My alcoholism story.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3
My alcoholism story.
I can drink more than most people I've come across. I look at a liter of vodka, or a 12 pack, and know it won't be enough.
I first tried alcohol when I was 13. I remember climbing up on a stool, and reaching way up to the top shelf in my kitchen, and grabbing my parent's bottle of Jack Daniels. I thought it tasted like absolute crap. In fact, I still do, but taste has never deterred me.
My dad has been an alcoholic for at least 20 years. He started drinking way back, about the same age as I did. Throughout my childhood, most memories are tainted with alcohol, but that was always normal for me. I thought nothing of it, other than the fact it was something "adults" did. He was never abusive, never overly angry or violent, he was simply a great dad. I can't blame any problems we had on alcohol.
I developed social anxiety as I entered middle school. Throughout 7th to 10th grade I jumped between tons of prescription medications. During 10th grade I was prescribed some Ativan. I soon learned to abuse them. It got me through school, which was a nightmare, and anything else that made me "anxious."
As time went on, it seems to me, now that I look back on it...That I was the junkie in our family, and my father was the alcoholic. As our addictions took control, and we began looking for a greater high, I started mixing alcohol with my drugs, and my dad started mixing drugs with his alcohol. You see, me and my dad were closer than any best friend I could wish to have. He shared his beer with me, and I was always willing to share my drugs with him.
He was never big into drugs, besides cocaine back in his college days. But one night, as we stood in our kitchen drinking beer, he told me he'd like a couple benzo's. Happy to please my dad, the one man I looked up to in life, and loved more than absolutely anything in life, I produced the bottle and readily shared. He also decided he'd like a Suboxone strip, which I was prescribed at the time for opiate addiction. He took 1 strip, and 2 Ativan, as far as I can remember. I took 3 strips, and many Ativan....I don't remember how many. As we layed upstairs in my bedroom, watching TV, trying not to wake up my mother (who was completely sober and against all drugs and alcohol) I remember my father muttering something intelligible, and passing out.
I don't remember passing out, but I woke up sometime around 4 a.m. I looked over at my father on the couch, and noticed no movement. I immediately tried to wake him up, and found that it was not possible. I gave him CPR, to no avail, and then gave up. I was then faced with waking up my mother, and calling 911, and explaining how my father died. And how I played a part in his death. I was 17 years old.
I'm now 18 years old. I drink or get high at least 4 times a week. It would be every day If I had the money or connections to make that happen. I know how to get help for my addictions, the problem is I don't want to. I don't care if this **** kills me....Sure it will break my mother's heart, and destroy my little brother, but somehow that isn't enough.
How do you all find the "want" to quit?
I first tried alcohol when I was 13. I remember climbing up on a stool, and reaching way up to the top shelf in my kitchen, and grabbing my parent's bottle of Jack Daniels. I thought it tasted like absolute crap. In fact, I still do, but taste has never deterred me.
My dad has been an alcoholic for at least 20 years. He started drinking way back, about the same age as I did. Throughout my childhood, most memories are tainted with alcohol, but that was always normal for me. I thought nothing of it, other than the fact it was something "adults" did. He was never abusive, never overly angry or violent, he was simply a great dad. I can't blame any problems we had on alcohol.
I developed social anxiety as I entered middle school. Throughout 7th to 10th grade I jumped between tons of prescription medications. During 10th grade I was prescribed some Ativan. I soon learned to abuse them. It got me through school, which was a nightmare, and anything else that made me "anxious."
As time went on, it seems to me, now that I look back on it...That I was the junkie in our family, and my father was the alcoholic. As our addictions took control, and we began looking for a greater high, I started mixing alcohol with my drugs, and my dad started mixing drugs with his alcohol. You see, me and my dad were closer than any best friend I could wish to have. He shared his beer with me, and I was always willing to share my drugs with him.
He was never big into drugs, besides cocaine back in his college days. But one night, as we stood in our kitchen drinking beer, he told me he'd like a couple benzo's. Happy to please my dad, the one man I looked up to in life, and loved more than absolutely anything in life, I produced the bottle and readily shared. He also decided he'd like a Suboxone strip, which I was prescribed at the time for opiate addiction. He took 1 strip, and 2 Ativan, as far as I can remember. I took 3 strips, and many Ativan....I don't remember how many. As we layed upstairs in my bedroom, watching TV, trying not to wake up my mother (who was completely sober and against all drugs and alcohol) I remember my father muttering something intelligible, and passing out.
I don't remember passing out, but I woke up sometime around 4 a.m. I looked over at my father on the couch, and noticed no movement. I immediately tried to wake him up, and found that it was not possible. I gave him CPR, to no avail, and then gave up. I was then faced with waking up my mother, and calling 911, and explaining how my father died. And how I played a part in his death. I was 17 years old.
I'm now 18 years old. I drink or get high at least 4 times a week. It would be every day If I had the money or connections to make that happen. I know how to get help for my addictions, the problem is I don't want to. I don't care if this **** kills me....Sure it will break my mother's heart, and destroy my little brother, but somehow that isn't enough.
How do you all find the "want" to quit?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by jshdae920 
I can drink more than most people I've come across. I look at a liter of vodka, or a 12 pack, and know it won't be enough.
I first tried alcohol when I was 13. I remember climbing up on a stool, and reaching way up to the top shelf in my kitchen, and grabbing my parent's bottle of Jack Daniels. I thought it tasted like absolute crap. In fact, I still do, but taste has never deterred me.
My dad has been an alcoholic for at least 20 years. He started drinking way back, about the same age as I did. Throughout my childhood, most memories are tainted with alcohol, but that was always normal for me. I thought nothing of it, other than the fact it was something "adults" did. He was never abusive, never overly angry or violent, he was simply a great dad. I can't blame any problems we had on alcohol.
I developed social anxiety as I entered middle school. Throughout 7th to 10th grade I jumped between tons of prescription medications. During 10th grade I was prescribed some Ativan. I soon learned to abuse them. It got me through school, which was a nightmare, and anything else that made me "anxious."
As time went on, it seems to me, now that I look back on it...That I was the junkie in our family, and my father was the alcoholic. As our addictions took control, and we began looking for a greater high, I started mixing alcohol with my drugs, and my dad started mixing drugs with his alcohol. You see, me and my dad were closer than any best friend I could wish to have. He shared his beer with me, and I was always willing to share my drugs with him.
He was never big into drugs, besides cocaine back in his college days. But one night, as we stood in our kitchen drinking beer, he told me he'd like a couple benzo's. Happy to please my dad, the one man I looked up to in life, and loved more than absolutely anything in life, I produced the bottle and readily shared. He also decided he'd like a Suboxone strip, which I was prescribed at the time for opiate addiction. He took 1 strip, and 2 Ativan, as far as I can remember. I took 3 strips, and many Ativan....I don't remember how many. As we layed upstairs in my bedroom, watching TV, trying not to wake up my mother (who was completely sober and against all drugs and alcohol) I remember my father muttering something intelligible, and passing out.
I don't remember passing out, but I woke up sometime around 4 a.m. I looked over at my father on the couch, and noticed no movement. I immediately tried to wake him up, and found that it was not possible. I gave him CPR, to no avail, and then gave up. I was then faced with waking up my mother, and calling 911, and explaining how my father died. And how I played a part in his death. I was 17 years old.
I'm now 18 years old. I drink or get high at least 4 times a week. It would be every day If I had the money or connections to make that happen. I know how to get help for my addictions, the problem is I don't want to. I don't care if this **** kills me....Sure it will break my mother's heart, and destroy my little brother, but somehow that isn't enough.
How do you all find the "want" to quit?
I first tried alcohol when I was 13. I remember climbing up on a stool, and reaching way up to the top shelf in my kitchen, and grabbing my parent's bottle of Jack Daniels. I thought it tasted like absolute crap. In fact, I still do, but taste has never deterred me.
My dad has been an alcoholic for at least 20 years. He started drinking way back, about the same age as I did. Throughout my childhood, most memories are tainted with alcohol, but that was always normal for me. I thought nothing of it, other than the fact it was something "adults" did. He was never abusive, never overly angry or violent, he was simply a great dad. I can't blame any problems we had on alcohol.
I developed social anxiety as I entered middle school. Throughout 7th to 10th grade I jumped between tons of prescription medications. During 10th grade I was prescribed some Ativan. I soon learned to abuse them. It got me through school, which was a nightmare, and anything else that made me "anxious."
As time went on, it seems to me, now that I look back on it...That I was the junkie in our family, and my father was the alcoholic. As our addictions took control, and we began looking for a greater high, I started mixing alcohol with my drugs, and my dad started mixing drugs with his alcohol. You see, me and my dad were closer than any best friend I could wish to have. He shared his beer with me, and I was always willing to share my drugs with him.
He was never big into drugs, besides cocaine back in his college days. But one night, as we stood in our kitchen drinking beer, he told me he'd like a couple benzo's. Happy to please my dad, the one man I looked up to in life, and loved more than absolutely anything in life, I produced the bottle and readily shared. He also decided he'd like a Suboxone strip, which I was prescribed at the time for opiate addiction. He took 1 strip, and 2 Ativan, as far as I can remember. I took 3 strips, and many Ativan....I don't remember how many. As we layed upstairs in my bedroom, watching TV, trying not to wake up my mother (who was completely sober and against all drugs and alcohol) I remember my father muttering something intelligible, and passing out.
I don't remember passing out, but I woke up sometime around 4 a.m. I looked over at my father on the couch, and noticed no movement. I immediately tried to wake him up, and found that it was not possible. I gave him CPR, to no avail, and then gave up. I was then faced with waking up my mother, and calling 911, and explaining how my father died. And how I played a part in his death. I was 17 years old.
I'm now 18 years old. I drink or get high at least 4 times a week. It would be every day If I had the money or connections to make that happen. I know how to get help for my addictions, the problem is I don't want to. I don't care if this **** kills me....Sure it will break my mother's heart, and destroy my little brother, but somehow that isn't enough.
How do you all find the "want" to quit?
Maybe no one told you, but its not your fault.
Your dad was an adult. He messed up. It's sad, but that's the truth.
Can you focus on what is left, because you can still have a good life, if you will let yourself.
Why not stop for a while, check into rehab. Life can get immensely better for you, especially with so much time ahead of you. You definitely have the chance to change here, and it sounds like really deep down you might want to.
It's scary, but you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
You already want to quit on some level or you wouldn't be here.
I'm sorry about your dad, but don't blame yourself for his death - your dad would've found drugs from someone else. Have you gone to any counseling over this? I think that would be wise and a therapist can deal with grief, guilt and drug/alcohol abuse issues.
By the way there is a grief forum here too.
Good luck and keep posting.
I'm sorry about your dad, but don't blame yourself for his death - your dad would've found drugs from someone else. Have you gone to any counseling over this? I think that would be wise and a therapist can deal with grief, guilt and drug/alcohol abuse issues.
By the way there is a grief forum here too.
Good luck and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
That is a heartbreaking story and I'm sorry you've had to face that at such an early age.
The thing that struck me is that you need to really believe that his death was not your fault. And that is unlikely to happen without specialist help.
It is hard for you to imagine a life without the drugs and alcohol because that's all you've ever known. But there is a life beyond it, a good life, but you need to be shown the way.
You have opened up to us here and that's a great start. Now you need to seek out some help closer to home. Can you go and speak to your doc, can you ring someone from NA?
I know this all seems impossibly hard at the moment, but you are so young, you have so much of your life ahead of you.
Reach out for help xx
The thing that struck me is that you need to really believe that his death was not your fault. And that is unlikely to happen without specialist help.
It is hard for you to imagine a life without the drugs and alcohol because that's all you've ever known. But there is a life beyond it, a good life, but you need to be shown the way.
You have opened up to us here and that's a great start. Now you need to seek out some help closer to home. Can you go and speak to your doc, can you ring someone from NA?
I know this all seems impossibly hard at the moment, but you are so young, you have so much of your life ahead of you.
Reach out for help xx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 277
You already want to quit on some level or you wouldn't be here.
We are really sorry for what happened to your dad. It must be really hard on youYou must remove all the feelings that you were responsible for that. It was his destiny which was already written through his own " karma " ( Actions in simple words ) .
Now , for a moment , imaging you are in the year 2033 ( around 20 years ) from now on. The exact story happens to you and this time , it is your son who would give you all those drugs and same thing happens .. Would you blame your son or yourselves ?
Please be rest assured , your dad in heaven , is not blaming you now. He is wanting you to stop and live a normal life so that you can have a son who will make both you and your dad proud. Please do not throw away your life through guilt about your dad.. We are here to support you. Get a counselor , see a GP and go through a safe detox. Life will be much better.It is hard but worth than anything else in life.
We are really sorry for what happened to your dad. It must be really hard on youYou must remove all the feelings that you were responsible for that. It was his destiny which was already written through his own " karma " ( Actions in simple words ) .
Now , for a moment , imaging you are in the year 2033 ( around 20 years ) from now on. The exact story happens to you and this time , it is your son who would give you all those drugs and same thing happens .. Would you blame your son or yourselves ?
Please be rest assured , your dad in heaven , is not blaming you now. He is wanting you to stop and live a normal life so that you can have a son who will make both you and your dad proud. Please do not throw away your life through guilt about your dad.. We are here to support you. Get a counselor , see a GP and go through a safe detox. Life will be much better.It is hard but worth than anything else in life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3
Thanks for the replies. The only problem I have with any sort of help is that my dream is to join the military. If I have any record of psychiatric disorders or treatment for addiction, I will be permanently disqualified from enlisting.
If this dream is taken away from me, I don't know what I'll do. Therefore treatment has really just been out of the question for me...
If this dream is taken away from me, I don't know what I'll do. Therefore treatment has really just been out of the question for me...
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Jshdae920, it's incredibly sad what happened to your Dad. I can't say I know how you feel, I don't. Try asking yourself what your Dad would want, would he want you to be miserable? He'll always be part of your collection of memories, in that way he'll always be with you. As the ultimate tribute to him only make good decisions going forward. I don't know what your religious beliefs are but you can do everything in his honor regardless.
Change comes from within, you have to want it. Do whatever it takes, there are tons of resources out there other than a psych ward. Support groups, that type of thing. Stay strong, maybe someone else has some better thoughts or ideas.
Change comes from within, you have to want it. Do whatever it takes, there are tons of resources out there other than a psych ward. Support groups, that type of thing. Stay strong, maybe someone else has some better thoughts or ideas.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
Originally Posted by jshdae920
If this dream is taken away from me, I don't know what I'll do. Therefore treatment has really just been out of the question for me...
I guess it depends on whether your desire to use is greater than your desire to enlist.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Keep drinking and that dream is likely to go up in smoke anyway. DUIs or the other stupid stuff we do while drinking are not exactly career enhancers. Plus the military doesn't exactly smile on the drunken antics that were tolerated just a few years ago. They have had major embarrassments as a result of events occurring while people are getting loaded.
I second the idea of AA. Completely anonymous (and nobody looks down on anyone in the military for being in AA, since people with decades of sobriety are members, too). Go sit in a few meetings and just listen. See if you can relate to what other people say about how they felt about alcohol. And take a look at how happy and productive their lives are now. You might just decide you "want what they have."
Incidentally, my first husband (whom I met when he was a raging drunk at age 18) got sober when he was 21. He's now sober 33 years, and is grateful every day that he got sober when he did. I don't think he would have lived past 25 if he had continued to drink. And he has had a GREAT life.
I second the idea of AA. Completely anonymous (and nobody looks down on anyone in the military for being in AA, since people with decades of sobriety are members, too). Go sit in a few meetings and just listen. See if you can relate to what other people say about how they felt about alcohol. And take a look at how happy and productive their lives are now. You might just decide you "want what they have."
Incidentally, my first husband (whom I met when he was a raging drunk at age 18) got sober when he was 21. He's now sober 33 years, and is grateful every day that he got sober when he did. I don't think he would have lived past 25 if he had continued to drink. And he has had a GREAT life.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by jshdae920
Thanks for the replies. The only problem I have with any sort of help is that my dream is to join the military. If I have any record of psychiatric disorders or treatment for addiction, I will be permanently disqualified from enlisting.
If this dream is taken away from me, I don't know what I'll do. Therefore treatment has really just been out of the question for me...
If this dream is taken away from me, I don't know what I'll do. Therefore treatment has really just been out of the question for me...
My sister has psychology and nursing degrees. As she researched and discovered, the real reason they raised the drinking age to 21 is that the brain is not fully formed until the early twenties. Your brain, and mine, grew up under the influence. If you start getting straight now, you stand a chance of correcting the malformation of your brain and having a normal life.
There are plenty of options available to you that can be found on here that are totally anonymous. If you want to get straight and sober, keep reading, keep searching, keep talking. We're here for you.
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Your story literally made me tear up. I am so so sorry, that at the young age of 17 you not only lost your father, but also took some blame for his death.
You can change your life. But its up to you.
You have a lot of life to live. Dont live it in the blur of being under the influence.
You can change your life. But its up to you.
You have a lot of life to live. Dont live it in the blur of being under the influence.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by jshdae920
How do you all find the "want" to quit?
I took my mustard seed of willingness, got down on my knees and asked whatever God there was to help me, then I got up and walked to the AA meeting.
I found many people there who were just like me. I always thought I was different ... so unique ... so hopeless. They hugged me and said to grab a coffee and sit down. Everything will be OK.
I doubted that I would ever be OK but I made the decision that if I was going to die or go crazy that it would be in the AA clubroom and not in a bar or streetcorner.
The oldtimers in AA loved me until I was able to love myself. It continues today to get better and it's been over 23 years since I had a drink/drug.
I was hooked on booze and Valium, I tried to commit suicide in 1989 taking Valium before I committed to AA.
Your sobriety is #1 on the priority list. Without it all else will disappear anyway.
You are standing at the turning point... I have been there. Ask God what to do and do it.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
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