sunnyandsober

My husband decided last July to go to a detox to quit drinking. He was a daily drinker (nips).
He completed 5 days of the detox, came home and "found" a few nips somewhere and drank them - of course he said that was all he was going to have. Long story short, in February he ended up right back where he was when he went to detox in July. So I dropped him off at detox on Valentines day for this time an 8 day stay.
He came home and I honestly felt like this was it. He was participating in meetings, going to his IOP and really just seemed really really good.
I cant express how much I love my husband sober. He is so easy to get along with and such a pleasure to be around.
Today our neighbor called in the morning and was having car trouble and since my husband decided to take a few weeks off of work to take care of himself he went over and helped him out while I went to work. He called me around 4:30 and said he drank 3 nips.. I was still at work and had no clue how to react so I said I had to go and I would see him when I got home. I finished up what I was doing and I left work shortly after since my work day ends at 4:30.
I immediately called him crying and was upset . I just went right back to thinking he is going to be right back where he was less than a month ago.
He says nothing triggered him and he was fine and this he is glad this happened because now he knows he really cant drink and blah blah blah.. he cannot understand why I am so upset about it. I called his dad who has been in AA and sober for 12 years, he came right over and talked to me. My husband called him and said he was going to go to a meeting in the morning but immediately called me upset that I had called him (he wasnt home at this point).
So my question is - what is the appropriate way to react to a "slip"?
He does not have a sponsor and as far as I know doesnt want to ask anyone to be his sponsor.
I cant have a conversation with him because he is basically passed out right now and he keeps asking me to cuddle with him when that is the last thing I want - I dont even want to be near him right now.
We have no children but have been trying to have children for the past 4 years.
Any advice or help on this is appreciated.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome!

Hope you will check out our Friends and Family Forum--you will find a lot of folks there who get EXACTLY what you are dealing with. Al-Anon is another terrific resource.

I would put a hold on having children until/unless your husband is solidly sober--I would suggest at LEAST a year before trying.

There isn't a "rule" for how YOU react to a slip--the best thing for you to do is to get support for yourself so you can take good care of yourself regardless of whether he drinks or not.

Hope you will join us over at the F & F forum.

Recovery1983

Sunnyandsober, I feel that it's hard for people, who are not addicts/alcoholics, to understand what is actually going on in my head. I've tried many times explaining to my parents about my drinking and why I relapsed. They don't get it, and at this point, I don't even bother anymore. I usually just avoid talking about it because I get frustrated.

With your husband, I believe he is well aware of your disappointment and sadness. He has been exposed to all the literature and information about alcoholism. I am quite sure that he is beating himself up from some of these slips. However, some positives that I see in your posts is that he called you and told you that he slipped. Just as honesty is important in relationships, it is equally important in recovery.

I'm not trying to justify for your husband's slip, but this is part of the process. The most important thing that you have to remember is that this is HIS RECOVERY and not yours. I suggest that you be there for support when he needs you. Give him his space, or otherwise he'll build resentments towards you.

I recommend that you look at the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section on here. I have an aunt who goes to Al-anon, and that seems to help her a lot. Maybe you can look into some al-anon meetings. Al-anon = friends and family of alcoholics.

hirsty

Hi Sunny

This was quite a hard post to read as it perfectly describes the situation I put my partner in last week..

We originally met when I was drinking heavily and despite an on off relationship she decided she didn't really want to be with me.. We had some time apart and I decided to get sober.. When she found out from mutual friends I'd been sober for 3 months she was shocked and wanted to meet me again, at first she even said she wasn't even sure if she liked me anymore because I was such a different person.. But decided that she MUCH prefers the sober me..

Anyways, to cut a long story short, I'd been sober for 1.5 years until last week when I had a "slip" / "relapse" whatever you want to call it, where I picked up that first drink, and then a few days later found myself drinking everyday for 5 days before I realised that this was just crazy and then stopped again..

She was absolutely heart broken when she found out,, she said she could only describe the pain as if someone had died.. Which I found a little dramatic at the time, but I guess us drinkers don't really understand how much pain we put other people through..

When she saw me I wasn't even drinking that day, but the whole alcoholic episode had clearly "changed" me in some respect and like you she couldnt bear to be around me and went to stay with her mum..

We've had a talk and I've promised I won't drink again (A promise I know I can't necessarily keep, but I'm going to try my god damned best to stick to it as I'm truly disgusted by alcohol),, things are back on track between us, but like you I feel she needs the support of others going through this as she simply has no one to talk to, or anyone who even knows what she's going through..

I'm going to try and get her to go to an al anon meeting next week when she returns home from the army.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck

Elisabeth888

I am sorry for what you are going through.

I myself have relapsed a lot and put my husband through hell. I have not drank in almost six months though and how I am staying sober is working the steps with a sponsor in AA.

He needs to get a sponsor. He obviously cannot do it alone- few of us can. Tell him if he is serious about his sobriety, he needs a sponsor. And to go to meetings every day. It takes work to be sober and in recovery and he needs to do the work.

Just my two cents.

And take care of YOU.

TheEnd

When I relapsed after 6 months of sobriety, my partner took it out on me which actually made me continue to drink even more. I was pretty much like, screw it, I already messed up so I might as well continue to drink and wallow in self pity. If quitting drinking was easy, everybody would be doing it. I honestly think that if the person isn't becoming violent, acting irresponsible, or causing anybody harm then you should let it be. People make mistakes. Everyone has something they are dealing with. For some people it's weight. They just can't seem to lose weight and are always trying to diet. For me, that seemed easy. Like I said, everyone has something.

Db1105

I suggest you contact your local Al-Anon group.

SixStringZen

I disagree that slips are a part of recovery...of course, they happen, but they happen because they're part of the disease...

nancylee

Most importantly in my view is to hold off having children. Why would you even consider having a child with an active alcoholic? Do you hope it will get him sober? If anything, the stress of being responsible for another human being may make him worse. Do you really want to bring a child into this situation? I hope you rethink this. You cannot make your husband sober. Only he can do that.
Peace,
Nancy

nancylee

I agree with this. I think slips show you are NOT recovering. I don't know how the idea that they are part of a solid recovery ever got started. It is just illogical. Slips show an alcoholic is still drinking, not recovering.

Dee74

Sunny - welcome - this is the link to our Family and Friends forum:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I agree with others - there is not a 'right' way to react.

You didn't cause this, it's not down to you at all and there's nothing you could have done 'better' to 'make' your husband not drink again.

He's an alcoholic - we drink - and often for no reason at all.

I really hope your husband will throw himself into his recovery, and I hope that you'll visit our Family and Friends forum

D

LadyinBC

I am sorry you are going thru this. I don't believe in calling them "slips". Sounds too much like an accident and we don't "accidently" drink. We relapse.

The crappy thing about being an alcoholic for me is that I can never promise anyone that I will never drink again. I can only pray and hope that I never do. I will always be one drink away from tanking again, especially if I quit working on myself. It's a life time battle, not one that goes away anytime soon.

Sorry don't mean to sound so negative that is just the reality for me.