Justfor1

Well its been about a week of returning to drinking & it's bad. I guzzling bottles of vodka & not eating. I ran my car up a 2foot curb because I was in a blackout. I fell down & sprained my wrist while running away from the scene. Been to the emergency room & walked out with my IV. Threatened to beat up a neighbor. Broke up with my girlfriend & stole from a family member. I am not suicidal but I am not afraid to die. I just don't know why I do this to myself. It is very sick.

cutie

Justfor..
Thank God you are still alive...stop drinking go to a mtg and call your sponsor..you can do it..

soberclover

You do this to yourself because you are an alcoholic...and a good one. I hope that you decide to get sober before a judge decides that you are going to because you are in jail for hurting or killing someone during a blackout. We all hit a bottom at some point. It does sound like your life sucks right now but you can change this by getting yourself to a meeting, or reaching out for treatment/detox. Clearly you've utilized SR before and it must have helped you as you are posting again. Please keep posting! You can stop drinking.....it is possible...you did it before.

jkb

Justfor1-
I am really sorry to hear all of this. It is a huge reminder to me of exactly where I would be if I were to pick up again. Are you done? That was the question that I had to ask myself. You are definitely not alone... You are probably not thinking all too clearly right now. Definitely dont hurt yourself. Jess

Busby56

Yeah, definitely not alone! I was in similar shape only a week ago. Scraped & bruised myself up good when I wiped out on my bicycle (which would be weird enough if I was still young, but I'm in my mid-50s).

doggonecarl

You claim to be AA. Your problem is described in the Big Book. So is the solution.

Time to go back through the steps.

Justfor1

The worst part is now I have to fix my car. I nearly totaled it & had to get a private tow truck to take it off the fence. I got a ticket for "leaving the scene" as well.

bbthumper

THis is not meant to be sarcastic, but a sincere question. Do you want to be done drinking?

cutie

Work the first step!

Justfor1

That is a good question. I want to minimize the consequences of my drinking/using. I feel "normal" when I'm drunk. I want to be done with feeling like crap. I want to be done with stealing & being a public menace. I really feel like I do not fit in with normal people. Something is seriously wrong & alcoholism is only part of it.

bbthumper

I think many of us can relate to that feeling. If I could have drank with no consequences, Id still be out there. Alcohol was definitely my "medicine." It made my skin fit right. Made the world around me easier to deal with. The problem is it was destroying me and those I love. I had to find a new answer, because alcohol was no longer an effective way to feel "normal." These are feelings of which I have heard countless alcoholics speak. Recovered or not.
Perhaps alcoholism is what is wrong, and drinking is only a small part of your alcoholism?
The Big Book tells us we can have no lurking notion that we can ever drink normally again. Are you convinced that is true?

terribob

I'm afraid you're past that. Drinking to you much like to many of us here has consequences. You can't keep drinking without facing those.

If you want to be productive, get some support and please quit drinking.

Seren

I'm very sorry to hear that you think THIS is the worst part. You really are worth more than this, JF1.

StevenT

You have the knowledge. You have the experience. What you need is the willingness.

I pray no serious wreckage has to be created to give you the willingness. No ones life has to end, especially yours.

"that feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear"... The 9th step promises

Sudz No More

You know what JF1? I remember how upset you became when your past continued to interfere with your present. Forget about the Bull around you and just focus on yourself. You've got to get mad at these moments but not in such a destructive way. Take the high road, don't wallow in self pity because no one is going to follow you there. Instead, let these unpleasant circumstances inspire you to rise above it and laugh as you look back at it.

Get sober again and get back at rebuilding all you worked for in the last year. The work you did is still there, just pick up where you left off and forget about this hiccup.

It's just another bump in the road of recovery but only if you let it be just another bump. Don't build it into an unmovable mound.

Turn around buddy, do yourself a favor. Do us a favor, get back on track and start living again. All my hopes for a safe return.

JBird100

JF1
I don't know what it is about alcoholics and self-sabotage. You'd think with all the consequences we'd stop, however, I kept on drinking. Umpteen times in jail and umpteen rehabs and I would still drink. Absolutely bewildering. I've got 3 months and I've been having urges. I ride out the urge and boy do I feel better for not going down that path. Every time I don't cave, I feel a bit stronger. It's good you posted because you've helped me. I thank you. I can also relate to being a whack job when I drink. Right now I have a healthy fear of using. Thanks again.

Justfor1

Suds, I want to let the past go but society does not. I am clearly a alcoholic & drug addict. I no longer believe that I am a sick person. I believe that I'm a criminal who does not belong with society. I think most alcoholics are way too easy on themselves & use that "disease concept" as a way to make themselves feel better. I no longer wish to be part of mainstream society. I'm done seeking employment. I am a failure at life.

Hevyn

Justfor1 - I had the same sort of things happen every time I picked up. In the end, there was no control - and no telling what kind of chaos might occur if I drank. I had dui's and a long list of awful results of my drinking. I knew I should stop, but I just couldn't let go of it - or of the thought that it could somehow be fun and manageable again one day! Once I gave up on that fantasy I began to heal. I can't touch it - it means to kill me.

Here's where it can end - you never have to go back to crazyland again. Honestly, we think we're losing something - but it's such a huge relief to be done with it! There is life after alcohol. A life that's not filled with danger or uncertainty. We know you can do this, JF1.

Carlotta

Have you had enough yet?
If you do not believe in the disease concept then don't go back to AA, try AVRT instead but do something before you hurt yourself or someone else seriously. Hating your own guts is not going to make your life any better.
Good luck.

deeker

That's right and I agree with a couple of others that if you are AA, that the answers are right in the book. Have you read it? Yes when I put the drink down I still had to face the other 2 folds of my disease. The Spiritual Malady and the Mental obsession. The two things that were the cause of me picking up the drink which once taken started the phenomenon of craving. I don't think I am an alcoholic cuz I drank to much. I think I drank because I am an alcoholic. Irritable, restless and discontent. It's all in the book.

A.A. Recovery - The Missing Piece: The Spiritual Malady

Linked With Permission of AA World Services,inc.