Twinco

My wife is 37 days sober after going through a 10 day detox. Her blood alcohol on starting detox was .45 and you could not even tell that she had been drinking, seemed perfectly normal. This is her first time in detox. She suffered through the DT's, but is now doing wonderfully and taking Antabuse. My concern is that she believes that "someday" she can have a beer or glass of wine now and then. Also when I ask her if she thinks that she is an alcoholic she responds with "I guess so". My concern is that she does not fully realize the gravity of the situation and is in denial. Is this part of the disease, does it pass, and how should I deal with this?

theHomerSimpson

Hang in there, someone here will answer some of your questions which I am not able to do since I am too early in sobriety. Take it easy and I wish her the best.

jennikate

Sounds like me. Not now, of course. Sadly, I had to go through a lot more before I realized the reality of being an alcoholic. I always say I am very talented at denial. It wasn't until my life was in tatters and I was completely desperate that I woke up and was able to come to terms with never drinking again. I still remind myself of this daily. It no longer depresses me, however. Now I feel free from the obsession. I will keep you and your wife in my thoughts because it sounds like she is still fighting. I hope for her sake that she gets it before it is too late. This disease sucks-as they say-cunning, baffling, powerful!

doggonecarl

Is your wife in any kind of recovery?

Part of recovery is accepting that you can never drink again. But denial is strong, as is the lies our addiction feeds us, and many never give up the dream of being a normal drinker.

robgt350

twinco

i thought the same thing for a while. the longer i remain sober, the more i think i cannot drink again.

CodeNameGiggles

Twinco - this sounds similar to my husband. He was in detox for almost two weeks and around the 4 month sober mark started talking about how he could eventually have a drink, maybe once a week.

Within the 6 months after his detox, and while he was actively in AA (though, not working his steps...he stalled on 4 and never finished it), he started having a one drink. He just 'wanted to be a normal person who could have a drink.' Shortly after, he stopped going to AA because "he didn't want to be 'one of those guys.'" It will be 2 years this July and he's now back up to a .175 in a week or less....

omegasupreme

I would suggest looking at the other side of the denial coin...the one that shines back at me like a mirror. The belligerent denial that I still get even with a substantial amount of time from a drink(3.5yrs), lots of experience in AA, and working with many others...and that form of denial is that I think I can do something about someone else's drinking. I can't. I am just as powerless over someone else's drinking as I am my own.

Now, if you aren't alcoholic, then being powerless over alcohol may not make much sense at first, especially in the way that alcoholics are. Unfortunately self willing someone sober doesn't work. God knows my ex-wife tried plenty. Ultimately she found some useful stuff in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous(can be found for free online; google it). It has a chapter to the wives(partners) and a chapter to the family afterward. Both extremely useful.

I'm grateful she read them and eventually left me. It was in the best interest of our son and eventually in the best interest of me too. Talk about hitting bottom, when it occurs to me one day that if I died they probably couldn't find 6 people to carry my casket at my funeral because I had pushed them all away or sitting in jail with stamps and envelopes and realizing I didn't really have anyone to write letters to to use them....stuff like that is what I needed to snap through that denial and even begin to face reality.

I pray your wife finds the gift of desperation.

Eddie2010

With a 0.45 she's lucky to be alive. I've seen a couple that were higher, but they spent weeks in an ICU.

With this denial thing. I wonder if it would help people accept things faster if a friend took a video of the person while wasted and then forced them to watch it repeatedly. And I don't mean the "funny" youtube stuff.

flutter

I was admitted to the ER once with a .56 BAC. Obviously I didn't die.. the doctors only said it was because (the fact that I didn't die) I had been drinking a LOT, often.

That being said, as much as I knew I needed to stop drinking.. I didn't *want* to have to. I drank again 3 weeks later, very proud of myself for quitting for that long (awful though process, huh?). Course, I returned exactly to my old habits, and even worse.. very quickly.

I quit again (for good), a few months after that hospitalization (which was actually just a few hours with an IV and release with some anti-seizure meds).

I was (at first) terrified to say outloud that I could and would never drink again, I was terrified to quit, terrified to drink again after I said I would quit, even though I knew I needed to. None of us can really say what that turning point is or will be. My hospitalization should have been the light switch, but wasn't. Until someone gets to that point where never ever is the only deal, the risk of returning to drinking is obviously very high.

Do you attend alanon meetings?

CodeNameGiggles

It might with some people, but it most certainly didn't work with my husband. My husband had unflattering evidence in front of him many times even before he was at his worst - including being kicked out of places (with pictures), peeing his pants in public (with pictures), and pictures of his friends putting him in embarassing situations while drunk.

He always had, and always will have, a "reasonable" explanation for those things.

awuh1

Codenamegiggles and Twinco, I would like to suggest that your spouse’s read this. http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

If they are then interested the rest of the book can be found here.
Big Book On Line

Linked with permission of AA world services

0percentABV

Is this her first time stopping? Chances are it will take a few more tumbles before she see's the light. Most people just don't go from drinking on a regular basis to "I'm an alcoholic and I'm quitting for good!" There's typically are loose version of the 5 steps of grief when the drinking comes to a head: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Hopefully they go quickly, Mine took about 3 years: 2 years of denial (tail end of my drinking, knew I had a problem but didn't want to accept it), 4 months of mild anger though it was more jealousy (first shot at sobriety), 4 months of bargaining (drinking again, trying to control it after I was "good") 1 month sober then 3 months of depression (trying to control again and losing control in ways I never lost control before and hating myself, anxiety was extreme and I had two panic attacks) and now I'm in the acceptance phase and I love it. In my opinion if you can't embrace sobriety and be proud of it you will have a hard time.

I wish you the best. Check out Alanon. Stick around here and absorb what people say. The best tool you can have in this situation is knowledge.

paul99

I always had a reasonable explanation for things. I could convince some people that black was white and up was down. Some I didn't. The one person I convinced that things weren't that bad was myself. My wife will tell me to this day how bad my denial was. It was staggering, even in the light of any "evidence".

Rubysoho

It took me around 4months of being sober to finally see that I'm an alcoholic. I said it before then but I didn't mean it. I needed to stop when I did because my health was so bad, but I couldn't get my head around the 'A word' for a long time. I got there though. I'm 6months sober now, and I still have days of denial, but I can see them for what they are, denial! As long as she can stay sober until she's ready to accept the situation, she will be ok. I wish the best for you and your wife.

Twinco

Thank you for all the very helpful replies. Yes, I am going to Al Anon and am learning a lot. My wife is still doing well and I pray for her and hopefully I am being supportive of her. Yes, this is her first time in recovery.

Dee74

Best wishes to you and your wife twinco

I think most of us believe in 'someday'...at least initially...some hope longer than others.
I hope your wife's journey to acceptance will be a short one

D