flutter

Yes, there are. I have extremely firm boundaries when it comes to people like this, they don't have a place in my life. My MIL is a shining example of toxicity, and I don't allow her to call, text, email or come over to my house (to see my son) when I'm around. My life and my serenity are too precious to me to make any room in my head or my heart for people who haven't fully earned it.

caboblanco

I've had people tell me that I have to get rid of toxic people in my life. Im a little confused as to who is more toxic, me or them? I have friends with pessimistic and defeatist views but what i do is agree with them and laugh about it. I don't really take it to heart what we are talking about. It's just part of the humor. Ill say oh, that's just so and so. I sort of change myslef depending who I'm hanging out with. maybe this is a bad trait of mine, but everybody is different and I cant imagine hanging out with a bunch of saints. None of my friends are evil or criminals. I like to believe they would never be jealous of me but I don't know. That's one trait i cant stand. Its just funny because it seems like once somebody gets sober they are a saint and it was all the people around them they made them negative people. I don't buy it 100% Furthermore I don't know where you can find these perfect people to be friends with. Anyway those are just my thoughts. thanks for the replies!

paul99

I find the term "toxic" a bit strong - I don't think that the people who we consider that even realize that they are affecting us (or others) the way we feel that they are. Lots of great responses here already talk about boundaries, and that is very important for someone like me who let people run over me roughshod over and over again. But the thing with that is that it was I who carried the resentment, it was I who had a problem with them, it was I who tried to avoid or at the other end of the spectrum, tried to please them. In all these cases, it is I who is disturbed.

There are certainly some people in my life who in my sobriety and new spiritual path that I didn't feel served my new journey, but they seemed to have retreated on their own, seeing that I was in a different place. And for those in my life who seem to be on a different wavelength than I am, I just try to practice patience, tolerance and love. Not always easy, but I always figure that they aren't the one tossing and turning and bed thinking of me...so why should I do the same about them?

SoberSilvia

Absolutely, yes. Google "narcissitic sociopath" and see if it reminds you of anyone in your life. As difficult as it may be to believe, there are people who do not have a moral compass. Another poster mentioned belittling behavior. I think maybe I have known one narcissitic sociopath (though I can only speculate bc I'm not qualified to diagnose), and belittling was definitely part of his act. The insidious aspect of it was that he would first gain your trust by building you up, then slowly start to sneak in the belittling critical comments and start tearing you down once he knew his approval mattered. (Once, I actually told him that he was toxic, and he laughed about it). At first, I thought it must be me -- something I was doing -- because he thought I was so great at first. Eventually, all of the belittling led to my confidence being eroded and feeling like I couldn't do anything right, but all I could think about was getting back to that place (like at first) where I had his approval. My friends realized he was bad news, but I just didn't see it until I got away from him. It was just really, really bad. In case it's not obvious, that so-called relationship began as a romantic one. It was almost 20 years go. I did get the last move, though, because he continued to call me (I guess to see if he still had control), long after I was over him. I think I had one conversation with him (declining an offer to get together) and then, just didn't answer the phone any more after that. Thank goodness!

I can think of two other indivdiuals that were just not working in my life and I would have advised myself against if I could have known. I think the first was "toxic" but the second was just an unfortunate thing. The first if these individuals (also a relationship) had anger issues and eventually became verbally abusive. Again, I didn't see it initially because it came on gradually, and the incidents were isolated. Eventually, though, I began to feel like I was walking on eggshells around him and couldn't do anything right. Should have recognized other warning signs from the beginning and didn't -- so that first blow-up should really be a warning sign if it happens to you. That one also has been over for a long time, and I am completely over it and have not repeated the experience.

The final one was a female friend who crossed boundaries -- in very minor ways, but she didn't recognize that she was crossing them or else felt that she had a right to do it. If she needed something and wanted you to do it, and you said "no," she viewed it as a disagreement -- rather than her crossing a boundary and making a demand. Because of this, I came to see the "friendship" eventually almost like volunteer work and realized I was finding ways not to have to spend time with her. Sad really... Of the four of us who ran around as a group, the same thing also happened with her and two of the others. So, I wouldn't say she was toxic, but just too difficult to be friends with from a practical standpoint. Example: She would do things like say, I'm having you three over for dinner on Friday evening -- without asking us if we actually wanted to come. I was really stressed with work at the time, and really wanted my Friday evening to myself, so I declined and became the "bad guy." I found myself either saying "no" to her little expectations so frequently, and having to justify myself, that it eventually just became easier to avoid seeing her. The same thing happened to her relationship with two of the others, (one of which was a major conflict), so I know it wasn't just me.

Thank you. I have rambled - -and that is all.

Gottalife

Perhaps "toxic" people are mentally ill or spiritually sick?

tomsteve

i used to use the line,"that just how they are."then it occured to me one day: ted bundy just raped and kiled women. jeffrey dahmer killed and dismembered people. thats just them. does that make it right?
like me, my friends arent perfect, but they have what i want. i turn into who i hang with so i choose to hang with friends with high moral standards.

theHomerSimpson

going back to above poster SoberSilvia here is a link with a great explanation on one type of toxic person:
House of Mirrors: Narcissism is About CONTROL