bigsombrero

I have been talking for the last few weeks with a buddy who was in the same rehab group as me 7 months ago. We live in different states but remained friends and have checked in with each other from time to time. Last night this friend texted me saying he was going through a rough time. I called him, and it was pretty clear very early in our conversation that he was drunk. I did not really know how to handle it, but I kept the conversation level and tried to get his mind off it. I said things like "what do you have planned for this week Joe?" and "how is it going with that TV show you were working on?" etc etc. When I tried to ask him about his drinking he either didn't answer me or changed the subject. I told him whatever problems he has, they are always easier to fix if you start the day sober. He did not even acknowledge that I'd said the words.

I could hear him sniffing something and also drinking on the phone, and he got worse and worse. By the end of our conversation he was barely even able to speak. He was very rude, then very nice, then sad, then obnoxious - all the hallmarks of someone who was too drunk to even comprehend what he was saying. Our conversation ended abruptly, he more or less just hung up on me.

Now I am not sure I want to talk to him again. Should I follow up to him today with a text or e-mail asking him if he's okay? I worry about doing that because I do not want to become his "go to" guy every time he gets wasted and wants to talk to someone. Should I even bother contacting him again at all?

I want to be supportive but frankly, it was not very helpful for me to be speaking with someone like that. Felt like I was taking a step backwards. Have any of you had old friends relapse like this? I don't want to "abandon" him. Some people say it's good to help others, and I want to, but this felt like a boundary-crossing thing for me. He invaded my sobriety with his drunkenness. If you have been through similar situations or have worthy advice i'd like to hear it!

Grymt

He'll probably be kicked out. Be there for the sober him. It's up to him which way he goes.

tomsteve

sorry ya had to go through that. it happens and it is sad. i gotta remember there are some sicker than others.
what i do when someone calls me drunk ro stoned is to tell them i care about them, but please call me when they are not drinking and using and want help.

doggonecarl

To borrow a term from the Friends and Family side of the forum, you have every right to set boundaries. For your friend, that boundary might be, "I will not carry on a phone conversation with someone who is drunk."

When I was still drinking, my best friend, who had left AA and resumed drinking, came to visit me. The level of his drinking was alarming and I was at a loss for what to do. Finally his moral lapses crossed the line of our friendship. I asked him to leave. He was welcome to return, but only if he was sober.

I never saw him again. He killed himself three months later.

I still wonder if I handled it wrong. But objectively, I'm sure I did the right thing.

bigsombrero

Geez Carl, that's rough sorry to hear it. Yeah, in the back of my head I kinda feel like my friend is heading down the same road. I think that I should tell my buddy the same thing as you did though. Thanks.

bigsombrero

He is no longer in rehab - we were there together 7 months ago.

Grymt

Ah, ok. Yes. I think the advise of setting boundaries and being there for the sober him is best. He'll probably notice contact works when he is sober. It worked for me with friends who cared and understood. Of course I kept boozing but I wasn't in their life anymore and their own sobriety if in danger wasn't something I had to worry about.

I have a friend who went through a stage of ringing me when drunk. I just waited for an opportunity to tell him I'm busy. He got it after a few times and we're still friends. Possibly better so since. Once I was sober and a sober friend busted and as we were living in the same house at the time I had to pack up and leave. Still, I busted again later down the track. I guess ultimately you have to try to do the right thing for yourself. Somehow along the path I figured a lot out so I'm ok with not boozing anymore today. I try not to take too much for granted.

goldiilocks

I personally would cut off all contact with him, and only talk to him when he is sober. You have to tell him that you realize that he was drinking and don't wish to speak to him when he is like that. Out of respect for you, he should understand. I think you really have to do what is right for yourself right now though. I personally couldnt take talking to a drunk person or being around one at this point in my sobriety but that's just me.

paul99

I had that happen to me several times by different guys I went to treatment with. I was quite curt, but that was the only way I could not have them have me as their drunken dial go to guy, as you mentioned. I would tell them that I would love to talk to them when they were sober, but I can't carry on a conversation with them while drunk, and that I would be hanging up. And I did.

It's hard, especially since you get tight being in treatment together and then outside. I had a small posse of guys that I was like that after treatment. To this day it's two. They have all either drifted away and/or gone back out. It's just a fact of our lives with this condition.

bigsombrero

Thanks. Yeah, this is just one of only two guys left that I talk to from treatment. I suppose I value the experience and probably give this buddy more of a break than others because we were "in the clink" together. I will just keep myself in mind if this ever happens again, it's unsettling dealing with someone in that kind of shape.

paul99

It certainly is unsettling, I agree. Looking back, it was a good thing my sponsor was there to help me through that, as it brought up a lot of things for me. It's different now, in terms of what it brings up, but I would still do the same thing if I got a call like that today.

It's all about detachment with love - we care about the alcoholic, but we don't carefor the alcoholic.

Justfor1

The truth is he may not even remember talking to you. He could of been blacked out. I would talk to him again but if it becomes a routine than move on.

Dave H

Really there is nothing you can do. If people insist on drinking or using then there is little any of us can do. It's their life. If they want to throw it away and die a drunk or a drug user then there is nothing we can do. I will not talk to them while they are UTI. I WILL NOT leave my home and go get them.

I am a member of a group called "Clean, Sober & Strong!". We are dedicated to recovery - NOT RELAPSE! If we have group members who relapse twice in a six month period then they must complete an in-house treatment program before they are allowed back. If they relapse after that, they are out of the group for life.

Get Sober! Stay Sober! Be Strong!

Gottalife

I don't have that problem. Of the 10 in my group, three of us went to AA and stayed sober, seven didn't and died. None of us managed to stay drinking.

Like the others have said, set your boundaries. Its not helpful to you or the other guy if you tolerate that sort of behaviour. Detaching with love is tough to do but paradoxocally, it may be the most helpful thing you could do for your buddy.

For me attending a rehab did not bring about a lasting recovery. I stayed sober a few weeks (no AA) and became so unhappy and depressed I returned to my old solution for another 2 years. As a last resort I joined my two buddies in AA and that was where I found long term happy sobriety.