Phloe

Finally asking the question. Finally!

I posted some time ago how fantastic I was feeling after several weeks sober. Well, I went for a grand total of 9 months, which I am very proud of.

However I decided that - because I had never decided to quit for good - to give a couple of drinks a go, as everything seemed to be going ok.

Well, what can I say expect ...

I had a few ciders and got my buzz on, then decided to head to my old local and sink back some jugs with the boys. Well, I got PISSED. An idea of moderating went out the window. Hungover as hell the next day and didn't touch a drop for another two weeks.

On a couple of occasions since I have managed to have "just a couple" when I was out for dinner. Food always kills that. However, by and large, I've ended up having more than I know I should.

What an amazingly insidious drug it is. For me, at least. And that's the key, I think. Not how it is for others, but how it is for me. I was only going to drink cider and beer and stuck to pints. Well, pints turned into jugs the first night, and not long after I introduced wine into the equation.

This Easter, I sunk back a bottle of gin and a bottle of vodka at home over 4 days, plus heading back down to the local and pissing up there.

Last night, I headed round to my ex girlfriends and hit the wine - things did not go well, I'll tell you that much! Suffice today say I am hungover as hell today.

I know what I've been doing, and the 9 months of sobriety is a good security because I know I can live without it. But this ongoing experiment I feel is about due to come to an end. I haven't resumed daily drinking, but how far off will that be? What excuse will I make then? Among other things, it's really making my trips to the gym a killer. I've started University this year and don't want to jeopardise my studies. In fact, half the reason I decided to experiment again was because I was start Uni and I wanted to see how I'd go.

I'm not beating myself up over this, but it's interesting how I wont seem to commit to a permanent discontinuation. It's as though I leave the door open for 'the future'.

But maybe the time has finally come. Do I need to confess to myself I am an alcohol abuser by nature and it's use in any form will be debilitating?

For me it's making an appeal to logic. What exactly is it I'm trying to achieve by drinking? Fitting in? Socialising? I know I don't need alcohol to do that. If I don't want to get stinking drunk and out of control, what WILL I achieve by only having a couple? If I have said couple, I'll just want more. Is that the key distinction of the alcoholic.... not having that switch that others appear to have. That urge inevitably takes over.

Thanks for reading - this has been good to get off my chest. I'm stepping away from the bottle again, but this time I am prepared to frame it in a more permanent fashion. I know I am a better person without it.

Anyone else have experience with going back to it after a sober stint? I know my story isn't unique. Do many people go back to moderate drinking after abusing it? I think moderate drinking is far easier prospect if you've never been a heavy drinker lol.

Thanks again for reading.

FeelingGreat

Hi, your post has hit a nerve with me as I always said I would go off the drink for a year. Tomorrow is day 365. I'm not a binge drinker so it's not a question of an out of control session, just a slow steady increase to an unhealthy debilitating habit.
It's helped for me to hear your experiences and sort of told me what I already know.
Should you give up for good? Yes; it seems obvious. Can you bear to say never again? Can I? That depends on whether you are ready for that final step. Am I? Not sure yet.

Phloe

I'm happy to serve as a warning to the dangers of resuming the consumption of alcohol. That slow, steady increase that you speak of is what I sense in myself. I think I finally know in myself that the path of alcohol has only one direction for me, and that's down a sinkhole.

I wouldn't be in a rush to have a drink after day 365. I know I thought I was a different person and could 'manage' it like the person who has never had a drinking problem. Well, that hasn't been the case, unfortunately. Sure, I was a different, better version of myself - but what I've since come to realise is I was that person in part to NOT DRINKING. I think it's a difficult prospect to redefine something like alcohol when it's played a problem in the past.

I know now, that's the main thing. During my period of sobriety I always wondered 'what if?' Hence me experimenting again. It may be different for you. Exercise caution and be prepared to cut it off again if it gets out of hand. If it does go downhill, don't beat yourself up either.

Dee74

Sounds like you're about to make a great decision Phloe.

I think a lot of people confuse a period of abstinence with 'control' over alcohol...I know I did, and what happened to you happened to me too.

Now I know no amount of time can reset me.

As for forever - that was scary for me too - but I realised staying sober day by day I was doing forever anyway.

D

Phloe

Thanks Dee.

I suppose I haven't wanted to admit to any deficiency in me. I thought after a long enough period of time I could be reset and start again with it in a controlled manner. It's amazing how things have just started in unravel like before, which tells me the alcohol wasn't just exacerbating existing problems, but causing them.

I don't like how it changes me. I don't like the tension of considering a drink and how much to have. The 9 months of sobriety were great, but I alwways had those nagging what if questions.

I think this experiment has cleared away the what ifs. That is, if I want to live the life I desire, then alcohol has no place in it.

hypochondriac

I think it is pretty much medical fact that you can't reset your tolerance because your brain never forgets how to process a large amount of alcohol, so even if you start of slow, it doesn't take long to get back to where you were before you stopped. I can't remember where I read that but it seems to make sense. And it fits with the many posts like yours and I have heard lots of people in AA say the same thing.

Also don't think of this as being a deficiency. Alcoholism is a medical fact not a moral failing. This might sound a bit odd and maybe a little disrespectful but I always considered my ability to consume large amount of alcohol a talent. Maybe not one I should be proud of, and really I never was, it always produced a lot of shame for me, but not in the eyes of other people. My friends always thought I was 'fun'. But it really wasn't fun for me. Loss of control can be really scary. Like you I hated thinking when and how much I would drinking (I don't know why I put much thought into it because it was always 'every day' and 'lots'), so giving it up completely was very freeing.

Have you looked into any recovery methods before Phloe? Maybe some support will help you with your commitment, or something like AVRT? That really helped me with the 'forever' concept.

Glad you're here x

Phloe

Hi. Thanks for posting hypochondriac.

Interesting point about the tolerance. So regardless of the time expired, my brain is wired to this "setting", for want of a better term. I know the first night back on it it didn't take much to produce an effect. That was 12 weeks ago. This past weekend I was hitting levels comparable to what I was doing before I ever quit.

Boy do I hear you on the above. I, too, was one to celebrate my ability to imbibe. Absurd, in hindsight. We (as in those of us who considered ourselves locals at the local) all made our collective excuses. "We all love our ****", or honing in on drinkers behaving worse than us and feeling smug and superior because *we* were more enlightened drunks.

I hope you don't mind but I did laugh at the 'every day' and 'lots' comment. I mean, why waste energy when the outcome was the same nearly every time?

As for treatment, I have read some material (Allan Carr's EASYWAY to control alcohol - will prob. read again) and a few other resources, however I've never entered into any formal treatment. I've had reservations about AA due to the spiritual overtones. AVRT is something I haven't heard of, but will look into. Really appreciate you feedback. Thanks again for posting.

hypochondriac

I love Allen Carr And I think AVRT fits pretty well with that. I had similar problems with AA but I went for a bit and have utilised a lot of their ideas in my recovery. There is some good stuff there, if not only for the years of experience. SR has been my number one support though.

I think I wasted all that energy trying because I really wanted to stop drinking, but I just couldn't. Not until I came here anyway. Support makes all the difference