Up and Down
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Up and Down
I am feeling constantly up and down at the moment. There is some family stuff going on...also I am in the middle of teaching practice and I am expecting a visit from the inspector during my class tonight and my nerves are sky high. The thing is, I am a qualified primary school teacher already, I have good references and I know I can be a good teacher, but my anxiety has kicked in, and I am finding it hard to eat.
As a result, I have been toying with the idea of having a drink. I went to the supermarket earlier and I was going to buy a bottle of wine. There was a man next to me in the aisle, and I had a look into his basket. He had a loaf of white bread, that cheap ham that comes in the resealable pack and the supermarket brand yogurt....and two bottles of supermarket vodka. So...I started to think back, and this man is in the same position that I was in over a year ago. I bought the cheapest crappy food possible so I would have enough money for my supply of wine and vodka. I began to realise that I didn't want to end up in that place again, so I put the wine back on the shelf and picked up a bottle of Evian, paid and left.
As I left the shop, I collided with the town drunk. How this man is still alive is beyond me. I've lived in this city on and off for the best part of 30 years. He seems to go through phases of being on and off the wagon. He is definitely drinking again. I remember when I was a child, he would often come begging in our neighbourhood. My parents would never ever give him money, but my dad would often give him some clean clothes to wear, and my mother would make him some sandwiches to take away. I don't want to end up like that.
Anyway, I am sitting here in the university library with my Evian and ginger tea - I find it helps my anxiety related nausea. Actually, I am so nervous about tonight, I could wet myself. Whoever is reading this, please cross your fingers for me. I have been sober for over a year, but the thought of having a drink still crosses my mind sometimes. Is this the same for everyone? Thanks for reading and letting me vent.
As a result, I have been toying with the idea of having a drink. I went to the supermarket earlier and I was going to buy a bottle of wine. There was a man next to me in the aisle, and I had a look into his basket. He had a loaf of white bread, that cheap ham that comes in the resealable pack and the supermarket brand yogurt....and two bottles of supermarket vodka. So...I started to think back, and this man is in the same position that I was in over a year ago. I bought the cheapest crappy food possible so I would have enough money for my supply of wine and vodka. I began to realise that I didn't want to end up in that place again, so I put the wine back on the shelf and picked up a bottle of Evian, paid and left.
As I left the shop, I collided with the town drunk. How this man is still alive is beyond me. I've lived in this city on and off for the best part of 30 years. He seems to go through phases of being on and off the wagon. He is definitely drinking again. I remember when I was a child, he would often come begging in our neighbourhood. My parents would never ever give him money, but my dad would often give him some clean clothes to wear, and my mother would make him some sandwiches to take away. I don't want to end up like that.
Anyway, I am sitting here in the university library with my Evian and ginger tea - I find it helps my anxiety related nausea. Actually, I am so nervous about tonight, I could wet myself. Whoever is reading this, please cross your fingers for me. I have been sober for over a year, but the thought of having a drink still crosses my mind sometimes. Is this the same for everyone? Thanks for reading and letting me vent.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: near Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 377
Anxiety
I just read your thread - anxiety was always the biggest trigger for me to drink. I hope you do well in the teaching with the inspector dropping by. Congrats on putting the wine back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: London
Posts: 299
Tetra, I'm glad you thought all that through and can see what drink did for others (or more like didn't do). And the effect it had on you.
I drunk on anxiety, it then used to come back and slap me round the head in a vicious circle. Gawd... it was never-ending hell.
I'm at nearly a year and sometimes it's hard, but you'll get through this and build on your sobriety, it gets better with each experience (have you found that, it's like a big sigh of relief then so thankful we didn't go there?). Let us know how it went tonight
I drunk on anxiety, it then used to come back and slap me round the head in a vicious circle. Gawd... it was never-ending hell.
I'm at nearly a year and sometimes it's hard, but you'll get through this and build on your sobriety, it gets better with each experience (have you found that, it's like a big sigh of relief then so thankful we didn't go there?). Let us know how it went tonight
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
I hope the inspection went well
I think all of us are still capable of having moments, thoughts and urges, especially in the first couple of years.
It's the response we have to those urges that counts tho
What's your support like these days - are you still seeing your counsellor Tetra?
D
I think all of us are still capable of having moments, thoughts and urges, especially in the first couple of years.
It's the response we have to those urges that counts tho
What's your support like these days - are you still seeing your counsellor Tetra?
D
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
You have a lot going on, I think anyone would be feeling emotional now!
Breathe, you know your teaching, just shine! No need to mess anything up by drinking, that just makes everything worse.
Be in the moment and show that inspector how good you really are at what you do best!
Hugs,
~SB
Breathe, you know your teaching, just shine! No need to mess anything up by drinking, that just makes everything worse.
Be in the moment and show that inspector how good you really are at what you do best!
Hugs,
~SB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Hmmmm....so I got a mixed report. Tutor said I am clearly a very hard worker from the incredible handouts I had made up. And the laptop presentation. However, he said I was doing all the talking and the students weren't getting any chance to talk. (Apparently it's a common mistake all new teachers make.) Also he said take things a bit easier, there is no need for a laptop presentation, it's an English lesson I'm giving, not a lecture.
Anyway, tbh, I left feeling incredibly deflated. I am a negative person anyway, but I am trying to work on that. My dad was saying, if those are the biggest faults he could find, you are not doing too badly at all. But the tutor said "I will write a report and talk to you again next week". So now I am sitting here wondering what if they kick me off the course? It's my negative mindset coming through. I was discussing it with my therapist just yesterday...this critical part of me that is constantly comparing myself with others, and finding fault.
Hmmm, I was texting my brother on the way home. I just needed to talk to someone, but now I wish I hadn't bothered. When I first stopped drinking, one of the things my dad said to me is "you never share how you are feeling with us". So my brother wrote back, a long text, about how I should give up teaching and take prozac or whatever, if teaching is causing me this much stress. Now, I have no intention of doing either of those. I enjoy the work. I know I will be a good teacher. It's just these inspections that have me so stressed out. I rarely share with my family because I know I will get a big lecture. Anyway texts were going back and forth and eventually he wrote: "I guess I don't see you much and we will probably never be close enough for me to know what you are going through or to give you any really relevant advice. I just get texts that make me a little worried, that's why I went on a rant"...
Anyway, I am sitting here with a cup of hot chocolate and feeling very sad. We will never be a close family...I am close to my dad but that's it. I feel more of a connection with the users of this forum really.
Anyway, tbh, I left feeling incredibly deflated. I am a negative person anyway, but I am trying to work on that. My dad was saying, if those are the biggest faults he could find, you are not doing too badly at all. But the tutor said "I will write a report and talk to you again next week". So now I am sitting here wondering what if they kick me off the course? It's my negative mindset coming through. I was discussing it with my therapist just yesterday...this critical part of me that is constantly comparing myself with others, and finding fault.
Hmmm, I was texting my brother on the way home. I just needed to talk to someone, but now I wish I hadn't bothered. When I first stopped drinking, one of the things my dad said to me is "you never share how you are feeling with us". So my brother wrote back, a long text, about how I should give up teaching and take prozac or whatever, if teaching is causing me this much stress. Now, I have no intention of doing either of those. I enjoy the work. I know I will be a good teacher. It's just these inspections that have me so stressed out. I rarely share with my family because I know I will get a big lecture. Anyway texts were going back and forth and eventually he wrote: "I guess I don't see you much and we will probably never be close enough for me to know what you are going through or to give you any really relevant advice. I just get texts that make me a little worried, that's why I went on a rant"...
Anyway, I am sitting here with a cup of hot chocolate and feeling very sad. We will never be a close family...I am close to my dad but that's it. I feel more of a connection with the users of this forum really.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
I understand. My XAP died recently and I went to stay with my sister as she has been worried about me. I love her and I know she loves me but we couldn't connect as she didn't understand how I was grieving. To her, she has been married 29 years and we were together just for nine and not married so it wasn't the same thing. Families want to help but they don't understand.
It's understandable how you feel because of the anxiety of the inspection. That was when my ex drank, when his XW sent legal letters to him or when he felt stressed. You have done so well and it should get better moving forward. Love and hugs and good luck from over the water.
It's understandable how you feel because of the anxiety of the inspection. That was when my ex drank, when his XW sent legal letters to him or when he felt stressed. You have done so well and it should get better moving forward. Love and hugs and good luck from over the water.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
I am still a bit upset today and I had trouble sleeping last night. Actually, I am more bothered about what my brother said then I am about anything else. I know I am over sensitive and take things to heart. I am going to take the day off study and go for a long walk and do some reading. I hope that you all have a nice day...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
Tetra, I am a teacher as well, and I have to say that I don't read your evaluation as negative at all. I read it as constructive criticism... Suggestions that will help you grow as as teacher. I would look at it as an opportunity, not a put down. My beloved father in law use to say 'if you aren't making mistakes you aren't learning'. I believe that to be true. I never want to become stagnant in my teaching.
Now, on the other hand, I think the statement your brother made might have been a bit insensitive.... Definitely not what you needed to hear. Have a talk with him and tell him so. No need to waste time feeling deflated.
Now, on the other hand, I think the statement your brother made might have been a bit insensitive.... Definitely not what you needed to hear. Have a talk with him and tell him so. No need to waste time feeling deflated.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Tetra,
That inspector was doing his job. If you were perfect, he'd have nothing to do.
You are in a position of learning, all teachers have something that is hopefully useful for their pupil. Your inspector is your teacher. Take what they've said and work with it to improve. It sounds like he may have been nit-picking, though. Again, he had to write something.
Relax! They just want you to be open to suggestions!
With hugs,
~SB, a fellow teacher
That inspector was doing his job. If you were perfect, he'd have nothing to do.
You are in a position of learning, all teachers have something that is hopefully useful for their pupil. Your inspector is your teacher. Take what they've said and work with it to improve. It sounds like he may have been nit-picking, though. Again, he had to write something.
Relax! They just want you to be open to suggestions!
With hugs,
~SB, a fellow teacher
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
As the others said, it sounds like you got some good feedback. This is a new thing for you. You will get better at it.
In my new job, for the first time I had to give presentations in front of audiences with [lol, apparently naming certain products created by Bill Gates's company results in being asterisked--too funny!], microphone, presenter, etc.
I made SOOO many mistakes the first time I did it. I knew, though, I would get the hang of it, and I am now getting better each time I do one. I am learning to deal with technical glitches as they happen, learning to wing it if there are malfunctions. Learning to project confidence and to concentrate on conveying the information in a helpful way rather than worrying about how *I* look as I am doing it.
I think you will be an awesome teacher, and your brother is clueless. Listen to those who know what they are talking about.
Thank you for being of service to your students!
In my new job, for the first time I had to give presentations in front of audiences with [lol, apparently naming certain products created by Bill Gates's company results in being asterisked--too funny!], microphone, presenter, etc.
I made SOOO many mistakes the first time I did it. I knew, though, I would get the hang of it, and I am now getting better each time I do one. I am learning to deal with technical glitches as they happen, learning to wing it if there are malfunctions. Learning to project confidence and to concentrate on conveying the information in a helpful way rather than worrying about how *I* look as I am doing it.
I think you will be an awesome teacher, and your brother is clueless. Listen to those who know what they are talking about.
Thank you for being of service to your students!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Tetra don't give up on the teaching dream. Sugarbear is right; they have to give us some type of feedback as it is their job. I have a really hard time with feedback even when it is constructive. If you know that you will be a good teacher then don't give it up; there are so many not so great teachers out there...we need the good ones like you that want to do it! Learning to not take things so personally will help you stay sober. That is what I'm working on now. In addition, if I listened to everything my brother told me I would be crazy.
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