Abuse and alcohol
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 241
Abuse and alcohol
I don't know where to post this. But I need advice.... Sorry it's lengthy.*
On Friday my fiancé went out for drinks with his boss and some friends. I was having a bad day and had earlier been crying to him about feeling left out.He apologized as he left saying he felt bad leaving and he would be home soon. At 9:30 he text me he was coming home soon, I woke up at 2 and he wasn't home. I was pissed. After a few rage filled texts to him he came home. He started screaming at me about how I stayed out till 4 am one night and he never goes out. I told him to leave me alone and tried to leave the bedroom, he then pushed me pretty hard so I couldn't leave. I grabbed my phone and said I would call the cops if he didn't let me leave. I then went downstairs and slept.*
The next day he didn't apologize. He blew it off and said I had no right to be upset as he never goes out. This isn't the first time he has pushed me. But it is the first time that I have been sober and he has. Most of our fights while i have been drunk are blury. He has never gotten really physical just little things.A few shoves here and there, grabbing my arms or hands, punching walls ect.
*Everytime things got physical before I blamed myself due to my drinking. But this time is different because I remember. I told him today that I am scared of him. He said I push things until they get to a physical level and that i can't act like I am innocent. I have no one to talk to. I'm lost. Do I suggest counseling? Do I make him go? I'm doing all this work on myself and Friday brought me down to a bad level. I can't be blamed for everything forever. Yes I'm an alcoholic but I feel I am working hard to be a better person.*
On Friday my fiancé went out for drinks with his boss and some friends. I was having a bad day and had earlier been crying to him about feeling left out.He apologized as he left saying he felt bad leaving and he would be home soon. At 9:30 he text me he was coming home soon, I woke up at 2 and he wasn't home. I was pissed. After a few rage filled texts to him he came home. He started screaming at me about how I stayed out till 4 am one night and he never goes out. I told him to leave me alone and tried to leave the bedroom, he then pushed me pretty hard so I couldn't leave. I grabbed my phone and said I would call the cops if he didn't let me leave. I then went downstairs and slept.*
The next day he didn't apologize. He blew it off and said I had no right to be upset as he never goes out. This isn't the first time he has pushed me. But it is the first time that I have been sober and he has. Most of our fights while i have been drunk are blury. He has never gotten really physical just little things.A few shoves here and there, grabbing my arms or hands, punching walls ect.
*Everytime things got physical before I blamed myself due to my drinking. But this time is different because I remember. I told him today that I am scared of him. He said I push things until they get to a physical level and that i can't act like I am innocent. I have no one to talk to. I'm lost. Do I suggest counseling? Do I make him go? I'm doing all this work on myself and Friday brought me down to a bad level. I can't be blamed for everything forever. Yes I'm an alcoholic but I feel I am working hard to be a better person.*
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 177
He is physically violent and has no remorse about it. Maybe he's right and he was perfectly justified in going out, but you have every right to not get pushed around and you have every right to go wherever you damn well please, including out of a bedroom.
Get. Out. Now.
Get. Out. Now.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
"Rage filled texts"...sounds to me that this is two abusive people in an abusive relationship. No you don't need to put up with violence or take responsibility for his part, but perhaps you need to pull away and look at yourself also. Before you both get hurt.
Sorry - but I cannot abide this myth that abuse is usually one way...takes two to tango and many of us learn this the hard way.
P
Sorry - but I cannot abide this myth that abuse is usually one way...takes two to tango and many of us learn this the hard way.
P
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 177
Originally Posted by paulokes 
"Rage filled texts"...sounds to me that this is two abusive people in an abusive relationship. No you don't need to put up with violence or take responsibility for his part, but perhaps you need to pull away and look at yourself also. Before you both get hurt.
Sorry - but I cannot abide this myth that abuse is usually one way...takes two to tango and many of us learn this the hard way.
P
Sorry - but I cannot abide this myth that abuse is usually one way...takes two to tango and many of us learn this the hard way.
P
Verbal abuse is bad, but it never put anyone in the hospital or the grave.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by kiki26
This isn't the first time he has pushed me. But it is the first time that I have been sober and he has.
Get out now while you can before you marry this guy and next thing you know you have kids and you are stuck forever.
Don't settle for someone who treats you like crap. You deserve better than that. People can only treat us like crap as long as we let them. Say no and walk away.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by paulokes
Sorry - but I cannot abide this myth that abuse is usually one way...takes two to tango and many of us learn this the hard way.
P
P
Your attitude of blaming the person getting beaten because it takes two to tango, is exactly why women stay and can't get out of these relationships. People don't believe or think it is their fault. I'm hoping that this isn't really what you meant.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Physical, mental, and/or emotional ABUSE ARE NEVER 'JUSTIFIED.'
Please call you local Domestic Violence Shelter and ask for some advice. They usually can help you with counseling, legal, and even changing your housing to get away from the abuser.
I cannot condone your "a few rage filled texts" but I do understand that you are early in recovery and your emotions and feelings are all over the place and after having always dealt with them by drowning them in alcohol it is really tough now to handle them.
I won't suggest leaving him for good, however I do STRONGLY suggest that you separate for a while, so you can work solely on your recovery. Once you have a much better handle on 'living sober' you can then decide if you really want to continue to live in an atmosphere of never knowing if you will get pushed, or slapped, or hit, or strangled.
Please take care of you and be safe. Abuse usually escalates so be on your guard and be safe.
Love and hugs,
Please call you local Domestic Violence Shelter and ask for some advice. They usually can help you with counseling, legal, and even changing your housing to get away from the abuser.
I cannot condone your "a few rage filled texts" but I do understand that you are early in recovery and your emotions and feelings are all over the place and after having always dealt with them by drowning them in alcohol it is really tough now to handle them.
I won't suggest leaving him for good, however I do STRONGLY suggest that you separate for a while, so you can work solely on your recovery. Once you have a much better handle on 'living sober' you can then decide if you really want to continue to live in an atmosphere of never knowing if you will get pushed, or slapped, or hit, or strangled.
Please take care of you and be safe. Abuse usually escalates so be on your guard and be safe.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: London
Posts: 299
Kiki, you are being intimidated. Do what Laurie says and call your local shelter, if you do leave him it may be better to have someone with you but you can discuss this with them.
I've seen it happen with friends where it starts with shoving then it escalates.
I've seen it happen with friends where it starts with shoving then it escalates.
Huh?
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 474
ANY unwelcome physical touching/shoving/slapping IS physical abuse.
It will only get worse.
A slap here, a shove there. Soon he will be using your own words to intimidate you into not leaving the HOUSE, let alone your own bedroom.
If a man ever laid his hands on me (except to protect me from danger), whether it's a slap, shove, or push, whether sober or not....
If he even touched me ONCE, that's the end of the relationship for me. Period. I'd get a restraining order and stay with friends that he doesn't know.
Once is more than enough. PLEASE get out NOW. You do NOT deserve this!
It will only get worse.
A slap here, a shove there. Soon he will be using your own words to intimidate you into not leaving the HOUSE, let alone your own bedroom.
If a man ever laid his hands on me (except to protect me from danger), whether it's a slap, shove, or push, whether sober or not....
If he even touched me ONCE, that's the end of the relationship for me. Period. I'd get a restraining order and stay with friends that he doesn't know.
Once is more than enough. PLEASE get out NOW. You do NOT deserve this!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Ask yourself, "Is this relationship getting kinder, less violent, more peaceful and loving?" my guess is it's going in the opposite direction. Don't wait around for more.
"Why Does he do That?" a book by Lundy Bancroft was an eye-opener for me. You don't have to be a saint to expect an abuse-free home. In fact, you can be a downright b***every now and then and go through your entire life never getting shoved, slapped or called a name. It happens every day.
"Why Does he do That?" a book by Lundy Bancroft was an eye-opener for me. You don't have to be a saint to expect an abuse-free home. In fact, you can be a downright b***every now and then and go through your entire life never getting shoved, slapped or called a name. It happens every day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 189
Please get out as soon as you can. Stay at a friends, family members, there are also safe houses that you can find if you call a domestic violence hotline.
"He has never gotten really physical just little things.A few shoves here and there, grabbing my arms or hands, punching walls ect."
This is not normal behavior and it WILL escalate. Abuse usually progresses slowly. Any man that punches walls around you, shoves you, grabs you etc. is capable and likely to inflict more severe physical abuse. Hoping that it will stop or get better and not worse has killed many women.
Please send me a private message if you need help or advice. I never thought that my ex would ever hurt me either, and then he did. Once it escalates, and it will, it is MUCH harder to get out. Don't let it get to that point.
"He has never gotten really physical just little things.A few shoves here and there, grabbing my arms or hands, punching walls ect."
This is not normal behavior and it WILL escalate. Abuse usually progresses slowly. Any man that punches walls around you, shoves you, grabs you etc. is capable and likely to inflict more severe physical abuse. Hoping that it will stop or get better and not worse has killed many women.
Please send me a private message if you need help or advice. I never thought that my ex would ever hurt me either, and then he did. Once it escalates, and it will, it is MUCH harder to get out. Don't let it get to that point.
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