agood

~Not sure if this is in the right section, but I joined to ask about this, so I'm sorry if it's wrong!~

So, I started dating this guy maybe 5 months ago? He was honestly, my 'dream guy', tall, handsome, incredible personality and we meshed really well together. I'll admit, we fell pretty hard and pretty fast for each other. I didn't see anything wrong with it. Maybe we just kind of...knew...we were supposed to be together or something. I'm not sure. Because of a job, he had to move back down south where he's from, so we decided to do a LDR (long distance relationship) because we couldn't break up. We loved one another too much.

I never knew he had problems with both drugs and alcohol. I knew he had a psycho ex girlfriend who cheated on him, but I never knew she got him hooked on those things until 4 days ago.

So rewind 4 days from today, I'm at home, and I hadn't gotten my usual 'Good morning baby' text from him. A little odd, but no big deal. By afternoon, I had texted him and called him. No reply. By night, I was a little worried, but figured he just needed his space or something. The next day, same thing. The day after that, same thing. By this point, I was really, REALLY worried. Now for those of you who have coped with long distance, you understand how important communication is. Well, I was having NO communication with him.

Then, out of nowhere, I start getting drunk texts from him at 4am. Then, at around 5 am, I guess he passed out. So I start getting texts (weather intoxicated or not I'm not sure, but it didn't seem so) from some girl, who claimed she was keeping my boyfriend 'warm' for me that night. She also called me some pretty horrible names, and told me I wasn't keeping him satisfied so I should be thanking her for doing the job for me.

By this point, I'm pretty much hysterical and this whole ordeal launches me into a shaking panic, which also causes me to get sick. (I obviously don't deal with confrontation well.)

The next morning, he wakes up at like, 6pm, and I had been trying to call him all day. He FINALLY picks up, and goes, "What happened last night?" I guess the girl that was texting me deleted all the texts between us off his phone. So I forward them all to him and he goes, "Ignore it."

After that conversation, I made him promise to give up the drinking if he wants me. I know I can't trust him to make wise choices when he's intoxicated, and he swears up and down that he wants to work on our relationship, sans the alcohol.

Later that night, I start receiving texts FROM THE GIRL's CELL PHONE harassing me. Boyfriend tells me he has no idea who that is, meanwhile I'm getting texts from her saying, "He's freaking out, telling me to quit. Just tell him you hate him so I can have him."

Then, his text's start getting a little weird. He swears he's not drinking. Then the spelling just goes down the drain. It's obvious he's wasted. He had just promised me to give up the alcohol. By now, I'm exhausted. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was getting sick all the time and I was just done.

Then, oh look, more texts. Asking me to tell him I love him, or he'll kill himself. Telling me, and I quote, "Comeon baby tell me how muchyou love me.wwre getting marrided rember?" "Im notaddicted! How dore you ssy that" (In refrence to the text i sent him before that, frustrated and at my wits end about the drinking.)

The thing about this whole ordeal is, he was fine and sober the ENTIRE time we've been together. But this nuts ex girlfriend shows up, and she's this huge trigger and makes it all go to ****.

So....is there any way to help him? I'm scared he's going to kill himself if I leave him, but he chose the alcohol over me. He threatened last night he would kill himself because he has 'nothing'. It's like, he can't act like an adult anymore. I love him, but it's taking a huge emotional toll on me. I thought he was the perfect guy for me because I didn't have to fix him or help him or something. Now? I just want my boyfriend back. I want the guy that couldn't go 2 hours without texting me, and if we couldn't text most of the day because of our work schedules, we would really miss each other and call or skype as soon as possible. Where did he go? I spent so much time building him back up after this psycho ex, and now she tore him right back down and away from me.

theHomerSimpson

You summed it up in your last paragraph, "he chose alcohol over me"!

Patrick

Grymt

I've heard al-anon can be very useful.

I'm 'that' guy. The things that worked for me was when the victim of me drew lines, set boundaries and stuck to them and got on with life. It didn't mean things worked out as one might expect but it can facilitate healing all around.

agood

He won't do anything about it because he doesn't think it's a problem. He has no idea what moderation is.

Grymt

Well, you gotta look after yourself.

suki44883

Welcome to SR, agood. Alanon is for you, not him.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I know it's confusing and hurtful, but like you said, he moved south and chose to go back to drinking and getting involved with the ex-girlfriend.

I'm sure it doesn't seem like it now, but he has actually done you a favor by showing this side of him before you got yourself legally tied to him. Five months really isn't long enough to truly know a person. You deserve better than this guy. Hope you'll stick around here and let us support you.

theHomerSimpson

same here my friend.

Patrick

agood

I did tell him, that if he continued to drink, I would have to end it. I will NOT put up with it. Growing up in a family where my father was addicted to gambling and alcohol, I know how bad it can get if you just forgive them and pretend it never happened. That is precisely what my mother did, and it ended badly.

Would it be in his best interest to just end it? I'm one of those people that wants to fix people, so this is very hard for me.

suki44883

You can't fix him. Would it be in YOUR best interests to just end it? Only you can answer that question.

agood

It's crazy how one substance can rip people apart. I also don't think it's fair that he has an escape from everything via the alcohol but he leaves me to sit there, all night, and wonder how this happened.

I know I can't be happy with him like this. Someday in the future if he cleans up his act and fixes this, then MAYBE I'll let him back into my life. But right now, it's just not good for me.

thank you guys for helping me come to this decision. I think I just needed to hear that I couldn't help him.

Lionne

Love won´t conquer addiction. No one can do anything about his alcoholism except he himself. It´s hard to feel powerless as a partner in such a situation but that´s the bottom line. I am a very good and decent person, but I have done some pretty horrible hurtful things while I was still drinking. And it didn´t stop me at the time.

If he doesn´t want to adress these issues himself, as sad as it is, the best thing to do is let him go. Take good care of yourself in this painful situation and look for supportive people. Being in a ldr myself, I also have to say that not only communication, but also trust is key. After this, it will be very very hard to rebuild trust, and it may very well be that all you will have is worries about wether he is drinking or not. Protect yourself, I wish you lots of strenght and courage,
L.

flutter

Nope, can't help him.. glad you're seeing that now. If he threatens suicide again, call 911. Either they'll get him the help he needs, or he will learn quickly to stop pulling manipulative moves like that.