Castle545

I have learned that I absolutely cannot take that first drink ever again. I cannot control myself and alcohol wins every time. I went two weeks without drinking anything and then totally lost it this weekend. I'm so ashamed and I wanted to be the person that could control my drinking but I just can't. And now I feel like a horrible person. I hope that I always remember the way I feel right now so I never do this to myself again. I felt great when I went the two weeks without drinking. I don't understand why I do this to myself. Any advice or support is appreciated. I will be checking in every day, recommitting myself to sober living.

Platypus

Don't beat yourself up - there's no shame in mistakes if you learn from them.

What you have learned is that something in your attempt to stop drinking before wasn't working, so you need to rethink your sobriety plan. Maybe a part of you thought you could gp back to "moderate drinking", and you needed this slip to show you absolutely can't?

Don't feel like the two weeks were "wasted" - every day you don't drink gives your body a chance to start healing, so just put this slip-up behind you and re-double your commitment to not drinking.

Try to keep yourself busy in relatively non-taxing ways for the first few days - watch movies, especially comedies, play online games (there's a good site I go to here: Games Online), eat good food, drink lots of water, take vitamins, go for walks.

You can do it, and don't let one set back stop you.

Castle545

Thank you so much for your reply! Yes, I know that I had myself convinced that I could moderate my drinking considering I fairly easily went two weeks without drinking. I even went to a party where everyone else was drinking and I just had water. I need to stop fooling myself because time and again, I have proven that I can't drink "just a few" once I get started. I even tell myself that I know that I need to stop while I'm doing it and can't seem to do it. I'm a little queasy today, mostly mental I think, but still made myself being gym clothes so I can get a workout in at lunch. The sooner I get back on track, the sooner I can put this weekend behind me...never to be repeated again!!!

HellJuice

This is why alcoholism is so killer. U drink and feel bad about it so you find a way to ease the pain by picking up the bottle again. Lather rinse repeat. They should just make it illegal.

ElegantlyWasted

Sounds like you're in the right place... Welcome. My only advice is come up with some sort of plan and roll with. If you would like suggestions, just ask and the Choir will chime in

Castle545

Thank you for your notes! I've spent a lot of time today thinking about how much I don't like who I am when I'm drinking and writing down all of the pros for quitting now. I am committing to checking in on SR every day for the next 30 days. While I don't feel comfortable discussing with my family the extent of my struggle, I have let me husband know that I am not happy with my drinking and he will be supporting me with not drinking. I know that I cannot continue this way...I feel a lot of shame and remorse but also hope after seeing what a lot of other people on this site have gone through. I think the first real test will be at a BBQ this weekend. I am sure that there will be alcohol there and am already planning to take my tea jug with me. I really don't crave alcohol that much until I take that first drink so will be avoiding that at all costs. I just have to keep reminding myself that I cannot stop drinking once I start and the hour of buzzed bliss goes away very fast when slamming down shots, usually in private so no one realizes how much I'm actually drinking. Even on a "happy drunk" night, the cost of continuing this way is too high. I want to be the best mom and wife I possibly can and that just isn't going to happen when I am blato. Thanks again and I'm always open to hearing what may have worked for you or thoughts on the steps I am taking. I really think SR is going to be a great tool for me as I become a sober, healthier, happy me.

littlefish

I tell myself things like: if I had heart disease would I beat myself up about it? Of course I wouldn't. But I used to beat myself up with self-hatred, guilt and shame over my drinking. Now I am kinder to myself because I know that my reaction to alcohol is not normal, that my body and brain cannot process alcohol normally.

Whether you want to call it a disease, an addiction, an allergic reaction, an inherited genetic abnormality or all of them together, it doesn't matter. You are NOT a horrible person.
As others have suggested, a program is always extremely helpful.

doggonecarl

Why test yourself this early in recovery?

Recovery means change, and sometimes that change must occur in the social activities we engage in. When I first quit, not being around alcohol was one of the first changes I put in place.

You may feel otherwise.

We have a long summer coming up. Lot's of BBQs you can go to when you have a couple of solid weeks of recovery under your belt.

Castle545

LittleFish - I wanted to say thank you for your note as it really helped me to look at my trouble with drinking from a different perspective. I have been thinking that if only I was stronger and had more will power that I could be like the people who are able to drink a few, have fun, and go home with little negative results. Thinking of it in the terms of a disease definitely hit home. I will never be like those people and to keep trying is just having disasterous results. Your note also drove home that this will also have to be a permanent attitude for me. I am looking into a program that will work for me as I know I can't go this alone. Thank you, again!

TiredWolf

I hear you Castle, came close to relapsing again this weekend.

I mean I was parked outside the liquor store ringing my hands.

Glad I didn't, it's not worth going through withdrawal again and I'm almost at the point I'm afraid I'll have a seizure etc.

I know where you're at, it's tough. Hang in there.

Castle545

TiredWolf - Thank you for sharing. It was so hard to come to this point and it helps knowing that there are others who have been here and made it through. I am so glad you didn't relapse and look forward to telling you the same thing about me next week!

Dee74

Welcome back Castle

I agree with Carl tho I'm afraid - if you want change you need to make change.
Maybe your recovery needs to be more important than a BBQ?

D

Castle545

Thank you both, Dee and Carl. Yes, I do agree with you both and have given my regrets that I will not be attending this weekend. I honestly don't want the temptation. I feel great about my decision to be sober today but know that being around it is a test that I don't need. It will be even harder to resist after I'm recovered from this weekend's binge and my mind starts playing those tricks telling me that I can stop at just a few. Of course I want to be able to handle going to a BBQ but that's better saved until later. That's why I had to send my regrets today, rather than waiting until closer to the weekend. Thanks again. Having everyone's support and advice has been huge for me today. I've spent a lot of my day on the site reading up on the different programs and other people's stories instead of grabbing a drink so I wouldn't have to deal with the hangover.

Castle545

Day #2 and still feeling strong in my choice to stay sober. Last night we had dinner with the in-laws. They unexpectedly pulled out the wine for dinner. Before anyone could put any in my glass, I quickly filled it with soda and said no, thank you. I was surprised that it was as easy as it was and, though I did get she raised eyebrows, it really didn't seem that big of a deal. I still a bit off from the weekend but definitely feeling better today. Hope everyone has a great day!

Castle545

Day #3...yesterday was a bit tough. My husband and I got into an argument and I realized just how much I want to grab a drink when things aren't going well. I really didn't think that I got many cravings between binges but I did yesterday. We worked through it though and I didn't drink and at the end of the day, I was able to see that not only did I overreact to the argument itself, I also did just fine working it out without any alcohol. Yay! Have a great day everyone!!

Busby56

Day 4 here, and I darned near broke my "long" stretch last night. Crummy day at work, wife & daughter bickering when I got home, carpenter ant infestation in the wood of my porch...well, you get the picture.

I was able to hold strong, just barely. Hopped on my bike and went for a ride; that helped clear my head a little. But wow, it is TOUGH.

Castle545

Busby - Congratulations on Day 4! Thanks for your note. It really helps to know I'm not the only one who is feeling this way! I went and cleaned the heck out of the bathroom to distract me and it definitely worked. I live in Oregon and its getting nicer every day so the bike will soon be an option for me as well. Hang in there and I look forward to hearing about how you're doing in the future!

kellyg

Hey Castle - I just read your posts and wanted to wish you good luck on your journey. I too am a mother (one great 7 yr old) and wife and your story reminded me of me. I am just past six weeks sober - had a slip 6 weeks ago and jumped back on the wagon. I was thinking earlier today that I've had one night of drinking in three months - that is incredible for me! I want to be their for my son too and although it's been hard sticking with sobriety its also had its rewards with waking up without a hangover, being "present" with my son and husband, no feelings of guilt or shame or horror over not knowing what I did/say the night before. But alcoholism is an insiduous beast - this weekend was by far the hardest in the 12 weeks I've been working on my sobriety. The AV talk in my head has been running rampant. I think this means I need to commit myself even more to battling this and I think all of us need to conciously re-commit to sobriety when we see ourselves beginning to go down that slippery slope.

I wish you the best

Castle545

Thank you Kelly! Congratulations on 6 weeks!!! I look forward to being able to say the same. I feel so committed this go around and know that I don't want to go back to the drunk anxiety ridden person of the past. This site is so wonderful and I love hearing from others that have been where I am and are overcoming! I expect there will be many hard times in the future where it will be difficult to not give in, but I know we can do it!

Deckard

Castle and Busby, re tough days 3 and 4.... I felt agitated and emotionally "raw" on those days, like every little thing was frustrating and difficult to no end. I told myself that it would pass, that it was similar to some painful dental procedure: thoroughly unpleasant, but not permanent discomfort, and very necessary for my health. That kind of helped get me through it, and within a few days I was really on my way.... Congrats on your progress so far and hang tough.