I'm Terrified to Quit Drinking
 

So I am in the midst of a relapse. But this is the scariest one I've experienced. So I just had an appointment with my doctor and we discussed my alcohol abuse and we came to a plan to help me quit.

So the next day (today) I had vowed to not drink tonight. But when my normal "drinking time" came around (about 7 o'clock), this urge just came over me. It wasn't even an urge, but a compulsion. I kind of disassociated from myself and even felt that kind of buzzed feeling and all I could focus on was getting a drink. Of course I caved in and bought the booze.

I'm thinking about the episode and I wonder what would have happened if I didn't drink. Would I have gone into a seizure? I've never had withdrawal symptoms before other than being a little shaky in the morning.

So now I'm terrified to stop because I don't know what will happen. I'm too afraid to ask for help because I have so much shame associated with my alcohol abuse. Literally nobody [I]really[I] knows how much I actually drink. I'm just terrified and welcome any advice/anecdotes/etc. from people here.

Thank you in advance.

Hi comingoutsober

I think everyone is terrified - I know I was - drinking was my life and had been for 2 decades....I knew nothing else.

But I *dreamed* of a better way to live and a better me...and I knew the only way to reach those goals was to move forward, not stay where I was.

It is scary - but you're not alone here...not by a long short.

Why not make the leap - and why not join the March thread? tons of support there :)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-5-a-7.html

D

Can you get medical help from a doctor to get safely thru the w/d? Often meds are given to lessen the w/d effects and reduce the chance of seizures.


I was scared to quit drinking too. Didn't know what I"d do with myself if I didn't drink. But now that I'm sober for quite a while I'm so glad I quit drinking and don't miss it one bit! :)

What was the plan you made with your doctor? Presumably that factored in the possibility of seizures. Or were you not honest with the doctor about how much you are drinking? If that's the case, I suggest you call him or her and clear up that information. Medical advice is only as good as the information available to the doctor. Believe me, doctors are not shocked to hear someone "underestimated" the quantity of alcohol consumed.

The fact that you had that little "buzzy" feeling at your usual drinking time isn't a sign you are going to have a seizure. Our bodies get very attuned to when it is time for a drink. I used to get those kinds of feelings, in fact, WAY before I was physically addicted to the point where I had significant withdrawal symptoms.

Thank you so much for the responses, particularly this one. I've always been a worry wart (actually hypochondriac with anxiety issues which I believe is why I self medicate in the first place, but that's a story for another time...), so I guess I always overreact to anything abnormal with my body. It is REALLY comforting to know that that "buzzed" feeling is somewhat normal to the newly recovering alcoholic.

And you got me to a T with the fact that I didn't tell him everything. I mean it when I say NOBODY knows the extent of my addiction. I guess I need to tell him the whole truth. Part of the plan is meeting with him monthly to check in, but I think a month is too long to wait, so I will definitely call him.

Thank you so much, though that doesn't change the fact that I am still terrified. I just wish I could live like a normal person, you know?

You can. Just don't drink. There's nothing in the manual of life that says you have to drink to be normal.

I remember feeling that way myself. The good news is that people can and do recover. It seems, at first, that not drinking causes anxiety but in the long run, it reduces it substantially. You just can't see it when you're in the throes of it. One of the reasons they say alcohol is "cunning, baffling, and powerful." Also I have had seizures and the feeling before was not really like you described. Not saying you won't have one, just giving you my experience.
Sounds like a good plan to be honest with your dr. After all, they have your best interest at heart. Are you planning to use any support besides SR? It wasn't until I did that I have been able to remain sober for any period of time.

Lexie says it perfectly - that "buzzy" feeling is certainly our body getting ready in anticipation for that drink. I know that when I was jonesing badly, my body would be racing, mind racing, sweaty, anxious, etc. As soon as I walked into the liquor store, I started to calm down a bit. The smell of the store was like aromatherapy for goodness sake. then when I plunked down the money and put the bottle in my bag, I felt calmer. No more sweaty palms. When I was on my way home, my mood changed, I was even calmer and the chatter in my mind slowed down. When I opened the bottle and put some in a glass (back when I used a glass!) I would pause for a second, and I could feel my body bracing for it. it was magnetic. It was like the big bang was about to happen.

All that without a drop in my body.

It's incredible the tricks our minds can play on us, and that 7 o'clock time is your body and mind bracing. Part of early sobriety / abstinence is just breaking that little cycle of dependence. It starts as simply as that. And in being fully honest with your GP, you can start that plan, and you will have the confidence that you have the support you need to start this journey on an honest and forthright first step.

It gets better.

Reminds me of "The Lost Weekend."

Giving up any addiction is scary let alone any attachment. I remember being terrified the first time I left home, when I joined the army, my first "action", when I left the army, getting married, waiting for my two kids to be born, before going into surgery to remove a tumor in my head and finally hitting rock bottom six months ago and admitting I was powerless over alcohol. The fear I felt has spurred me on instead of making me freeze and give up. Use that fear to your advantage, turn it into hope and strength. Its OK to be scared, courage is the willingness to act despite fear.

I simply could not imagine life without alcohol. The addiction became a character in my mind that convinced me that quitting was impossible, beyond terrifying.

I know that feeling and that drive very well. the thought of not drinking filled me with dread. Once I got to the point where I would take what comes, I started to learn I could ride the urges, restlessness and compulsion to drink. Those things do wax and wane even in the first week when I was at my rawest.

Having said that if I was ever in that position again ( and I pray I never will be) I would go for medically supervised detox

You gotta chalk it up to experience, stick close to your doctor and practice fear coping techniques.