Family Issues
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 48
Family Issues
Last year I went to rehab (at 20!) and completely turned my life around and now I'm on a great path to success. My family had hope in me, they respected me, and I was the "favorite".
I recently relapsed (today I'm 20 days sober), and when my family found out it was a ********, for lack of a better term. They called me trash, told me they didn't care about me, etc. They brought up every terrible thing I've done in life, literally! They read my journal out loud and tried to throw the horrible things I did when I was at the height of my drinking career back in my face.
Since then, they've adopted a strategy of either completely ignoring me, or speaking to me very harshly if they must communicate with me and now, my sister is getting a lot of their attention and spends a lot of time with them laughing and having a good time etc.
This is really starting to bother me because as much as I don't like to hang out with my parents, the fact that they are intentionally trying to alienate me is a little hurtful and I don't exactly know how to deal with it other than by just putting up a tough, hard shell.
But as all alcoholics know... you can only walk around with a tough attitude on for so long. How can I handle being alienated,treated harshly, and subject to my parents thoughts that my life is doomed to failure?
What are some positive thoughts I can tell myself, or prayers, or ANY suggestion anyone has to help me get through the tough times when my parents actions really break me down?
Thanks in advance!
I recently relapsed (today I'm 20 days sober), and when my family found out it was a ********, for lack of a better term. They called me trash, told me they didn't care about me, etc. They brought up every terrible thing I've done in life, literally! They read my journal out loud and tried to throw the horrible things I did when I was at the height of my drinking career back in my face.
Since then, they've adopted a strategy of either completely ignoring me, or speaking to me very harshly if they must communicate with me and now, my sister is getting a lot of their attention and spends a lot of time with them laughing and having a good time etc.
This is really starting to bother me because as much as I don't like to hang out with my parents, the fact that they are intentionally trying to alienate me is a little hurtful and I don't exactly know how to deal with it other than by just putting up a tough, hard shell.
But as all alcoholics know... you can only walk around with a tough attitude on for so long. How can I handle being alienated,treated harshly, and subject to my parents thoughts that my life is doomed to failure?
What are some positive thoughts I can tell myself, or prayers, or ANY suggestion anyone has to help me get through the tough times when my parents actions really break me down?
Thanks in advance!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I'm big on personal responsibility.
My drinking affected more than just me - I let down a lot of people, I annoyed infuriated and angered a lot of others, and whether it was fair or not, their responses were there for me to deal with.
If you can't move out - and I seem to remember that's not an option - then you're going to have to take the high road here I think.
Most people will react positively to positive changes in you, so work hard on your recovery, keep your nose clean and hopefully things will improve in a little while.
D
My drinking affected more than just me - I let down a lot of people, I annoyed infuriated and angered a lot of others, and whether it was fair or not, their responses were there for me to deal with.
If you can't move out - and I seem to remember that's not an option - then you're going to have to take the high road here I think.
Most people will react positively to positive changes in you, so work hard on your recovery, keep your nose clean and hopefully things will improve in a little while.
D
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I know this hurts tremendously, the only way to deal with it, is to ride it out. Keep moving forward in your recovery and let them be who they need to be.
I don't know what's going on with them, but it could be tough love, hurt, exasperation, resentment. It can be very painful and frustrating when we feel we've given someone a second, third, nineteenth chance, support, time, money, benefit of the doubt, love, trust...and we feel it's been thrown back in our face.
People who haven't been there don't understand the challenges and nature of recovery...including us when we first get into recovery...we don't even understand the process and must move forward in faith and determination.
Please do that, no matter what, move forward in faith and determination. you will never be sorry.
I don't know what's going on with them, but it could be tough love, hurt, exasperation, resentment. It can be very painful and frustrating when we feel we've given someone a second, third, nineteenth chance, support, time, money, benefit of the doubt, love, trust...and we feel it's been thrown back in our face.
People who haven't been there don't understand the challenges and nature of recovery...including us when we first get into recovery...we don't even understand the process and must move forward in faith and determination.
Please do that, no matter what, move forward in faith and determination. you will never be sorry.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Great responses so far.
I don`t know what it`s like to live with an alcoholic or addict, and I imagine that if I were family with one I don`t know how much compassion and tolerance I would have after a while. I don`t know how my wife and other family stood by me as I burned my life down to the ground. It takes time to heal these wounds. Just because we straighten up, doesn`t mean that everyone around us will just brush it off and get back to life normally. They have been hurt, disappointed, angered, etc. and they don`t know how to get out of that as much as we didn`t know how to get out of our alcoholism. Like us, it is going to take time for them to heal and feel a sense of normalcy, or new normalcy. They may not have the tools to confront their own hurts and heal. Ignoring you or getting terse with you might be all they know. You may have to give them time and to earn their trust by working on your own recovery, and not worrying about their reactions. Those laughs with your sister might be the only laughs they get right now - be happy that they are getting some joy out of something. Help them in any way that they need. Focus on your recovery, and remember, actions speak louder than words.
All the best
I don`t know what it`s like to live with an alcoholic or addict, and I imagine that if I were family with one I don`t know how much compassion and tolerance I would have after a while. I don`t know how my wife and other family stood by me as I burned my life down to the ground. It takes time to heal these wounds. Just because we straighten up, doesn`t mean that everyone around us will just brush it off and get back to life normally. They have been hurt, disappointed, angered, etc. and they don`t know how to get out of that as much as we didn`t know how to get out of our alcoholism. Like us, it is going to take time for them to heal and feel a sense of normalcy, or new normalcy. They may not have the tools to confront their own hurts and heal. Ignoring you or getting terse with you might be all they know. You may have to give them time and to earn their trust by working on your own recovery, and not worrying about their reactions. Those laughs with your sister might be the only laughs they get right now - be happy that they are getting some joy out of something. Help them in any way that they need. Focus on your recovery, and remember, actions speak louder than words.
All the best
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 48
Paul99- That is such perfect advice! Sometimes I need to get out of myself & my victim mentality & focus on my recovery... instead of focusing so much on how other people are reacting to my alcoholism because that will only hinder my progress.
I also appreciate that you said about letting my parents have the laughs with my sister, just like I need relief they do as well.
Thanks again.
I also appreciate that you said about letting my parents have the laughs with my sister, just like I need relief they do as well.
Thanks again.
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
I am the mother of an 18 year old daughter, and believe me, this girl has torn our family apart with her constant troublesome actions, behaviors, attitudes, etc.
Every time she cleaned up, it was like a honeymoon period, lasted days, sometimes weeks, but then something else would come up, and it was like everything she ever did came crashing down upon us. I liken it to a scab that never is allowed to heal. Keep ripping it open again and again, its the same hurt. We never got a chance to let it heal before she would throw something else at us.
Give your family time. Put your head down, and plow through the storm right now. Every single day that you can stay clean, and make good choices is another brick building back up the wall of trust. Work on you, and the wall will build itself. No parent wants to be mean, or give up on their child. Your parents actions are not helping you, or even themselves right now, and they don't mean it. Just hang in there.
Every time she cleaned up, it was like a honeymoon period, lasted days, sometimes weeks, but then something else would come up, and it was like everything she ever did came crashing down upon us. I liken it to a scab that never is allowed to heal. Keep ripping it open again and again, its the same hurt. We never got a chance to let it heal before she would throw something else at us.
Give your family time. Put your head down, and plow through the storm right now. Every single day that you can stay clean, and make good choices is another brick building back up the wall of trust. Work on you, and the wall will build itself. No parent wants to be mean, or give up on their child. Your parents actions are not helping you, or even themselves right now, and they don't mean it. Just hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am sending a hug, and saying I am proud for you. Good for you, not giving up. With time, perhaps they will see that you are really serious about living a good healthy life sober.
You have a lot of work to do, and I wish you well in your recovery. I hope that your family might learn to have a bit of compassion, for they could just as easily be in your shoes. Being cruel to someone who is struggling is wrong.
Hang in there, congrats on 20 days, by the way. that is great!
chicory
You have a lot of work to do, and I wish you well in your recovery. I hope that your family might learn to have a bit of compassion, for they could just as easily be in your shoes. Being cruel to someone who is struggling is wrong.
Hang in there, congrats on 20 days, by the way. that is great!
chicory
)))back at you!
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