Tetra

I hope that people don't mind me posting here. It's after 1 in the morning here and I am sitting here in tears.

I have posted about this before, but tonight I really need to get some things off my chest. I have been sober for 1 year and 4 months. I have been thinking seriously about having a drink for the past few days. When I was drinking I never stopped at one bottle, never mind one drink.

The thing is that, I am 32 years old, doing a postgrad in university, no job, and living with my parents. College has been off for the past two weeks, and I have been at home a lot and feeling very down. I don't have many friends, I am very shy by nature, and my mom and I do not get on, and I spend a lot of time in my room. I have exams in May, and am lacking motivation to study. I haven't left the house in two days, and I have been wearing my pajamas.

I feel like my life is on hold. I don't know why. Sometimes it is hard to get up in the mornings...my timetable has been upside down for the past two weeks....up late at night reading/DVDs/internet and as a result I get up late in the morning. My mom and I had a row about this. I feel so sad, everyone else is living their life, and I am a giant loser living with my folks. I am very, very lonely.

I have discussed this with my therapist, and I told him that I thought I was depressed. He told me that he doesn't think that I am, but I am not happy, and I want to change. I cannot fail my exams, it would be unthinkable.

I am very, very lonely and I need help.

Dee74

Obviously I'm not a Dr and I don't have the whole story, but from your post I don't why your therapist would suggest you're not depressed.

Maybe a second opinion is warranted Tetra - does your campus have a health service?

D

awuh1

Sounds like depression to me. Even if it's not, I think your mood would improve with some moderate exercise (20 to 30 minutes of VERY FAST walking) 4 times a week. The more difficult this sounds like it would be to do, the more beneficial it is likely to me.

You also might want to get a second opinion.

Tetra

Yes, I think so too.

Well, I saw my therapist on Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday I didn't leave the house...I was "studying" in my room.

I have just been so up and down. I was hoping I would feel better when I am back in college next week.

ML78

I think it would be a good idea to see another psych dr. I dont know why he or she would automatically dismiss you possibly being depressed while showing symptoms. I run 7 days a week, and often dont want to at all. when you least feel like doing cardio, you will most benefit from it.

FeenixxRising

Tetra, it sounds like part of the problem is that you haven't yet settled into the place you want to be in life. You're doing your post-grad work, which is great, but you're not yet settled into your career. That can be disconcerting. I dealt with something similar when I went back to college in my mid-20's. I really felt as if I was behind most of my peers, and I was really unsure of what my future would hold. And money was very tight, and that's always stressful. But it did work out well in the end.

But that takes time. For now I whole heartedly agree with awuh1; a regular exercise routine would do you a lot of good. It doesn't have to be hardcore, a brisk 30 minute walk 5 times each week can work wonders. I know it can be hard to force yourself to get out and do this; I've had the same problem, but I manage to force myself to get out and moving. I feel so much better afterwards.

foodie1

Prayers to you Tetra. I agree that a second opinion is needed and that some cardio exercise can only help. Also, take it easy on yourself, so you live with your parents, you're there because you're bettering yourself with education, that's so admirable! And you're sober, even through this painful time, that's wonderful! Please look on yourself with kind eyes, you're not alone in this

Tetra

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I do appreciate it.

I dragged myself out of bed this morning and forced myself to go for a 45 minute walk. I actually do feel better.

^^^ This sums up how I feel quite well. Also, I find living with my mom very stressful. I know that she has issues, and I also know that she is ashamed of me, she has made this very clear. The thing is, I cannot deal with her issues right now. I have enough baggage of my own. Hmmm, I spent many years, drinking and absolutely hating myself. I had no self respect at all, and I felt that I had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I cried in front of my therapist about it and he said "you are a gentle, reserved, refined person and those are not bad qualities". It's only been in the past 6 months or so that I have begun to recognise my own self worth.

It's after 1:30am here and I still can't sleep. Night time is when I feel the lonliest.

Thank you again for your replies. It is helpful to know that I am not alone x

Dee74

Is there no chance of you finding digs of your own Tetra?

D

foodie1

Hang in there Tetra

Sasha4

Tetra, I get the feeling you think you are not doing well in life?

You are doing well sweetie.
You are at university studying, a post grad no less!
You are going to go traveling.
You will get a great job in the future.
You have a great relationship with your Dad and your Aunt.
You have over a year sober!

How many people can say they have all those things?

Life in terms of owning a house, being married, having children, those things are not a competition to see who can do it first or be in the lead, believe me.

There is nothing for your mum to be ashamed of.
You have a disease that you have got under control. Many very intelligent people have this disease - what about Marian Keyes? She is super clever?
If you were my daughter I would be super proud of you I promise.

And your therapist is right those qualities are good qualities.
It should never, ever be he who shouts the loudest is always heard.

I think you have a touch of depression.
Perhaps a trip to the doctors might help? Bit of exercise and some fresh air?

Keep going T, you are doing really well.
This stage in your life is not forever, I promise.

ricmcc

Hi, Tetra, truly sorry that you are feeling so down just now. I certainly cannot Dx you, not knowing you, and not being qualified to do so in any event. I can however tell you that I was Dx'ed with bipolar disorder years ago, and therefore have been though quite a few depressive episodes, and I can further tell you that your description of how you currently feel matches my depressive experiences almost exactly. The good news for me is that with proper meds and therapy, and lots and lots of patience, the bipolar thing is in my past now, so long as I take my meds exactly as prescribed. Also of incredible help is that I've been sober for just over a year now; congrats on your 16 months sobriety, but I am glad to see that you recognize that are vulnerable right now, meaning that you must take extra care. So, this is a very long-winded post just to say that I fully agree with Dee and the others who have suggested a second opinion about the possibility of clinical depression. I also fully agree with the poster, Sasha, i believe, who pointed out that you sound like about the exact opposite of a loser. Sincere best wishes for a quick recovery, and continued sobriety--all the best to you, rick---

hypochondriac

I hate to disagree with a professional but that is a really irresponsible thing to say. Despite all that you have achieved with your education and sobriety (which is huge by the way, be proud!) it seems you are lacking motivation to make other changes in your life. I can relate a lot, it was like almost everyone expected me to be doing better and I was just collapsed in a heap. My doc said it wasn't surprising that I felt that way after surmounting a huge problem like that, even after a year, and that it sounded like I was depressed. Not to play the comparison game but we sound pretty similar. I couldn't imagine what it would be like living with my mother though. I live in a right sh;tpit, but it's mine, and despite disapproving words from family I have my own space in which to get better myself. Having faith in yourself is such a rewarding thing, but can be a bit of a hurdle for some of us. A book that really helped me have faith in the choices I made was Feel the fear and do it anyway. It may sound like a cheesy self help book but there is some good stuff in there. I really can relate to where you're coming from. I found doing small things to help myself really helped, little steps in the right direction are better than nothing x