fallgirl613

I thought I could do it, but I fell off the wagon again. I admitted to my husband 3 weeks ago how I drank in secret and hid bottles from him and he understood and said he supported my decision to quit drinking. So, I've been going to AA meetings, but I was only sober for 2 days before I started drinking again hiding my alcohol from him. While he's in the living room, I go off to the spare bedroom to get drunk for hours at a time. I'm a writer, so I can get away with telling him that I'm writing (which I do in the spare bedroom by myself with the door closed anyway). And he's always been respectful of not interrupting me when I'm writing (while sober). But the past 3 weeks I haven't been doing much writing. I've been in the spare room for hours, drinking by myself-not doing much of anything else. I broke my promise to him again, and to myself. How can I admit that I'm doing this again? I can't believe I'm hiding alcohol from him again and LYING to him, telling him I've been sober since I've been in AA for the past 3 weeks. I'm so ashamed of myself. I love my hubby so much and he means the world to me. What the hell is wrong with me?

bi11fish

Sounds like Alcoholism to me-I hid my drinking or thought I did for a loooong time. I really thought my wife did not know. She did, she was willing to wait till I got honest with her and myself. Only when I did that was I able to move forward in my sobriety. Oh and the part about my wife being my world was just another dishonest part of me--ALCOHOL was my world, my lover and my master.

doggonecarl

Are you involved with AA--meaning you have a sponsor and are working the steps? Or are you just going to meetings.

If the former, call your sponsor. If the latter, going to meetings isn't working the program.

whiskeyman

so true, doggonecar

i thought going to AA meetings was going to AA.
and when i wasnt getting better, i blamed AA

until I got honest and followed the path laid out.

It is simple once you follow the instructions, and GO TO AA
Get a sponsor and work the steps.

1newcreation

I hear what you're saying; but u have to make a decision...u can't have u're cake & eat it too. Get a sponsor whose gut honest w/ u & will chk on u as a hound dog esp the 1st 90 days. Get support network of women that if u're not @ home, u're @ their hse or mtgs. Work the steps thoroghly! Folks say its not working step 4or 5 or 9 that gets them drunk BUTS 1...as long as u think u can win over alc, it will always be the winner in the end
Trust me, its soooo much better sober. As matter of fact, the last 48 hrs have been pure hell for me coz i live by default w/ an alc & addict.I got my percocet prescrpition filled on fri & after mtg on Sat nite the whole bottle was gone when got back home! was so pissed @ myself coz thot i'd hidden them where she couldn't think off & i was wrong...confronted her but as usual denied it. i even called the law on her ass but they said they couldn't help me coz it "was her word against mine"F*** so after calming down i just have t0 learn how to manage my knee pain for the next 30 days & not pour a drink over this bs!. Told my sponsor today & was proud that i'm still dry & that I picked principals over personalities
Hope that helps

3girls1husband

Fallgirl, like you I have hid how much I drink from my husband for the better part of two years with it getting progressivly worse...yesterday was hopefully my final straw..as of right now I still haven't come clean with him and not sure if I will just yet...
Keep coming on here!!

Nonsensical

You're addicted to alcohol.

You can beat it, but it will take some work.

Good Luck!

silentrun

What made you decide to quit 3 weeks ago? I couldn't quit until I fully understood it was either all or nothing. That it was only going to get worse from here on out. It sounds like you are very close to that you have that kind of despair to your post. I didn't confess to my hubby until 2 weeks after I quit. My mind was just too messed up to have that conversation. I confessed primarily to burn my bridges so I couldn't get away with it anymore. I actually use that despair against my AV now.

oak

fallgirl- I can relate to your post. Alcohol was the only thing that I have ever hidden from my husband. I had a lot of shame and guilt.

You can get sober and stay sober. Find whatever resources you need. And find ways to encourage the part of you that wants sobriety. If AA is working for you, great. Otherwise, try Women for Sobriety, SMART recovery, individual therapy, etc. And keep posting here.

It can get a lot better.

Anna

Alcoholism turned me into a person who lied all the time, a person I didn't like at all. I understand how you feel, but know that you can change things.

neferkamichael

Fallgirl, it took me a lifetime to quit. It's obvious you are having just as much trouble quitting as the rest of us did. Everybody has gone through what you are going through. Keep trying to quit, but quit lying to your husband, because he probably knows whats going on anyway. Addiction to alcohol is extremely powerful and an alcoholic needs help and support from loved ones. Rootin for ya.

fini

fallgirl,
lying, hiding and sneaking around seem hallmarks of alcoholic drinking.
i hid my drinking from everyone, and though i was convinced my kids were #! in my life and meant the world to me, truth was that somehow getting to spend the evening getting drunk instead of going to their ballgame happened more often than not. any and every time i could manipulate it.
seeing where my priority really was, that the prime relationship in my life was with alcohol/getting drunk, ouch was that painful.
but there we have it.

yes you can. coming here is a good opening step.

least

I hid my drinking from my kids... or so I thought... they knew I was drinking, just didn't know where I hid my bottles. I finally gave it up and with a lot of effort have stayed sober.

You don't have to live your old life anymore. You can quit drinking and enjoy your life again. But it takes some work. How badly do you want to be sober?

Wanderlove

I'm right there with you! I hid my drinking from my husband/ kids despite the fact that I love them dearly. It went on for 2 years until I finally fessed up to the husband. Turns out he pretty much knew.

Nicholi

Gah! Don't you feel like such an idiot when you find out they knew the whole time?

Zebra1275

He know's you are drinking in there when you say you are writing.

Do you really think he's that oblivious? He just doesn't know what to say or do about it. But he will eventually figure that out.

You are not fooling him, only yourself.

kiki26

I hid constantly. I thought I was so sneaky but when I finally told the truth my fiancé knew, he just wanted to believe i would get better. I told him many times that I was quitting. But like you I would quit for a day or two until he wasn't so mad, then I would go back to my routine of sneaking and lying. All I know is for me it only has stuck this time because I wanted to quit. Not my fiancé begging me, or my mothers disappointment, nothing anyone did or said could keep me sober. I had to finally have enough. I hit so many bottoms and didn't stop, this time I just was sick of it. I wanted to quit more than I wanted to continue my life. Keep coming back sober recovery has helped me a lot

krazynoklahoma

I know exactly what u are saying, i also thought i was hiding my drinking , i was just kiddin myself. hiding lyong and sneaking just dont work. And u cant hide from yourself.

WhyNot247

Fallgirl, I'd love to send you a private message but I don't have enough posts yet...which is why I'm posting now
We have a lot in common. I, too, am a writer; and I, too, hid as much as I could from my hubby and my kids. I hope you come back and let us know how you're doing!

fallgirl613

Thank you all for your kind words. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who hid alcohol from the ones we love. Lying and deceit is part of the disease as I'm learning. Thanks to all for keeping me motivated.