callmemilly

I really wish I could drink tonight. It's been tough all day. I have a mild chest injury also, muscle pull, which meant I had to go to the grocery store 3 x yesterday and today because I can only pick up little things at a time. They all have liqour store in them. It was tough. It is tough.

There's no reason I can think of, I am okay, not anxious, not running from anything (which often leads me to drink). It is just the craving. When there is no reason, that's when I think - addiction. It scares me alot. I hate the fact the feeling is there because I feel like I'm not in control of it. To crave it like that means I'm not in control.

And it's so crazy because I can write that and at the exact same time I just want to drink and feel like what's the big deal. 2 beers. Except I always want more, the last time I did that, 10pm they're gone and I'm considering drinking cooking wine. I didn't but it's pathetic I was that desperate for more.

I drink alone usually. I'm still not sure I can get through the night.

I feel frustrated too because I feel alone with it too. And for some reason that makes it worse. Like I am lucky that I haven't had some of the worst experiences that others have, haven't hit that point, so if I were to try to access any support in the city, I feel like I am not bad enough. So then it's like well what the hell, might as well have a drink.

I hate it. Anyway I guess I'm rambling, thanks for reading.

GoodFortune

I can totally relate to the feeling that one isn`t in bad enough shape to reach out for help, I have felt that I was too high functioning, untill I wasn`t. This is one of the instances where it is really better to be safe than sorry, because the addiction will usually escalate if you just ignore it. It is a disease, and if left unattended it will get worse. I wish that I had reached out for help sooner. I haven`t ever reached the point where I drank every day or alone, but a lot of social drinking, and every time I would end up pretty much the drunkest. I could never take one beer, and that was definately a warning sign for me. I`ve been one week sober and I feel like such a **** for letting it get to this point. I have started to feel the physical effects of it, and definately the mental anguish.

I wish you all the best and hope that you reach out for some kind of help, because you will find that there are a lot of people in your exact position.

callmemilly

Hi GoodFortune, thanks. Congratulations on making it this far. I'm doing better today, after I posted it helped.

I did a few weeks ago call an addiction centre here but the conversation was just really awkward and awful when I hung up it just didn't feel like a good option. I think it was after that I joined the forum.

Anyway I am better today.

visch1

Welcome and hang in there. For me the easy way out proved to be AA, even if I didn't want to. Another way out was looking at how some alcoholics progress with drinking. Choking on my vomit wasn't appealing to me either. AA showed me the path to sobriety and some sanity. Simple not easy for some but years later it's worth it. BE WELL