TuftyPanda

So I have started this journey to sobriety yet again. I used to drink every day, then for some months now I have reduced the intake. About 3 months ago I was down to once a week and blacking out every time. For the last 6 weeks I have slipped every 2 weeks. Terrified of these black outs, I was timid with the drinks but still the following day the feelings of guilt, the aches, the anxiety attacks, the shakes, the numbness creeping through limbs, the paranoia about what organs are failing... all of these things get worse every time. Now its not that I made a decision to drink every week or two. I made the decision to abstain and this is my fail pattern. I don't like thinking of alcoholism as some "disease" I have because I feel its more like a bad habit that can be overcome with mental focus. And the longer one can abstain, the more focus can be achieved. I notice a difference after 2 weeks of no booze as I am able to remember things better, I think faster, my moods are more often elevated, even my body seems to function better.

However...

With this developed pattern, this BINGE drinking, The damage is increasing. The hangovers become worse and worse. My heart palpitates causing panic attacks that will keep me awake at night. Now I have to not only make the decision to be sober or drunk, but to live or die. Make my mother proud or break her heart as she'll have outlived me. Eat delicious cuisine or become worm food. On that note, I would like to partake in a Gyro and an acai antioxidant smoothie today. F*** off Death, you cannot have me yet!

2granddaughters

Panda:

I know that roller coaster well. I couldn't get off it and stay off it until I surrendered to AA.

All the best.

Bob R

Tammy47

Yea, Tufty, the blackouts are what finally scared the .... outta me, into stopping. Best luck to you

Dave H

i don't mean to tell others what to do, but until you get clinical help, get sober and then atart attending meeting and taking your recovery serious, you will continue in this pattern.

Alcoholism will rob you of your character, dignity, your health, your family, friends and maybe even your life. Drinking alcohol is not worth any of that. Seek help. Start meetings and Stay Sober. God Bless!

soberclover

I admire your conviction Tufy! I relate to your comments about knowing the damage you are/have done because of drinking. My medical issues caused me to stop as well. It's been really hard but I'm in counseling, spend a lot of time checking in on this site, as well as reading/researching a ton regarding ways and means to avoid drinking again.

Dee74

Welcome back Panda

I recommend you also visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step non disease approach.

D

cflan

ah good luck to you! I am on day 3 and feel like a toxic wasteland. shakes sweats all of it~ I wish you the best Tufty thanks for your post!