foreverandever

I am just putting it out there because no one else will believe me. Its been a long on and off with alcohol. It seems like I can quit for a few months and then back to heavy drinking and blacking out again. I went out for the past 4 nights in a row and don't remember what happened at the end of night, no sorry morning. Just looking though all the mail and text messages I sent random people! I am 33 years old and I am acting like a kid in thier freshman year in college. Every guy I have been with has told me I have issues with alcohol. When I quit during my last relationship the guy I was with told me that was my will power etc made me look so strong and attractive. I had stopped smoking for a couple months and I even bought a pack the other day. How can I be stone cold sober for 5 months and then go back into the same old all over again? Last time it was an ultimatum that made me stop, I thought I would lose the person I loved. We are no longer together, but I am single now and I always texts guys at random hours. I even texted a guy at 4am after our first date. And then again at 1 am even before our second date. I mean one more time and I know I am going to lose him. Thanks for listening!

Dee74

Hi and welcome foreverandever

I think a lot of us fall for the lie: we don't drink for a while and we think 'hey maybe it'll be different this time?' but it never is.

I had to accept everytime I drink I go back to that same old place.

Maybe you're the same too?

D

kizzie

Good for you! The conviction to quit really comes through in your post. As for having a long period sober only to pick up a drink again, it's not uncommon. We get complacent and think we can control our drinking, only to find ourselves back in the same hole. There are lots of ways to help you maintain the commitment to sobriety you have right now - have a read around the forums and see what resonates with you. Welcome to SR.

trailrunrbyday

Welcome FEAE. Put it out there and make today different. We have some parallels - except that I am 40 and the person I will certainly lose is my husband. I tried to stop some time ago for my husband - because I could tell I was going to lose him. He is the most incredible man - then guess what - I started drinking again. This time I stopped(2 weeks ago) because I could feel my life going to a place where I think I may not have been able to pull back out of.

The pain inside me was so incredibly great that this time it was for me. A fringe benefit - I may get to live out my life with this incredible man.

My judgement goes out the window when I drink and i seek to feel good about myself - ironically this is impossible as I hate Acoholic Me but have had some very embarrassing and inappropriate texting sessions that I only know happened when i come across them the next morning. Not pretty. I don't know who I am when I drink - a sad empty groping shell of the beautiful woman I know I truly am. I'm here for support. It sounds like you are too. I wish you all the best and congratulate you on wanting and seeking a change.

DAB

Go to a meeting.

foreverandever

Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement. I just do not need this in my life anymore. I have gone even longer, over a year at one point and like you said above no matter many times I have quit (for months and ever over a year), it always ends up like the last four days. Sometimes I just think I am lucky to even be alive and I cannot be spared for ever though. Relationship have died many times over. When everyone goes home and to sleep, I go out again, get more to drink (I live in nyc, so I can just walk to a 24 hour store). This just started 2 weeks ago, I think at some point I have to realize, today is it. For the months that I didn't drink, my resolve was so strong once I said I quit, I really enjoyed going out sober, even dancing, watching other people. I can just quit when I want to. It is that months down the road I get back into it. Once I quit for a year and then drank on my one year anniversary as a celebration, how ridiculous is that? I promise you all, I won't this time. I hope you can believe and everyone here is so inspiring. Thank you!

oh2exhale

From the Big Book chapter 3 "MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. "
I saw myself on every page. Thats when I knew I really am an alcoholic. I will never forget the misery of my last drunk. I will never again sink to the pitiful place I was, so long as I do not drink. Its that simple.

Johno1967

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein