog is lifted, I just feel...I don't know, alone. And it's just the last couple of days I started feeling it more because I'm a little hurt? sad? that he never once told me that he was proud of me. (I know, I know.....expectations and resentments!!
)
Logically I know it's crazy; that my ego wants some sort of praise or encouragement....like I'm trying to receive validation from someone outside of the rooms of AA. But emotionally, it's the greatest achievement in my life, and it still hurts when the most important person in your life seems indifferent, at least outwardly.
I was reading on an Al-Anon board, and someone said something to the effect, "I don't know why they get chips....Why should they be rewarded for doing what they're already supposed to be doing?!"
Yikes! Is that really what normie spouses think? He has not attended any Al-Anon meetings, but after reading more about the program, I'm wondering if it would even be a good thing!! :/ Based on what I read, they talk about "the best thing you can do is help yourself" or to teach skills of ”Detachment and Responsibility for Self". I understand they need tools of their own - especially if I were to relapse - but to me it sounds like the program is mostly about "self". Whereas in our marriage, I can't imagine it getting any more detached than it already is! We live in the same house (not even in the same bedroom) and co-parent our children....that's about it!
Anyway, thanks for listening. Sometimes just saying something and getting if off my chest helps take some of its power away.
The conversations with my husband are nothing more substantial than "Did you get the mail" or "What's for dinner". This emotional detachment was there before, but I always blotted away those feelings with drinking. Now that the fog is lifted, I just feel...I don't know, alone. And it's just the last couple of days I started feeling it more because I'm a little hurt? sad? that he never once told me that he was proud of me. (I know, I know.....expectations and resentments!!
) Logically I know it's crazy; that my ego wants some sort of praise or encouragement....like I'm trying to receive validation from someone outside of the rooms of AA. But emotionally, it's the greatest achievement in my life, and it still hurts when the most important person in your life seems indifferent, at least outwardly.
I was reading on an Al-Anon board, and someone said something to the effect, "I don't know why they get chips....Why should they be rewarded for doing what they're already supposed to be doing?!"
Yikes! Is that really what normie spouses think? He has not attended any Al-Anon meetings, but after reading more about the program, I'm wondering if it would even be a good thing!! :/ Based on what I read, they talk about "the best thing you can do is help yourself" or to teach skills of ”Detachment and Responsibility for Self". I understand they need tools of their own - especially if I were to relapse - but to me it sounds like the program is mostly about "self". Whereas in our marriage, I can't imagine it getting any more detached than it already is! We live in the same house (not even in the same bedroom) and co-parent our children....that's about it!
Anyway, thanks for listening. Sometimes just saying something and getting if off my chest helps take some of its power away.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Some spouses see and feel it as losing their drinking buddy. Some feel that it is about damn time and some as it is already way too late.... Some are alcoholic and recovering themselves, some cannot comprehend alcoholism and/or see it terms of morality and such... Some alcoholics sober up and see their spouse differently as well as their relationship...
So many ways this can express... And no, I don't get any support from my spouse, but she wouldn't see it that way, LOL...
So many ways this can express... And no, I don't get any support from my spouse, but she wouldn't see it that way, LOL...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 129
My wife doesn't get alcoholism. She just knows that I've been trying and failing at quitting. Luckily she's stuck with me and supports my decision not to drink. That said, she can't understand why I can't just go out and have 1 or 2.
As far as your emotional detachment, this was likely the case while you were still drinking. The only problem solved by quitting is your alcohol problem. Your life will still have all of the other problems you had before (sans the falling down drunk part) but now you'll have to deal with them without booze.
I've been going on occasion to therapy with my wife. It's helpful and healing some of the mess my drinking has caused. Perhaps this could help you too?
As far as your emotional detachment, this was likely the case while you were still drinking. The only problem solved by quitting is your alcohol problem. Your life will still have all of the other problems you had before (sans the falling down drunk part) but now you'll have to deal with them without booze.
I've been going on occasion to therapy with my wife. It's helpful and healing some of the mess my drinking has caused. Perhaps this could help you too?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I am speaking from the perspective of the wife (ex now) of the alcoholic and one of the things missing from the list of possible reasons for your spouse not getting it/praising you/being detached that one poster listed is this:
- when you were under the influence you undoubtedly said and did things that hurt/worried/confused your spouse. I stayed with my ex a long time and he went through periods of sobriety and I was always on eggshells, holding my breath, afraid to hope that this was for real and open up because I was constantly being hurt and disappointed by his broken promises and lies etc...
Maybe your husband doesn't want to rock the boat or say too much or be in your face too much and is trying to keep things low key to support you. Maybe he has been in the position of wondering "what next?" with you for a long time and much as he is proud of your 5 months, is hesitant to be too hopeful.
He could be protecting his own feelings...
Congrats on your hard work and maybe just as it would benefit your spouse to attend AA and get it from your side of the street, maybe you could go to al anon and hear from that group of folks what it's been like to walk in our shoes?
Just a thought.
I still like to read on this board from time to time to try and have a better understanding of the other sides experience/feelings and I hope my offering my thoughts here is not taken as negative.
I have no idea what it's like to be an alcoholic and it sounds like you are really committed to health for yourself and that's a great accomplishment.
Maybe it's just too soon for your husband to be able to trust that it's for real?
- when you were under the influence you undoubtedly said and did things that hurt/worried/confused your spouse. I stayed with my ex a long time and he went through periods of sobriety and I was always on eggshells, holding my breath, afraid to hope that this was for real and open up because I was constantly being hurt and disappointed by his broken promises and lies etc...
Maybe your husband doesn't want to rock the boat or say too much or be in your face too much and is trying to keep things low key to support you. Maybe he has been in the position of wondering "what next?" with you for a long time and much as he is proud of your 5 months, is hesitant to be too hopeful.
He could be protecting his own feelings...
Congrats on your hard work and maybe just as it would benefit your spouse to attend AA and get it from your side of the street, maybe you could go to al anon and hear from that group of folks what it's been like to walk in our shoes?
Just a thought.
I still like to read on this board from time to time to try and have a better understanding of the other sides experience/feelings and I hope my offering my thoughts here is not taken as negative.
I have no idea what it's like to be an alcoholic and it sounds like you are really committed to health for yourself and that's a great accomplishment.
Maybe it's just too soon for your husband to be able to trust that it's for real?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
My marriage relationship fundamentally changed after I got sober. Many of the issues that I just let go or would drink over resurfaced and I had to deal with them. I had to decide if I even still wanted to be with this person as a sober man.
Lots of things changed when I stopped drinking.
Lots of things changed when I stopped drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Two Part Harmony by Patrick Morley is a great couples communication book which was really good for my wife and I. It is Christian based, but not 'preachy'. It is to be read together, and has short 30 minute sessions. You can find it online.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: ma
Posts: 242
Do you talk to him about your recovery? Or the way it makes you feel to be sober? I get very anxious and edgy and stressed sometimes. I try to talk to my busbNd and he doesn't always get it but he does try to listen. I do Know that if I do not express to him what's going on inside me he couldnt possibly begin to understand d my challenges.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
we get chips to show the newcomer it works, but many people let it inflate their ego, which is counterproductive to sobriety for an alcoholic who already has a huge ego with an inferiority complex!
What's your sponsor say about all of this?
What's your sponsor say about all of this?
urban chicken
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 94
My husband is the same way. Though a very loving and kind man, he rarely congratulated me on two previous tries at sobriety. His ambivalence was one of the many excuses I used to pick up again.
This time I decided that I don't need his congratulations, I'm doing this for me. Why should he atta-girl me for acting like a normal human being? The only reward I am seeking now is a happy, healthy, sober self. :-)
It is nice to know your husband cares, and I completely understand how you feel. Placing expectations on other people or being upset when they don't acknowledge your progress can lead you down the road of negativity. "If they don't care, why should I?", and it just gets worse from there. BTDT.
I hope I don't seem harsh...take it one day at a time and things will fall into place. Be proud of yourself!
ETA: welcome and :hugs: :-)
This time I decided that I don't need his congratulations, I'm doing this for me. Why should he atta-girl me for acting like a normal human being? The only reward I am seeking now is a happy, healthy, sober self. :-)
It is nice to know your husband cares, and I completely understand how you feel. Placing expectations on other people or being upset when they don't acknowledge your progress can lead you down the road of negativity. "If they don't care, why should I?", and it just gets worse from there. BTDT.
I hope I don't seem harsh...take it one day at a time and things will fall into place. Be proud of yourself!
ETA: welcome and :hugs: :-)
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