FoolTurnedWise

Hi everyone.

My wife drinks. She drinks every day, but not huge amounts (probably abut 1-1.5 bottles of wine every day). She used to be a heavier drinker. She's been doing this ever since we first met, 12 years ago.

She has some behaviors that I don't like, and I am wondering if it is alcohol related. Since I have been reading this forum (and I used to drink myself), I suspect they might be. So are they do you think?

Here are the negative behavors (we have children)

-She goes to bed at around 1-2 pm every night. The next day she spends most of it lying on the couch. She always complains of having no energy. I try to help round the house.

-She has a terrible temper. She really loses it on the kids sometimes (and me). She apologises afterwards.

-She gets REALLY defensive when I bring up the drinking. Basically I can't talk to her about it without an argument erupting.

My hope is that if she stops drinking these behaviours will go away. Am I right? Or do you it might not be the alcohol?

soberclover

I'm drank around the same amount of wine on a daily basis....and had many similar next day behaviors and attitudes....and I'm an alcoholic. In my humble opinion, your wife is an alcoholic. However, I think you should take care of you. Please find out more information about Al-Anon. Also poke around in the family and/or relationship section here on SR where there is abundant information for you to learn how to take care of yourself.

sugarbear1

1-1.5 bottles of wine is a HUGE amount for a woman.

Is she ready to stop and stay stopped? Only she can decide that.

Have you attended an Al Anon meeting?

Tuffgirl

Welcome, foolturnedwise. Please join us on the Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum a bit further down the home page of SR. Lots of great folks there who can offer their experience, strength & hope to you.

And I agree, 1 to 1.5 bottles of wine a night is A LOT!

The behaviors you describe are common. Come join us in our forum - you'll be surprised to find your story is one shared by many. Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Peace,
~T

Johno1967

That pretty well sums me up 7 months ago. Role reversed. My wife could have written that about me.
Seven months on and is that me now? Nope. My kids and wife have noticed the change more than me. I don't do those things. I practice the 12 step principle and pretty much after step 3, all that anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, life fatigue and despair was lifted. Like a heavy dark cloak being lifted and a cloud coming away from the sun. Its not all peaches and cream. Life still has its up and downs but I'm a lot more accepting and mindful now. The damage I did after 11 years of marriage acting that way will need a lot of work to repair. But day by day and step by step I get there without forcing anything.
I'm not sure you can do much. Your wife has to want to change for herself. When she does you can definitely help. Unfortunately for me it took hitting rock bottom. I was lucky.

Steavewarner

you can take good counseling. all your problems go away.

0percentABV

I concur with Johno. I read your bullet points and was like "check, check, check." Defensive people react that way because they know they are wrong but they don't want to to face the music. Deep down I knew my drinking wasn't normal but I tried to justify it. Telling myself that I'm no different that most drinkers I know (not realizing that they too are probably alcoholics). When my wife brought it up that I drank more than she's used to, in the most cautious way possible, I tried to wave it off saying that her upbringing was damn near alcohol free so yeah, my drinking may be more frequent but nothing different than what I was brought up with (which in reality was full of alcoholics.) And in the last couple years of my drinking when it was starting to become really obvious that I was losing control I would get rudely defensive. But thinking back I was that way because I was still trying desperately to reign in control and thinking I could achieve the normalcy I thought was my past drinking, which for the most part wasn't normal at all, and having my wife shed some light on the situation only made me feel like I was failing and she was pointing it out even though she had no idea how hard I was trying to get back to some imaginary drinking style I had. So in my opinion she's defensive because she knows, she's just not ready to accept it yet and is fighting.

But for me it's only been 2 months and all those bullet points are not me anymore. Alcohol addiction isn't just about being wasted. I was so consumed with my drinking. Whether it was when I was going to drink, where am I going to drink, trying to hold back from drinking too much, trying to only drink on certain days, trying to get over the urge to drink when I promised myself I wasn't going to, trying to get past hangovers, being scared that I am an alcoholic and knowing that I have to stop but not wanting to, upset with myself that I can't drink, being upset with myself when I do drink. Heck, my last 4 months of drinking I think I was wasted like 4 times, but I wanted to get wasted almost every day. I fought myself so hard to not do it it consumed me. Alcoholism isn't about how much you drink it;s more how much you want to. And once I didn't want to anymore that's when my mood started to change. When you are consumed with this the outside world gets in the way. Anxiety sets in. Depression sets in. Kids want some juice? DAMNIT I;M TRYING TO THINK MY ALCOHOL CRAVING AWAY!! The sad part is that not even my wife and kids could convince me of this. I had to want it.

I wish you the best.