ScoutBall

A bit of background.
I'm 35. I've been a pretty good drinker since I was 21. I never drank before it was legal, because: Surprise! Biological Father was a pretty sweet drink, too. So, somehow me being a "good" kid made sense.
I also thought I'd never be here because I'd attended AA meetings as a kid for older Sis, who: Surprise! Is an awesome drunk too! (How she manages my two young nieces, her job, and a drinking husband, I will never know. My sister is incredible. Maybe me coming clean with everyone will jolt her back to reality. But that's her business.)
Biological Dad died a year ago coming May. It was a pretty ****** time, since we just didn't have a lot to say to each other.
I work from home, so that's great, because when you're your own boss, you get to make the rules. No booze before Noon. Or 11 if you're feeling hungover. Or 10 if you just woke up and are feeling super ******. Just try to keep it real so you're not falling all over yourself when the wife gets home. Incredible. If you're a drunk, how can it get any better?
We're financially stable. We make decent money. We have gobs of friends and people that think we're cool. My wife is a leader in her field, and got her first study published. I just got a monster contract. We live in a place that people go to on "trips of a lifetime".
So what the f@$k is my problem?
I don't know. I know I hate drinking anymore. I also know that if I don't drink, I don't get much done. Cause I'm sick.
The throwing up last night was insane. That has never happened. I think my body finally sent me a note that it's not going to continue to let me do this.
I hate that I'm putting my wife through this. I hate that this is happening now. We have a lot of **** coming up that is pretty public. Ol Soakie having to be at meetings, or be in rehab or be somewhere else isn't really an option.
I feel stuck both ways. I don't have the luxury of ignoring this, and I realistically can't check out of life for a few weeks.
I understand that checking out permanently is a much shittier option. But, in my darkest times that seems the way to go. I'm not suicidal.
I have a drinking problem. I have a dad issue.
Until yesterday I considered myself a pretty damn good husband, brother, son, uncle, friend.
I do not know what is wrong with me, all I know is that all the ****** times are exasperated when I'm drunk, so--surprise again: that's everyday. It's 11 am. I'm seriously considering my usual edge taker offer, but...I'm trying not to think about it.
Thanks for listening. You lot of strangers have done more than you can imagine just being in a place I feel ok to type this. Kind regard to all, your inner struggles, and your journeys to recovery. Thanks. Scoutie

Hevyn

Welcome Scout. I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier, but want to tell you we all care and want to help. I was drinking all day when I came here - these people set me straight and gave me the support and encouragement I needed to stop.

It know you're in a bad state right now, but I think you should be proud for recognizing the problem and reaching out for help. Many are never willing or able to do that - and end up losing everything because of stubbornness and pride. This won't be you. Please stay with us and keep posting.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Scout - do you think maybe some grief counselling might help?

As far as 'Old Soakie going public' you don't need to rent billboards or take an ad out in the paper, but unless you do something - now - things are likely to get worse.

I wanted to do this by myself without help too.

End result was I just kept drinking and lost just about everything - job, relationship, self respect health - I nearly died.

Letting some people in on your struggle and getting some help seems a pretty tame option to me now.

I hope you'll consider it.

D

2granddaughters

Yeah, Scout, I know what you mean.

Folks used to ask how I was doing and I'd say "Great !! Got that new Buick Riviera and the 2 storey house the wife wanted".

My AA sponsor asked "How do you feel ?" ... I didn't want to talk about that. I couldn't, I didn't know what was wrong.

All the best.

Bob R

ScoutBall

I'm looking for meetings today guys, I really am.
Of course, it's Easter, and folks are doing normal people stuff like getting together with family, and friends. That's what I'm supposed to be doing, but I think we've effectively cancelled.
I am still getting acclimated to the site, and have found the stickies with numbers.
Also, I just found the Thank You tab, so no offense meant by me not doing it prior. I am still figuring out my manners here. But thank you for the replies. It's seriously keeping me going right now.

hypochondriac

Thanks for sharing your story Scoutie

I felt like this when I was trying to quit. Often I had things on where I knew I was going to be in a drinking situation and thought I'd quit after or I was stressed and not drinking made me feel awful and I couldn't sleep. I was advised to cut down but quite frankly I sucked at that. The thing with this though is that when we are drinking we can do anything! I dragged my arse around feeling really rough, practically passing out at work but I still managed to pull through without much comment. I felt pretty rough getting sober but it was better than when I was drinking in a lot of ways. I didn't tell anyone apart from my doctor (that part is essential) so I just carried on as normal just like I did when I was drinking, pretending everything was fine. As long as you have the appropriate medical help you don't have to check out of life. It's just a different sort of challenge as maintaining a drunk lifestyle, both that and sobriety require a lot of effort but you have been successful at one so you know you can do the other x

ScoutBall

I'm not even worried about being in a drinking situation. I call those: now.
I just gotta keep going. There isn't an option. I very seriously cannot miss, or be missing from some things in the next few weeks, or I may as well mail it in, and get used to living by myself somewhere.
It's going to have to be equal parts sucking it up, and getting some help. I'm feeling like I can make a few calls now, and I recalled that my friend has a mother who is sober, a veteran of the recovery process, and her spiritual beliefs are inline with mine. I'm going to call her now. If she can't help...who can?
I gotta keep posting, and gotta start off loading these feelings of I am a pile of s@&t. I know I'm not, and I know there is a better way to be, and live. No more. I'm not going to let some stupid **** ruin me.

ScoutBall

Wanna know something that just made me stop, and laugh like an idiot?
I draw for a living. Seriously.
I didn't drink anything on Friday. My wife and I got up early yesterday, and went for coffee, and sat by the water. I brought my sketchbook, and drew FOR FUN. The first time in YEARS.
What does that tell you? Crimony. You'd think I would be smart enough.

Hevyn

No, you are not Scout (a pile of s***). Be disappointed in yourself, but also give yourself a break. You need chance to recover and heal. It's hard to do that if you're filled with remorse and guilt. You're doing a good thing by being here and taking action to make things right again.

ScoutBall

Phone dead. Left in my pocket. Typical. Charging now...and I have my friends mom's number.
Thanks so much for being there guys, really. I'm gonna find a place to go today, and I'm gonna find a place to help me today. Just stick with me...

Sudz No More

Welcome to the Family Scout. Glad to see you are catching this terrible affliction early enough. I've seen too many come here too late are not give enough effort before it is too late. Just remember to keep at it no matter what and you will find yourself on the other side. We are here with you and listening, have at it.

least

to a great site. This place helped me get and stay sober. I hope we can do the same for you. You can do this!

ScoutBall

Love your quote.
I too would rather live in my car with my dog than give him up.
He must wants a buddy to play ball with. When I quit this sh&t ill feel a lot more like playing ball. I owe him that.
Thank you.

least

When I used to drink I didn't care properly for my dogs. But the two I have now have never known me drinking and they get my best care. I owe them that for their unlimited devotion.

ScoutBall

So. I went to a meeting. It was pretty weird. I'm not sure what I was expecting. I didn't have some epiphany or anything, but I was there.
And I'm not drinking right now, so that's cool. What is also cool is I have a schedule for heaps of meetings in my area. I am planning on attending another meeting at 5 pm. Provided I don't have a beer, which just seems insulting and gross. But, I feel like warmed over death. Despite being in a hammock, sun shining, and my dog wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

slimjim30

Glad to hear you are making some progress!

Have you been to see a doctor? Alcohol withdrawal can be very dangerous and involve seizures. A doctor can prescribe you medicine that will stop this from happening as well as take the edge off a little.

I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just not sure how much you've read so far. If doctors are closed for the holiday I'm sure the ER will be able to help with a small amount of medication until the surgery reopens. Every doctor I've spoken to about my alcoholism has been professional and non judgemental.

I'm glad to hear you're doing better though. A hammock in the sun sounds like a nice way to spend your first sober day. Tomorrow you'll be ale to wake up without a hangover which is even better!

sugarbear1

I felt like a pile of that, too until I worked the steps. The steps, not the meetings, will keep you sober! Get to a meeting to find that sponsor and after you work the steps, go to a meeting to help another suffering alcoholic.

You can stay stopped, too!

artsoul

Welcome Scout!

I can relate.....I used to drink on the job, too..... (an artist needs to loosen up, right?!) Problem was, it took over my life and made me miserable, anxious and depressed (and my work really wasn't any better with a drink - I just didn't care as much). I was terrified to get sober, but it was the best thing I ever did.

I'm so glad you're here and ready to stop the vicious cycle. I do hope you talk to a doctor about withdrawal (reading about it is helpful, too). Get all the support you can, and keep reading/posting. You can do this!

sunrise1

Scout, glad to hear you are moving forward and actively seeking help. The first few meetings can definitely be "a little weird" as you put it. Just keep in mind that everyone in the rooms of AA knows what it's like and has been there... and a lot of wisdom and experience is shared.

Hang in there. Post here. Sketch some more. You're on your way.

ScoutBall

Didn't make the 5 o clock. Felt like too much hell.
Actually may have fallen asleep a bit.
Wife is incredibly helpful, and I think hopeful that this is for real.
Meetings tomorrow. No drinking today, and right now pretty reasonable. My dog keeps dropping his tennis ball on me.
Heartburn, and water. This sucks.