Onelastchance22

To sum things up, I'm a college senior at a small school. I was supposed to graduate a year ago but had to leave school because of my binge drinking. I was a real wreck. Anyway, I tried again last semester and went on a month binder and was taken out of school to go a rehab. Rehab helped and was a blessing, but due to depression I relapsed shorty after, then about once again a month later this school year.

I don't know what happened last week but I ended up picking up on Saturday. That night I watched Flight and it really disturbed me to the point where I decided to drink. Anyway, things got bad fast. Showed my ass in front of a group of my classmates one night, almost fought one of them (dont know why), almost crashed my car several times, ran out of money, had me mom curse me out real bad before she went to her first Al-Alon meeting, used a bunch of lose change to buy liquor once the money was gone, then was planing on stealing at that point but I knew I wasn't in good enough shape mentally to get away. Oh yea, missed a whole week of class..

So I let a close friend know my situation and she took me to a hospital to get detoxed. The bed they have me was directly next to the nurses desks so I could pretty much hear everything through my curtain. They pulled up my file and seen that I have been detoxed 7 times before. Everyone was like what the **** is wrong with this guy, what a f******** idiot. Then I believe somehow a girl that seen me the night I was an ass happened to be working at that hospital that night. All I could hear was how much of a weirdo I am, what a loser I am, how I miss class for weeks at a time, how apparently im a pervert (knews to me), and how disgusting I live when I go through my binges (when I stop giving a *** about cleaning, its bc alcohol is my only concern) So basically I was the entertainment of the staff's night. When I finnaly had the chance to leave the ER all I could hear from the nurses under their breath was "thats him"...."what a weirdo"

Leaving the hospital I went to the pharmacy to pick up my Meds 2 help me come down. A girl walks up to the counter, then the pharmacist and her walk two aisles back and the fist thing I head is Yoo, was that the guy with the IV? Then, I proceed to hear my story again and at this point in time I just wanted to die on the spot. I finally hop in the car and I vaguely recognize the girl.

So apparently this girl knows my entire drunk a log and it kinda creeps me out since I know almost nothing about her. But whats killing me inside is the shame, embarrassment, and guilt. I just feel as though I'm not strong enough to go back to school tomorrow. I just don't want to face my peers feeling like a second rate citizen through all the gossip. I know I've done a lot of crazy sh**t in the past 2 years, but that was all through a substance that I am addicted to and cannot drink safely. I guess that I just hate personal/criticism and worry about too much what people think about me. Especially when im labeled as a weirdo (I know ive done a lot of weird things in the past but how many drinkers during binges act normal)?. I can honestly say im done drinking completely now. The pain is too great. The hard part is just going to be getting through these next few days because I'm still not back to 100%.

I talked to 2 sponsers that basically told me Im going to have to man up, my dad said the same thing, and my mom told to not give a single **** about whoever that has anything to say or the laughter & chatter I may hear.

Sorry for the long story but I figured I needed to get it off my chest, and maybe someone hear can give me some useful advice or inspiration.

sugarbear1

What others think of me is none of my business.

You're going to be ok. Go and take care of your education for you.

We're all flawed humans with a set of strengths and needs.

Move forward and just don't drink so you don't add to your own misery.

I wish you well on your sober journey!!

With hugs,
~SB

theHomerSimpson

That sucks! I know 1st hand when we overhear people talking/gossiping about us the feeling that goes through our minds,the embarassment and humility. It will stop if we stop,until then we give them reasons to gossip. Hold your head up tomorrow and try not to stay in playback mode, our minds tend to make things like this bigger than they actually are. I, too, have to go face the gossipers(who hate thier own lives in some way to feel the need to gossip) today,tomorrow and until they cannot find anything bad about me and move onto the next 'victim'! Just do what you need to do which sounds like not drinking to me. Thank you for taking time to write that,I appreciated it and hope you dont let them get to you too deep,otherwise they win. Now go win back tomorrow and smile!

Patrick

Lionne

You will get through this. I remember the absolute shame of having to go to uni the day after some less salubrious drunken escapades in front of my peers. Facing people can feel hard, but you can do it.
Don´t let it deter you from your progress in sobriety.Try not to think to much about what others might think. People will notice the change in time, and until then, best is to stick to supportive people and let the others chatter. Sounds like you made it out of that binge relatively unscathed, besides the humiliation and the feeling of shame. You don´t have to feel like this ever again, because it´s at the first drink where you lose control over what´s going to happen.
It´s very possible to turn things around and finish your education decently. (it´s pretty much what I did, I was also a college alcoholic) I wish you a lot of courage,
best wishes, L.

Valll

Hi Onelastchance22,

We all do stupid things at some time in our lives - everyone knows that and most people do not judge us. But some always will...and as long as we know who we are, and those that truly know us - that is all that matters.

Take carex

2granddaughters

After your rehab did you attend AA meetings regularly? Rehab will dry you out, then you have to work a program to stay sober

All the best.

Bob R

desserts

Well not sure what to say here. I had similar experiences early in my college career, I did quit drinking and have been sober for over a year and a half. I consider my reputation to have been ruined and I feel guilty every day about it. I hear it will go away in time but if your anything like me for a next while you will feel very bad about the people you hurt/money wasted/reputation hurt etc. The key is to harness your guilt to make you a more mature person in the future, and help people more than you have hurt them in the future. Stop drinking, get psychiatric help if you need it. I cope by keeping a low profile and being a workaholic. We are all flawed people and the key is you cannot change the past and you cant change what people already know about you. Good luck and concentrate on your studies!

Valll

P.S. we all, most of us feel weird (different!) but to be honest, we all have the same/similiar weaknesses...you are normal believe me and don't be afraid.

Just make sure that you take care of youself.

Be sensible.

Valx

TheEnd

Having said all that. Are you embarrassed enough to get some help and fix your life? You are so young and have your whole future ahead of you. Sure it looks bad now, but "Hey" you made your bed, now it's time to lie in it. Now you can go through this situation doing the things it will take to clean your life up and to never have to worry about this again or you can continue down this path. It's up to you, you must decide.

awuh1

In order to overcome the feelings you are now experiencing, wrongs must be corrected. So…at your first opportunity, make it clear to anyone who will listen, that you wish to do so. You don’t necessarily need to be specific about anything that you have done, not even your drinking. What is necessary in my opinion, is to offer to make things right. I think you may need to do this often, and to people you scarcely know. This will take a great deal of courage. My suggestion is to first do this with someone who you know you have wronged. Make the offer to make things right. Ask what you need to do to accomplish this. THEN DO IT.

I believe you will receive a good reception from most people you approach, but not from all. If you are earnest and sincere in your desire to make things right (including to leave your drinking behind you forever) I believe this process will get easier as you continue.

Correcting wrongs is more important than your feelings. Put yourself second. It’s part of adopting a principled way of life. If you don’t think you can do this right away work with a sponsor to get to the point that you can. I believe that this is the point where the magic will happen.

Best wishes

Fernaceman

The past is the past and you can't change it. I have done some very embarrassing things, and made myself the talk of the hospital/school/town/group more than once in my life. Ripping out IVs and attempting to leave hospitals was something I did more than once. I was once the guy in the hospital fighting and resisting the entire staff as they dragged me into the psych ward. Pants being ripped and removed during the struggle. Was not one of my finer moments.

Thinking about some of those experiences still makes me cringe a little bit. But, I can't change them. I can only do my best to try to not let that happen again. That includes committing and doing whatever I can for my sobriety on a daily basis. The more I ponder and reflect on those experiences, the more I can honestly see how each and every one of them was one of many events put into place to get me to where I am at today. And hopefully going through those experiences, and sharing hope with another that it is possible to get past it, and life does get better, makes that OK.

Groovitational

hey there. sounds like we're around the same age. I know what it feels like to be that person that's talked about after a wild night. i've done some really crazy stuff too.

it sucks, but soon people will be talking about something else. work on repairing your relationships after you work on repairing yourself. people might have a different opinion of you, but you can't do anything about that except live everyday how you want to be. eventually you'll (and they'll) find that you are a different person.

congrats on seeing that you don't need alcohol in your life. you can make it and don't let petty gossip make you slip.

p.s. i recently joined and can attest that these forums are so helpful.

Anna

Instead of feeling shame and embarassment at what happened, feel proud that you are picking yourself up and moving on. What you are doing takes courage and strength. In my recovery, I have learned to not care what others think of me. I devoted far too much energy to that in the past, and it ended badly. I have also found that everyone has a story. No one is as together or perfect as they seem to be.

tomsteve

yer not a ****** idiot. yer not a weirdo. and yer not a bad man. you are a sick man!
and ther is a solution!!! this isnt the end of the world! this is a thread i posted about a friend who passed away recently:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3842791

here is part of his obituary:
Joseph was born Sept. 1, 1939 in Detroit, to Joseph B. and Gertrude (Ruth) Breaugh. He attended St Rita’s School in Detroit until 10th grade, then graduated from Mio AuSable Schools with the Class of 1957. He graduated from Central Michigan University in 1961 with his bachelor’s degree.

After graduation, Joseph served his country in the U.S. Army from 1961-1963 as an executive officer. From 1963-64, he worked on and received his MA degree from Central Michigan University. He started working on his doctorate at Wayne State University in 1964, completing all but his formal dissertation. He became an assistant director of the social science program at Wayne State.

In 1970, Joseph went to the University of Windsor-Ontario, where he worked as an assistant professor, later becoming the director of epidemiology in 1973. He began his employment with the state of Michigan in 1975 as a children’s protective services social worker. In 1976, he became the assistant director of the Montmorency and Oscoda County Family Independence Agency, retiring in 1997. Joseph then went on to serve on the National Council on Crime and Delinquency as a senior researcher. He officially retired from all of his positions in 2006.

During his lifetime, Joseph taught at Sacred Heart Academy in Mount Pleasant, the University of Tennessee, Central Michigan University, Macomb Community College, Oakland Community College, Kirtland Community College, Oakland University, the University of Windsor-Ontario and Henry Ford Community College.

He also served on many committees, including the National Council for Catholic Teaching and the school board for Warren Consolidated Schools for six years, and he began the Oscoda County Transportation Authority and served for 20 years. He also served on the AuSable Valley Community Mental Health Board, the AuSable Valley Nursing Home Board, the Family First Board, and the Wrap-Around Services Board.

this man, a man who ended up living in the doorway of the cass corridor, was an amazingly well educated man. sobriety was accomplished, and he was able to put all of his teachings to use as an active, productive member of society.
hope...thats how it all started.

Sudz No More

Been there Buddy, it sucks when people gawk at you but you just gotta let it roll off of you. Years back when I was still pretty new at Culinary Arts I joined a Hotel team and made a few mistakes plating up. The Chef didn't want to let me help plating up anymore and even yelled "NO!" when I tried to approach one just days after my mistake. Then another person laughed a hearty laugh a few days later when I was asked by the Chef to help another plate up. I went and helped and got through it gritting through the stress of feeling like a reject.

I just kept getting up though after being knocked on my ass, dusting myself off and going back at it. I continued to improve to the point of getting Employee of the Month and a close friend commented after the applause of the whole team that I just keep moving forward. I never let the naysayers get me down and I never gave up.

Just tell them all straight up the truth, that you struggle with an illness but you are trying real hard to get better. Forget any one who wants to still look down at you, they aren't worth your time.

Just focus on your own journey and what matters to you, the rest will sort itself out.

Justfor1

I have been detoxed probably close to 20+ times. Usually 2-3 days because I had no insurance. I relate to hearing them talking about you. One time I was taken in by police who found me staggering around in a alley without my wallet, cell phone ect... The hospital didn't want to admit me but the police insisted. It's sad when jaded inner-city cops have more sympathy for you than hospital staff. Of course, I had detoxed there just a few weeks before & I was a demanding patient. I would request drugs, sandwiches, television ect... Today I am sober and I look back at that incident and laugh. I am not ashamed anymore because I know I was a very sick person. Don't worry about what some arrogant over-educate low esteem nurse said about you. You can get sober.

Dee74

I used to be the neighbourhood drunk - you know that guy who smells, stumbles around and noone wants to sit next to on the bus.

I cleaned myself up and I rehabilitated myself and my reputation.
Noone throws my past in my face anymore.

You can do this too - the first step is to stop drinking, and to find the support you need to make that happen

Try rethinking this, less passively.

You're not a helpless victim - you can make different, better healthier choices OLC.
It's up to you to make the next two years better ones.

If I can do it, you can too

D

stepping

Awe! I have missed SR in my transition to a new place.

Such great advice here, OLC.

I can not even count the number of times I have made a complete idiot of myself and done things I would have never dreamed of doing sober. Those are things IN MY PAST! I learned from them. They show me where I do not want to go again. You can learn from this too! You have the amunition to move forward and away from these things. In the meantime try not to worry about what people say about you. I know it is hard but people are going to talk no matter what. Next week someone else will capture their interests. By then you will be past this and moving up. BUT ONE THING HAS TO BE NECESSARY FOR THIS TO OCCUR......stop drinking and start recovering. Like Dee said...If I can do this and lots of others here too, you can too, OLC. Hang in there!

NewxYork

I too missed a whole year of college because of my drinking and when I did walk into the classroom I would fill the whole room with the smell of alcohol. That shame you feel makes you wanna drink more. Just say F it, your not spending the rest of your life with these people. Also, sometimes we exaggerate our importance to other strangers. When I see a guy bombed in public I acknowledge he's drunk and then forget about it 2 minutes later. Hospitals are made to help people I would be embarrassed too sometimes because you get a rude nurses aid or doctor that makes you feel your wasting their time, but the REAL professionals treat you like a patient. I worked as medical technician and some people used to come in reeking of pot or had red eyes I never gossiped to co-workers because I didn't give a fck, those people that do snicker have no life.

TiredWolf

I know how you feel OLC22...

My local peers that work in my profession know what I did and what I am and that's that. I just accept it and keep a firm face and deal with it. It can be harsh.

If you stay clean/sober it DOES get better. Not ever back to normal, but better.

(Plus, some of the sheltered "normies" will be a little scared of you, which can have it's benefits)