confuseeed

Hey, I'm new here. I didn't know exactly where to put this thread so I decided to post this here.

Little background: I am 22, and have been using drugs and alcohol (quite heavily at most points during this time) for about 5 - 7 years. But it has lately gotten a lost worse. I was addicted Adderall first, then I started taking that along with alcohol (that's where my main issue...alcoholism? starts) then I started trying all kinds of other crap, got into benzos, adderall and alcohol, then i cut out the adderall.... then i cut out the benzos (sounding better right? nope! ) Then I dropped the alcohol and started doing heroin for all of last year, then i quit that and abused alcohol HEAVILY, we are talking at least 2.5 liters of wine if not more every single night for about 3 months. Then I started doing heroin again..and now alc.....

you get the point.

I'm obviously a real addict at heart, and I'm starting to become very unhappy and discouraged lately because of it. You see, it's not that I CAN'T be sober, it's that I hate it with a passion. Whenever I'm sober NOTHING is interesting, nothing is fun.

Basically what I'm saying (I'm ranting a lot, sorrry) is that I think I'm a little bit different than other addicts in the way that I don't enjoy anything, but subtance. It sounds weird, but I can't be happy unless I am either drunk, high, or having sex.. and that's pretty much it. Every once in a while I can have a couple good moments with a close friend IF we are having a really interesting conversation... but that's it, I don't enjoy anything.

I'm starting to get really worried because this has been going on for years and it's getting to the point where not even drugs can make me happy anymore and i'm really losing all hope...

2granddaughters

I hear you.

It got to the point where the alcohol/drugs weren't the problem. The problem was living without them like a normal person.

I tried everything and just before I gave up (died) I surrendered to Alcoholics Anonymous.

You are just like most alcoholics/addicts .. garden variety.

All the best.

Bob R

Anna

I think you are just the same as many, if not all, addicts. When I was drinking, I couldn't imagine how to get through an evening without drinking. I had no idea what to do.

When I stopped drinking, I started to become interested in other things. Give yourself a chance to get used to being completely sober before you write off sobriety as totally boring. You will be surprised how your perspective will change.

jobezee1

I know exactly how you feel. It sucks for sure. What I found was that the more alcohol I drank, and the more often that I drank, the more things that once brought me some sort of satisfaction or at least direction in life fell by the wayside. I lost interest in them because more of my time and energy was devoted to drinking.

I also know exactly how you feel when you say that even being intoxicated is no longer enjoyable. It was no longer enjoyable for me because I started losing more things because of it. Friends, family, jobs, money, things that kept me connected to the world. Eventually I found myself totally alone and I just can't describe the emptiness in my heart at that point. It hurt so much. All I wanted to do was numb that away and the only thing I could think to do was drink (or pop pills or whatever). It simply no longer worked.

I'm at the exact same point today as you are. But I know that I can earn back the trust of my family, friends, past employers, ect. but I have to remain sober to do that and it will take quite some time for them to trust me again. I brought that on myself.

I also frequently feel hopeless but I also realize that if I keep drinking the way I have been, I will die. Period. And death is the only situation that truly is hopeless. As long as you are alive, there is hope. I just tell myself that everyday, no matter how bad I feel....and believe me, I feel bad today.

Hang in there, buddy. You're only 22. We're all in this for ourselves, I realize that; but we're also in this together. I told myself this morning that, no matter what, I just won't drink today. Try a meeting. Sometimes it just helps to be around other people in the flesh that are going through the same thing. I just suggest this because I know that I feel my worst when I'm by myself, like now. Waiting for the 6 PM meeting now, one hour at a time.

Hevyn

Welcome confuseeed. I know what you mean - I fell back on alcohol to make me happy my whole life. It's understandable that you don't know how to proceed without it - but there is life after alcohol. It's just a matter of learning to live in a different way. You can do it.

I'm glad you joined us - you'll find all sorts of support and help here. Getting numb and foggy is not living. I'm glad you're learning this at only 22. I spent many more years damaging myself and missing out on life.

Fernaceman

I felt like that, too, when I was actively using. It didn't start getting better until I stopped and allowed my body and mind to start healing. It takes time. I got messed up for such a long time that I still to an extent don't know what my "main" interests are...I do, though, realize, that I will continue to get better only if I continue and maintain sobriety.

confuseeed

Wow, I'm really glad I posted this! Already a lot of helpful things said to me. I feel a lot better knowing that I am not alone on finding sobriety boring. Maybe I can beat this. I am still young, but I feel like I'm 40 sometimes, lol.

confuseeed

How long did it take for your interests to start coming into focus? Was it a long time?

theHomerSimpson

You have me wondering whether or not I should start the adderall I am being prescribed for adhd at 43 years old. Did you start it under advice of doctor or just used it for rec purpose?

Also seems like you are alot like myself with the self medicating to avoid boredom, maybe you should try seeing a therapist or attend a few AA/NA meetings and find out you are not alone. Just to sit and listen seems to help me, sort of misery loves company thing. Now that I do not feel I am NOT unique with my addiction problem its keeping my cravings at bay along with keeeping busy doing stuff all day long, some enjoyable and others not at all but idle time is when I get into stinkin thinkin.

Good luck and stay busy, at least you know you have a problem which is a great start, now you have to begin to fix yourself and stay clean, whatever way YOU choose. Lots of great advice here if you ask.

Patrick

noanxtime

At 22 - I was 40 - well, at least my liver was.
At 50, my 'fun' is much different, sober or when I was drinking.

confuseeed

Hey just replying to your question about adderall... I was advised by a doctor to take xanax, klonopin, ambien, and adderall all at one point or another. They knew about my addictive personality with alcohol. It was advised I go ahead and try it and for me it was a really bad idea.

Overall, I would advise against it patrick, but I think if you're problems are worth the possibility of addiction than you may want to continue with it anyways. For instance, I may have to go back on xanax even tho I really shouldn't because I have severe anxiety which majorly contributes to the alcohol. In my mind I think it would be better to be addicted to xanax (because it's prescribed and moderated by a health professional) rather than alcohol which is obviously never going to be a good thing for me.

least

I've been told that withdrawal from benzos is unbearable and can last for months. I'd try not to get addicted to xanax, if I were you.

artsoul

I think people with addictions to prescribed drugs might differ with you on that, confuseeed. I'm glad you're calling it quits on the alcohol, but you don't want to go down the same path with other addictive drugs.

It wouldn't hurt to talk to a doctor/psychiatrist with experience in addiction, because there are other options.