Harden1313

Hey everyone. Needed to get this off my chest. 9 months sober right now and things have been okay...ups and downs but pretty steady towards recovery, that is until this past couple weeks. My wife is a normal drinker, except that when she does drink she sometimes has a bit more than she can handle and can, though not always, make a fool out of herself. Well, we live in Virginia and she had to go to Florida for training with the service. I'm here with three kids, I'm a stay at home dad, and I have two teens staying with me while their mom is looking for a house. They have been here for a month now. I talked with her about going out drinking when she was down there because I was feeling pretty worried that she would get typsy and do something stupid. She has been unfaithful before and I have a lot of trust issues because of that. She promised she wouldn't and planned to study hard etc etc. Well I talked with her at 9 or so and she said she was on drink two, would be the DD around midnight when they left and she would call me first thing when she got back to her room. Well.....five hours later at 3 in the morning she finally answered her phone. Drunk as hell and told me she had made a fool out of herself and puked everywhere. My disease is working overtime on me now. I haven't had a single day until today in the last 9 months that I had wanted to drink. I'm beyond frustrated and feel completely lied to and disrespected. She went on to blame me for her drunkenness saying that she drank because I was on her case.....about not going out drinking! Ugh.....now I can't sleep and I'm going to be a mess in a few hours when the kids get up. Insert swear words here:

Dee74

Hi Harden

we men want to fix things, sort things out and move on. Sometimes tho we have to wait.

There's not much you can do until your wife and you are in the same room to talk it out.

I'm not excusing your wife, but I know many times I had every intent of staying sober and didn't. It's what drinkers like us do - I expect it happens to normal drinkers too.

D

visch1

Hi. my knee jerk response is AL-ANON for you. Years of being around has shown that working with family on this issue is mostly fruitless. In similar situations I had to look at my issue of control and work on that and stay away from that first drink. The success was me not drinking. BE WELL

Nevertheless

Drinking won't solve a thing here. It will only make matters worse.
If you stay sober you can set an example,and show her you are better.
If you get drunk,you will in a way be doing the same thing she is.

Hang in there and lead by setting an example.
Fred

Harden1313

I know drinking won't solve anything. I think what frustrates me, aside from worrying about her and being lied to is that when I drank and screwed up I had to come clean the follwing day and apologize. I always saw that I had a choice between digging myself deeper or saying I was wrong. I didn't get into much trouble thankfully but when I did, even if I thought I was right, I would suck it up and try and make things better. What I am realizing here is that when I screw up it is my fault...and when she screws up it is also my fault.

Grymt

Ah yes the old conundrum all men face at some time in their lives.''If I spoke in the middle of a forest with no woman around to hear me, am I still wrong.'' I don't know, but I have learnt that I can't fix anyone else but myself.

2granddaughters

If you believe that quote you will continue to be disappointed and resentful.

It sounds like you have a decision to make.

All the best.

Bob R

Harden1313

Hahaha....me thinks that her line of defense wouldn't have worked if I had tried it when I got my DUI or when I puked at her office party. "Um....er....I uh only drank that much because you were...uh...bugging me so much about stuff..."

The message I get is clear. If I get upset about anything I am going to pay by the pound so my choices are to either keep my mouth shut while she does whatever she wants or speak up and pay a higher price. Can I get a high five for marriage!! Woo Hoo!

Harden1313

I know where you are coming from and I appreciate it. I think though we alcoholics have a tendency to see drinking problems where they are not sometimes. She drinks once or twice a month and only has one to three glasses of wine depending on what is going on. Once every six months or so she drinks more than she intends and gets sloppy. No disrespect but she isn't an alcoholic.

DAB

She doesn't sound like a normal drinker, she sounds like someone in the early stages of progressive alcoholism.
If she were a normal drinker, you would have no concern of her ever overdoing it.
And the fact that she blames you for it... I'm just saying...

Harden1313

Well I'm not going to argue the point too much, but I will say that that is a heavy charge to lay at someone's feet based on one paragraph, second handed at that, in a forum. As her husband of 11 years I can easily say, with a clear heart, that she is not an alcoholic. She binges a few times a year and could fit the mold for an alcohol abuser from time to time but both of those are country miles away from being an alcoholic. Not everyone that acts the fool when drinking is an alcoholic....we need look no further than pages 20-21 in the Big Book to learn that. As for blaming, an sorry ladies, that's a pretty typical trait for the ladies. Backed into a corner and it's the guy's fault. She would rather die fighting then give up and that goes for everything from how to fold laundry to the best route to our favorite steak house.

Aside from that side track, her issue is with owning up to things when she is the cause of why they went south. My issue is with how I let that effect me. It's hard right now because with her gone I can't make meetings. I have had some buds bring a meeting to the house and my sponsor comes over here and there but my nightly meeting/centering hour is on hold until she gets back.

2granddaughters

No disrespect but please re-read your original post.

Infidelity, binge drinking, broken promises, unpredictable behavior etc......

It's your call. All the best.

Bob R

Skyhawk172

+1

Use whatever labels one wants, but it definitely sounds like there are some issues there. I attempted to stay in a similar situation. My life only got better than I got out of it and stopped participating in the "race towards the bottom."

sugarbear1

Try not relying on meetings to keep you sober. Meetings help us find a sponsor who guides us through the steps which is how we begin a relationship with a power greater than us. Rely on your higher power!

The medical community is adding binge drinking to it's definition of Alcoholism and will be in the newly published DSM. It's not how much or how often we drink that makes one an alcoholic.

Focus on you, not your wife and keep strong and stay stopped! I wish you well on your sober journey!

MeFree

I have to agree. Sadly, this sounds like me in the "early stages" Truth was, I was drinking a whole lot more than my husband knew, the times he saw me "sloppy drunk" was when I lost control and slipped up hiding it. Hope this isn't the case, but sure sounds familiar. I have been single since sober, but often wonder how hard it would be to be married to a regular drinker. Not saying it can't work or doesn't, I honestly don't know, just something I wonder about as I have began dating again.

grateful850

Are you guys saying anyone who gets drunk is an alcoholic? I trust hardens opinion of his wife.

Harden1313

Hahaha, I am pretty familiar with the subject of alcoholism. Also my sponsor is as well. Coupling that with 14 years with the woman and I can tell ya I feel pretty confident with my opinion. She got drunk and had to be baby sat like a stupid 20 year old. I'm flipping pissed but I have spent this whole thread defending her from a label of alcoholism for some reason instead of hearing a solid message of recovery for myself. She is a binge drinker and tends to over shoot her mark once every few months. I could crack out my DSM and see where she scores but I don't have to. She's an idiot...not an alcoholic. She broke a promise and is downplaying the heck out of it because she doesn't like her toes to the fire but she isn't a drunk.

Anyway, I wrote her a few long emails, deleted half of the content before I sent them off and things are on the mend. I can't control her actions and she will do what she will do. I have to work my ass of though and try to get closer to that little zen garden in my mind instead of going bat sh*t crazy by thinking of it all day. Got out to a meeting tonight, talked with my sponsor and I have a group of people from my homegroup coming by with a meeting for me here at the house tomorrow night. Started some exercising at night and just generally trying to realize what I can and can't control. Can't make her change. Can keep from making it worse. Can't read her mind. Can make a really nice smoked pulled pork tomorrow for the meeting and go hiking this weekend.

MeFree

I think you have absouletly the right attitude about living day by day ....that's how we do it , and the serentiy prayer says it all as far as what you can and cannot do. I think the responses you got were just concern for you as you are new in your recovery, dealing with a spouse who gets drunk. None of us know her, and my reply that it sounded alot like me , was just honest. I applaud you for reaching out and holding on to your support system and keeping yourself sober. Hope the rest of your week is good!