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greenturtle
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 208
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Hi - I just joined SR but have been reading posts here for a while gaining strength from others stories, positivity, and good advice. I was sober for 5 weeks until this past weekend when I went out with friends and jumped (not fell) off the wagon. I am now filled with an unbelievable amount of self-hatred. I guess part of me thought that maybe just maybe since I did so welll not drinking for 5 weeks that I wasn't really an alcoholic - that I could go out every now and then and have a drink with friends and it wouldn't be a big deal. But it is a big deal. Just like this weekend proved. Sometimes I can stop myself at 1-2 beers but most often its not like that. And then I do something stupid like drunk dial or text someone and simply act like an idiot.
I look at my young son who is innocent and has been hidden from my stupidity and I hate myself even more for being weak. Sometimes I think that because I am an alcoholic that I don't deserve him. And my husband doesn't even say anything anymore but his disappointment is palpable enough that it eats at me. So now after one night of drinking I've thrown away five weeks of sobriety and am starting over today - my day 1. I hope to use SR and AA meetings to gain strength over the coming days, weeks, months, years ahead. It's true what they say in AA - alcoholism is a cunning disease.
I look at my young son who is innocent and has been hidden from my stupidity and I hate myself even more for being weak. Sometimes I think that because I am an alcoholic that I don't deserve him. And my husband doesn't even say anything anymore but his disappointment is palpable enough that it eats at me. So now after one night of drinking I've thrown away five weeks of sobriety and am starting over today - my day 1. I hope to use SR and AA meetings to gain strength over the coming days, weeks, months, years ahead. It's true what they say in AA - alcoholism is a cunning disease.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
Posts: 718
Kelly--consider it a lesson learned. Sometimes we test ourselves and the results tell us what we really need to do. Move forward from this knowing you must now go the distance, but you can do it 'one day at a time'. When we first start to get sober, we often fear what life will be like sober, but if we can do it just 24 hours at a time it is far more manageable to handle it. Good luck & let this be your new beginning.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Glad you're back on the wagon. As CarolD once said to me, "a lot of us have false starts". Not that it's ok, relapse can be deadly.. but you are ok, and it sounds like you're in it to try again.
greenturtle
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 208
Thanks bryangt and flutter. Yes, I am back and need to do whatever it takes to go the distance. I really like what you (bryan) said about "Sometimes we test ourselves and the results tell us what we really need to do" - that seems so very appropriate for my situation. I proved (one again) that I cannot drink responsibily. Period. I appreciate your thoughts and support 
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 821
Kellyg-
You sound JUST like me. I had 5 weeks also and then decided I could have just one glass of wine.... didn't work out. Anyway, that was about a week ago. So dont spend all your energy hating yourself. All we can do is start over... Jess
You sound JUST like me. I had 5 weeks also and then decided I could have just one glass of wine.... didn't work out. Anyway, that was about a week ago. So dont spend all your energy hating yourself. All we can do is start over... Jess
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Kelly,
really knowing i couldn't drink responsibly/normally/moderately was a big help to me.
many false starts, much shame , many new attempts.
been sober for years now, and day one is the only way to start.
keep going.
really knowing i couldn't drink responsibly/normally/moderately was a big help to me.
many false starts, much shame , many new attempts.
been sober for years now, and day one is the only way to start.
keep going.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Hi Kelly. Well - I had 3 years once and decided I could have a glass of wine. 7 yrs. later I came stumbling in here. Sometimes we need further proof that we really can never ever touch a drop. It is toxic to us - it will destroy us if it's allowed to.
Those 5 weeks were not lost. You still have them under your belt. Please do not hate yourself - and you most certainly do deserve your son! You will continue on and do this thing Kelly. We believe in you.
Sometimes we need further proof that we really can never ever touch a drop. It is toxic to us - it will destroy us if it's allowed to.Those 5 weeks were not lost. You still have them under your belt. Please do not hate yourself - and you most certainly do deserve your son! You will continue on and do this thing Kelly. We believe in you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 93
I messed up this weekend as well and I fell like $hit. I only had 2 days in being sober but during those2 days I felt great physically and psychologically I dont know why I messed it all up by drinking this weekend. I have 2 young kids that deserve way better than what I am doing. Ughhhhh. welcome to day one again.
greenturtle
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 208
Hi RightLaine - I am totally with you on this. I think the mental part is worse than anything else - the loathing and self-hatred for messing up, AGAIN. Our children deserve better. We deserve better. Here's to Day 1!
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