bigsombrero

All -

Been sober almost 9 months. Coming out of hospitalization, in patient treatment, and the alcoholic "fog" was tricky in the early goings. But once I got on my feet, used the tools in my new tool box, and began to trust myself, things have gotten much better. My health has not been better in years and I'm very happy!

One of the struggles I did not prepare for was that I totally needed to start my life over. I do not have a wife, do not have any kids, I live by myself and have no family nearby -- so there's no "carry-overs" in that regard. Going back to my old life is impossible, and almost everything I did socially included drinking. So many things I used to "do for fun" involved alcohol, and those activities are out of the picture.

I'm 38 and a lot of people my age are working on starting or raising young families. I never had to worry about making friends before, but it's odd that here I am, wanting friends. I have tried the AA route for friends but it didn't work out as they were too focused on the program for my taste.

Has anyone else been here? Alone, no spouse, no kids...now recovered and looking for a foothold in a new world? I am a very social guy, I'm not shy, and there's no physical problems or injuries that keep me from getting around. What did you do? I know I should take a photography or gardening class or something....I suppose I'm not so much looking for advice as I am looking for answers...

I feel frustrated because I have come so far and done so much....and I want to celebrate BEING ALIVE, with someone. It's like, I've done all this great work and my reward is....loneliness.

sugarbear1

Making friends takes time.

Can you get involved in something you like--a hobby, class, gym, volunteer work somewhere that you are interested in? We make friends slowly, over time, while doing things we like and then we have a shared interest with another person.

Even in AA, there are people who have lives that don't revolve totally around AA.

There are options out there, now it's time for you to make yourself a well rounded life, one little bit at a time!

Tamerua

I'm with sugarbear. Find a hobby, you will meet people that have similar interests, I was looking at a beginners photog group on meetup. Good luck.

Jaded1999

I feel the same way mate, just over 8 months sober myself. I'm 31 and I was married but now i'm sober and single and really bored. I miss the 'fun' I used to have socializing and drinking....

theHomerSimpson

Hey Big, congrats on your 9 months, thats a big deal man. Also nice to hear you using that toolbox and not thinking you are non-alcoholic and free to dance with the demons!

Taking a class sounds like a great idea and photography is one cool choice. Taking a class is an awesome way to meet new people also. And with a interst in photography comes a desire to get out and explore the world, something you have not been doing for some time if you drank for a long time like myself. I cant wait for warmer weather to arrive here so I can get out and do things I ignored for many years, simple things such as going to a park or a lake and just taking in my surroundings in every detail(and taking some cool pics). Also going to public places and just people watching seems like a fun thing to me,but, if you do that I would leave the camera at home! lmao

Sounds like you are ready to start living like one of those "normies" now, are you ready for that? lol I still have a ways to go as I am only a bit over a month but gonna start making some small steps back into society as a "pre-normie". One of my first steps is gonna be the gym, something I have been paying for 28 months now every month and never been there after I initially signed up, my bad? lol

I'm 43 with kids that are a not children anymore, I blew many great years being selfish but now that I'm sober I want to do some activities with these guys when they can find the time for me. My wife is loving my sobriety as her life is obviously much different now that no bad situations have evolved and not coming home to a drunk idiot. Its not EZ street as I just quit smoking couple of days ago and have this pre-cancer issue in my mouth due to my drinking and smoking habits over the years. Its a tough one to swallow but on the bright side it is NOT cancer at this time and may never change but have no option of drinki or smoke ever again, which is a good thing since I did turn into alcoholic. Enough about me and my woes, see my selfish part? lol

Yeah man, its time for you to get out! Start living, you deserve it, there are so many people out there looking for friends just like you and I. Try all things you would normally never see yourself doing, I cant even list them because its an unlimited number, just pick something, anything, and go out and try it. What do you have to lose, an hour or so of being bored?(that will probably NOT be the case 99% of everything you do). I'm looking forward to hearing what you have tried as I am looking for ideas myself. If you feel uncomfortable posting it on here then just shoot me a private message then but I think others are in same boat as us and love to hear about new things available to us.

And BTW, I am your newest friend! lol

your friend,
Patrick

bigsombrero

Thanks. Yeah, I need to get back into those classes or something. The photog class I looked at was $200! Yeeks. There was another photog "event" thing, but it was more of a "date night" thing on groupon and there were couples drinking wine in the promo flyer so that didn't sound right either.

Guess I'm looking for sympathy more than suggestions. I think I have a good grasp on finding things to do...I suppose I'm just letting depression get the best of me. I'm not super down about it.

I guess in the past a lot of my social life revolved around drunk texts, calls, and meetings at pubs and bars. I have committed to totally abandoning that - but the problem is that quitting one behavior doesn't automatically mean that the empty space gets filled up with flowers, footballs, rainbows and fun! Rats. Wish it did.

Just the next step in my recovery I suppose. Keeping the #1 priority where it belongs, my sobriety is first and foremost. I think that I also fear that my problems stemmed from being alone...I drank alone during my darkest days and isolation was an issue for me. I am being healthy in many ways but I am still struggling to fix this issue.

theHomerSimpson

Big, you are not gonna be able to escape from the culture of people drinking everywhere you go, I mean just sitting watching TV there are ads and programs where EVERYBODY drinks! I never noticed before I stopped drinking how it seems most everything has some sort of alcohol involved. I sometimes do get uncomfortable with how alcohol is portrayed as the 'fun' potion but in reality is it? Hangovers, car accidents, loss of better judgement, spending money foolishly, infedility, arguements, fist-fights, worsening depression and anxiety, all that stuff and more! And I beleive EVERBODY who drinks,even the tee-totalers has some kind of negative effect from drinking but dont realize it because they dont do it on a daily basis at that point. I think we are the LUCKY ones, we survived that crap and are still alive, we no longer have to worry about those negative effects alcohol can and will create, sometimes with deadly or lifetime consequences. Makes sense doesnt it? I dont know where that came from in my mind,lol, but it makes so much sense to me as I read it! Who amI? lmao
Have a great day Big, I'm depressed too but as 'they' say it could be worse.

Now I need to find something to make me smile other than sitting on the computer, and my a$$ is starting to hurt! lol

Take care

doggonecarl

I am a big fan of Franklin Covey's values/goals method of self improvement. Basically, you identify your values, then you align your goals to those values. Once you have goals, you can create the objectives and tasks to meet those goals.

Big, it's about DOING something, not waiting for something to happen to you. Take control of your social life like you took control of your recovery and you'll be so busy you be asking us how to budget your time.

BruceJ

I started drinking/drugging when I was a teenager. When I finally sobered up I discovered I had the social and emotional maturity of....well....a teenager. Surprise, surprise.
All the best.

theHomerSimpson

My therapist calls it arrested development, I am the same way, much more than just a kid at heart!

janiebluebird

The loneliness is the most challenging part of sobriety for me. Meeting new friends who we truly enjoy and connect with is rare in itself. I still feel a bit left out if I see my friends out drinking and having fun, but that lifestyle just wasn't working for me. Maybe try some online sites like "meetup" that are free and you can pick ones where there is no drinking involved. Do you work with other people? Thats always a good place to meet friends because you have to spend so much time together.

Anyways, I feel your pain. People will come along, ya meet new ones every year. Some surprise you, some turn out to be duds. Keep taking care of yourself and you'll attract like-minded people.

bigsombrero

Thanks to both of you who brought that up. I have also wondered about that arrested development. I only heard about it in therapy, but I no longer use the therapist. It's very interesting and very true in many ways. Not all ways, but definitely it's there. I have always thought of myself as a "kid at heart" and "not wanting to grow up". Maybe it's time.

bigsombrero

Thanks Janie - I am currently working from home on contract based projects, so no co-workers. I am looking for work also, I had an interview Friday and another tomorrow. I think part of me knows that I won't be a "full package" until I nail something down more long-term. My cell phone is busted now too (found that out this weekend) so I need to buy a new one, study up for the interview, etc. Thinking about "making friends" right now with all this stuff going on seems like a huge mountain. But right now I could use someone in my corner. Think I'll start making "coffee dates" with friends and other folks for starters, and just put my nose to the grindstone on the other stuff.

Feeling overwhelmed...even though the things that are happening are GOOD things and the desire for friendship is a POSITIVE one, I'm still prone to look at the negative side of stuff! Aaargh!

Huglets

Loneliness? Got that in spades my friend. I have days that I let it get me down but then I remember that phrase that's so hard to accept - it takes time.

I'm 45 and always kept folks at an arm's length (more like a couple of miles away) for the past 20 years. I never wanted anyone to know what I was actually doing.

So....now I'm 45 and have no friends. I'm an AA'er so I tend to hang around those folks. But most of them already have established relationships and just like high school, it's tough to work myself into a group.

Right now, I'm unemployed so I'm trying to make myself useful to others while I have the time. I know quite a few people that don't/can't drive so I help them out. I also tend to go to the library and stores and talk to random people just for company....lol.

For me, the hardest part is reaching out and establishing a get together with someone. I'm still a wee bit too prideful to let people know I need them.

So let's do this together. You set up a get together and I'll do the same!!!

And, best of luck on your interviews!! I'm in the same boat and had a 2nd interview last week. My fingers are cramped from crossing them hoping for a job offer!

bigsombrero

Thanks Soberfallon,

I too was an isolated drinker - thought I didn't need friends. Kept any potential close relationships at arms length also. Eventually the phone stopped ringing.

I think you also mentioned fitting into a "group" of friends...that's what I think I want most. I don't just want one close confidant - I would like to be part of a group. I used to be part of one, every day someone had SOMETHING going on - so-and-so had 4 cubs tickets for tues, another person was doing a weekend hiking trip, and another was going to a car show or running a marathon. As a group friend you can just pick and choose which things you want to join, and not feel insecure about starting your own hangout ideas because there will always be someone around to go with...

Celebration1994

Stepping out into the world in my early recovery was very fearful for me.....but I wanted to be a part of society, and I set small goals.....the first thing I did was look at higher education for adults that had been out of school for a while....not just serious courses but fun ones. I made an appointment with financial office to see if I could set up grants. Being an alcoholic I also went to the local vesid office....which handles the disabled, and as an alcoholic I qualified for help there too. I also started volunteering locally which openned the doors to meet new people. I found a new church that was non denominational and met new people, who introduced me to more new people......I kept it simple, and let it slowly unfold to new friends in both worlds....the alcoholic and the normies. Some times I was asked to go to bars, but I just said....thank you but no thanks...just not my cup of tea, but if you want to get together another time for bowling, coffee, a baseball game or or a hike, let me know. It takes time but was very rewarding.....to this day I still meet up with a volunteer squad of 4 and we clean the roads of litter for an hour every month....been meeting up with them since 2001, and we have lunch together after.

You want to meet new friends....put yourself out there....you will find them. ~Terry

SoberKnitter

I'm in the same boat (I'm late 30's, single). I don't have the amount of clean time that you do, but I also want life to be about living and not about dwelling on recovery.

I have been walking the past few days in hopes of joining a local running club. I figure that people who meet to run early on Saturday mornings are probably not into shooting vodka and doing lines until sunrise. I've also joined a book club. Discussing a book also seems incompatible with boozing.

fantail

Sombrero, I move a lot so I've had to make new friends many times over. A couple of cool websites to check out:

Grubwithus https://www.grubwithus.com/chicago -- group meals with a topic. I've met great people this way.

Meetup.com -- Tons of different types of events. Some are awkward and people don't know how to socialize, but in general it's fun people and organized by interest

Creative Mornings -- CreativeMornings | a monthly breakfast lecture series Monthly AM lecture series